Total Drama Planet
by Cybertoy00
Summary: Hosted by Chris McLean, 25 characters from Total Drama Island and other series' compete for 1 million dollars on a mysterious alien world! Who will take money, and who will be the ones who lost in space? Read and find out!  Revised due to errors
1. AstroNot Training

Disclaimer: All the characters seen here are the property of the companies and artists who own and created them. I own nothing.

-TDP-

Open up to what looks like a grassy road, with Chris McLean in the center of view. In the background is a NASA space shuttle being prepped for launch.

"Welcome to the latest season of Total Drama!" Chris greeted, "I'm your host with the most, Chris McLean!

"In previous seasons, we've sent our Total Drama contestants everywhere, from the crappiest of summer camps, to run-down movie lots, even all over the world!" Chris' smile dropped. "But now, where next? We've used up the best locations on Earth," Chris' grin returned "Which is what the new season of Total Drama is all about! We've located a planet just outside of our solar system, capable of supporting life, human and otherwise!

"We'll be sending our favorite Total Drama freaks right up there, for the very first reality show- IN SPACE!

"And aside from the usual cast you know and love, we'll be mixing things up with the weirdest characters our casting department could find!

"There, they'll be divided into two teams. Winners will reap huge rewards, losers will be sending teammates home.

"Who will be the last explorer left, and win the much coveted, but easily lost, prize money? Find out on **TOTAL… DRAMA… PLANET!**"

The shuttle in the background blasted off, kicking up a lot of wind and dust.

"My hair!"

-TDP-

_(Theme song begins to play. Cameras pop out of giant mushrooms, weird idols, and a spacesuit, causing a face hugger to fly out.)_

_Dear mom and dad, I'm doing fine_

_You guys are on my mind_

_(The view flies down a runway past Chris, and into a space shuttle, where we see Chef and Courtney fighting at the controls.)_

_You asked me what I wanted to be_

_And now I think the answer is plain to see_

_(The shuttle blasts off and goes into hyper drive. Once it stops, the view is now over a multicolored sphere. The view zooms in, passing Dopey in a space suit, towards the planet to show Luigi and Lindsay looking down a hollow stump. A face hugger leaps out and attacks Luigi.)_

_I wanna be famous!_

_(Luigi runs off screaming as Lindsay looks on, confused. Behind her, Mr. 3 rubs his face wearily. Cut to a shot of Duncan, Tyler and Bender pulling at one end of a rope. On the other end is Earthworm Jim, who casually holds his end with one hand. He is reading a magazine with the other hand. Cut to a shot of Gwen sketching while surrounded by a bunch of giant plants with lips on the end. One 'lip-plant' spits out Ratticus onto her.)_

_I wanna be close to the sun_

_Pack your bags, 'cause I've already won_

_(Cut to a shot of a green field. Ezekiel and Chiyo run by, being chased by an Izzy-riding cow. They pass by Owen, happily eating a hamburger while a charred cow-skeleton lies nearby. Cut to Bon Bonne, who is holding Bridgette and DJ over his head as they try to pull a small UFO out of the air. They fall, prompting Bon Bonne to pull the two into a painful hug.)_

_Nothin' else to prove, nothin' in my way_

_I'll get there one day_

_(Cut to a cliff that Heather pulls herself onto. Already up there is Ashley, who vanishes in a puff of smoke as her eyes flash red, shocking Heather. )_

'_Cause I wanna be famous!_

_(Cut to Leshawna, running down the hallway of a dark temple. She ducks out of sight as an odd glowing ghost-thing floats by.)_

_Na, na na na na, na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na_

_(Cut to a shot of Shantae leading Harold in belly-dancing, before shifting to the geek's kung-fu stances. In doing so, Shantae accidentally hits Harold with her pony-tail.)_

_I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous!_

_(Cut to Fighter, who does some fancy tricks with his sword-chucks. Pan over to Black Mage, who lifts up his hat, causing darkness to flow out from his head, filling the screen.)_

_I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous!_

_(Zoom out to show that everything we saw was just an image on a holographic screen, being projected from the middle of the floor. Sitting all around it are the past and present contestants of the show, whistling the last lines of the theme song. The show's title appears in the screen.)_

**TOTAL DRAMA**

**PLANET**

Episode 1: Astro-Not Training

-TDP-

Chris stood outside the double doors to a large building. He's busy combing his hair back to its normal state.

"Welcome to the Kennedy Space Center in Houston, Florida, USA," He said, pocketing his comb. "Here, we'll greet and meet the contestants of Total Drama Planet. Some of these freaks you should know, and others, well, you should know them too, but we won't blame ya if you don't," The sound of a car approaching caught his ear. "Sounds like the first bunch have already arrived. I give you the crew who needs no introduction, the Total Drama faves!"

A bus stopped at the entrance of the space center. The doors opened up, and out came DJ, Bridgette, Gwen, Duncan, and Courtney. Owen was next, but he got stuck in the bus doors.

"Um, little help?" He asked.

Owen was forcibly freed from his position with a boot to the rear. Or a heel, as it was the impatient Heather, out the door next, her hair back to its season 1 length. However, Owen's forced departure caused him to let one rip-right in her face.

"Ugh!" Heather gagged, turning green. "Couldn't that have _waited?_"

Heather staggered away. Out next was Leshawna, who waved the stench away with her hand.

"Hoo, baby!" She cried, "_What _did you have for breakfast, boy?"

Owen, still on the ground, said, "Um, pancakes…and waffles…and bacon…and that stuff at back of the fridge you don't remember eating but are sure it tasted _so good…_"

Leshawna just rolled her eyes, moving on. Next out was Tyler.

"Hey, what's u-Agh!" he cried, suddenly slipping. He tumbled off the steps of the bus' doorway.

Next came, Harold and Ezekiel, who also took a fall. They landed on Tyler in a heap. Lindsay popped her head out, looking around, confused. She looked down as Tyler held something up to her.

"Found your earring…" He groaned.

"Aww, thanks, Tyler!" Lindsay cooed happily, taking it and putting it on her ear. She stepped off of the bus, trying not to step on any of the boys.

"Ow!" Ezekiel cried as one of Lindsay's heels dug into his cheek. "Watch where you're walking, eh!"

"Guys, gals, welcome," Chris greeted with an insincere smile, "did you enjoy your- Wait," He frowned. "Where's Izzy?"

Everyone looked around as Lindsay helped Tyler up. Harold and Ezekiel pulled themselves up.

"She was with us on the bus…" Owen began uncertainly.

"I think she went up on the roof for something." Bridgette remarked.

"Look!" Gwen cried, pointing up. "Up in the sky!"

"It's a bird!" DJ yelled.

Ezekiel squinted. "I think it's a plane."

Heather's eyes widened. "It's Izzy! Hit the deck!"

Heather's warning came a mite too late. Izzy fell from the sky, using the Total Drama teens as a landing pad. When the dust kicked up from her impact cleared, the entire gang had been knocked down into a pile- except for the girl herself, who was standing triumphantly on the top.

"What that was so wild!" The crazy girl laughed, "I mean, parasailing from a boat is one thing, but from a bus? _Excellent!_ So," She began, her eyes shifting around wildly. "Are we really going into space? That would be so cool. I was abducted by aliens, once, ya know. They sent me back for some reason."

"Gee, I wonder why." Heather growled sarcastically.

The teens began to pull themselves up. Being the nice guy that he is, DJ bent down to help Courtney to her feet. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Gwen and Duncan helping each other up, exchanging looks.

"Uh, you okay?" He asked Courtney awkwardly. He knew that the subject of Duncan leaving her for Gwen made her, to put it mildly, touchy.

"About what?" Courtney asked, and then saw DJ trying not to glance at Duncan and Gwen. "Oh, _that. _I'm fine. I am _so _over Duncan."

"You sure?" DJ asked.

"Yes," Courtney said, a touch irritated. "Tom helped me work through it."

"Who's Tom?" DJ asked, shocked. Courtney had a new boyfriend _already?_

"Well, he's…" Courtney began, before being cut off by Chris.

"Okay! Now that you're all here and preemptively injured," The host said, "We can begin introducing your new cast mates!" turning to face the camera, he said, "We asked our casting department to find the _weirdest _and _wildest _people they could find, so if any of these guys seems a little off, that's probably why. Our first two newbies are a pair of adventurers. I give you, Black Mage and Fighter!"

A taxi drove up, and when it left, there were two men standing on the curb. One was a well-built, muscular young man with red hair in red armor. He had two pairs of swords at his side, two of which were connected by a chain. The second one was about the armored guy's height, wearing a light blue wizard's robe and a large, light brown pointy hat. He had spindly, claw-like hands, and his face was draped in shadows from the hat's brim. All that could be seen were a pair of yellow dots, glowing from within.

"We're here, Black Mage!" The armored one, Fighter cried.

"You don't have to yell, I can see that for myself," Black Mage grunted, before muttering, "_Idiot…_"

The two adventurers walked over to where Chris was.

"Welcome guys," Chris said, "Happy to be here?"

"You bet!" Fighter whooped.

"_$%*&!#_" was all Black Mage said.

"What was _that?_" Chris asked, having never heard such eldritch language before.

"It's a prayer to the dark gods, hoping all the people I don't like spontaneously explode." Black Mage replied.

"Uh…huh," Chris nodded, a bit put off. "Well, go and stand with the other freaks."

Fighter and Black Mage did so. As the rest of the Total Drama teens edged nervously away from Black Mage, Harold took a special interest in the chained swords at Fighter's waist.

"What are _those?_" Harold asked.

Fighter grinned. "They're my _SWORD-CHUCKS_, yo!"

Harold grinned back. "Wicked!"

Leshawna raised an eyebrow. "_Sword_-chucks?"

"Don't get him started," Black Mage said pleadingly. "_Please _don't get him started."

"Wouldn't swinging two swords on a chain be dangerous?" Bridgette asked.

"No, it's easy!" Fighter bragged, "Here, I'll show you!"

Fighter unsheathed the sword-chucks and began to flail them about. The gang promptly scattered to avoid death by spinning blade.

"I warned you!" Black Mage snarled, "I goddam warned you!"

Chris began to get annoyed. "Enough!"

"Wha!" Fighter cried, surprised by Chris' sudden proclamation. His concentration slipped, and so did the sword-chucks- right out of his hands. The spinning chained blades flew off into the horizon.

"Aww, my sword-chucks…" Fighter groaned.

"Good riddance!" Courtney muttered, getting up.

Chris rolled his eyes. "Moving on…our third guest is a super hero from Terlawk, Texas, USA! Please put your hands together for Earthworm Jim!"

Earthworm Jim rocketed down from the sky on his pocket-rocket. Re-pocketing it, he said to Chris, "It's feels great to be here! In fact, it's…" He winked, "Guh-roovy!"

"Enjoy the feeling while you can," Chris grinned evilly as Jim joined the others, "Next up is Ratticus!" He noticed that no one had shown up. "Hello?"

"Down here!"

Chris looked down and reeled back in alarm. At his feet was an oversize, dirty, brown rat, bearing a misshapen smile.

"I'm Ratticus!" The rat said cheerfully. There was a big chunk of food stuck on one of his teeth.

"I'll…take your word for it," Chris said, a bit disgusted. "Now, get away from me- I mean, get with the rest."

Ratticus did so. Chris shuddered. The rest of the contestants regarded the rodent with expressions varying from disgust to confusion.

"Cool," Izzy said, "It's a sewer rat with enhanced intelligence and the power speech! How awesome is that?"

"Thanks!"

"Okay, didn't casting find anybody _attractive?_" The host asked aloud, "I mean, seriously?"

"Excuse me."

Chris turned towards the speaker- and found himself staring at a beautiful young woman, with tan skin and a giant purple ponytail that went down to her feet. Adding to the fan service was her choice of uniform, a red belly dancers outfit.

"_Now_ we're getting somewhere," Chris said to the camera, grinning. To the young woman, he said, "You must be Shantae, which makes me _enchante_'d to meet you."

Shantae laughed the laugh of someone who has heard the same bad pun before. She walked over to the rest of the gang.

"Hi, it's nice to meet all of you," She said, and noticed that they were staring. "Is something wrong?"

"Um, it's your hair," Leshawna lied. She knew that the boys at least were staring at something else- two somethings. "Is it for real?"

"What do you mean?" Shantae asked, bewildered. In the background, Gwen elbowed Duncan for staring at her 'hair'.

Leshawna tried to think of something to say when Lindsay burst in. "How do you get it like that? I mean, it looks bouncy _and _silky!"

Ezekiel, meanwhile, piqued by Lindsay's words, reached out to touch the hair. To his shock, the ponytail whipped out and slapped his wrists!

"Ow!" He cried, rubbing where he was struck.

"Everyone," Chris said, getting the gang's attention. "Meet Luigi!"

A tall mustached man in green suspenders and a green cap stepped up. He adjusted his green cap.

"Finally!" Courtney sighed, "Someone _normal!_"

Giving a slightly nervous smile, Luigi said, "Nice to meet everyone."

Lindsay squinted at the man's cap. "What's the L for?" She brightened up as an idea struck. "Does it stand for Luigi?"

Duncan snorted. "No, it stands for lumberjack."

Lindsay pouted cutely. "Aw, I thought I had it!"

"Tell me, is it always like this?" Black Mage asked Bridgette.

Bridgette smiled. "Actually, I think you caught us on a good day."

Black Mage groaned. "Swell…"

A taxi cab pulled up then.

"Our next competitor is a college student from Japan," Chris said, "I give you, Chiyo!"

To his and everyone's shock, a little girl with red hair tied into two pigtails stepped out.

"Hi!" She said cheerfully, "I'm Chiyo! It's nice to meet you! Thanks for letting me on your show!"

"You're welcome," Chris replied. Thoughtfully, he asked, "How old are you?"

"Twelve." Chiyo replied, and went over to join the others.

Chris pinched the bridge of his nose. "'Kay, memo to self; Have serious talk with casting."

As Chiyo joined the gathering, DJ asked, "Yo, are you _really _a college student?"

Chiyo nodded. "Yup!"

"Our next cast member is an advanced robot who fell through a time warp from the 30th century," Chris introduced, "I give you, Bender!"

"Yo, meatbags of the Stupid Ages," The grey robot greeted, giving Chris a fist bump. "Bender's in the house!"

"Wow," Harold breathed, "A robot with human-like intelligence and mannerisms! Awesome!"

"Considering what most humans are like, I'm not impressed." Gwen snorted.

Bender, despite having limited facial expressions, scowled at the goth. "Eh, bite my shiny metal ass!"

Grinning at their banter, Chris continued. "Our next victim- I mean, explorer should be someone who Duncan will get along with. He's a former agent for a criminal organization and an escapee from jail. At his request, we'll refer not by his real name, but by a chosen codename; Mr. 3!"

Mr. 3 stepped into view. Some of the cast snickered at his three-shaped hairstyle.

"_You _did time?" Duncan asked, amused.

"Yes, and I'm never going back," Mr. 3 replied. Turning to Chris, he asked, "You _are _censoring my face, aren't you?"

"No problem." Chris answered. Once Mr. 3 turned to join the rest, the host revealed his crossed fingers.

_**SHAZAM!**_

There was a sudden burst of light, causing everyone to cry out in alarm.

"What the heck was that!" DJ cried, rubbing his eyes.

Chiyo, however, noticed something different. "Mm, where did she come from?"

Standing between the competitors and Chris was a girl, older than Chiyo but younger than the Total Drama teens, with voluminous black hair tied into two pigtails. She wore a red dress, matching her red eyes.

"Hey, I know her," Luigi spoke up, "She's from Diamond City!"

"Everyone, meet Ashley!" Chris introduced. To Ashley he said, "Happy to be here, Ashley?"

Ashley didn't reply. She just kept staring at the gang.

"What's she looking at?" Gwen asked Duncan. He shrugged.

Then there was the sound of metallic gears shifting, followed by a soft quake that shook the area. This occurred again, and again, one after another.

"What's that," Leshawna asked, "An earthquake?"

"Earthquake!" Chiyo gulped.

"I thought it was California that got quakes…" Harold mused, trying to keep himself from falling.

"They do; Florida gets hurricanes," Chris answered, "And _we _get our next and last new competitor, Bon Bonne!"

Everyone gasped at the figure that walked up. It was a huge, machine-like creature, with ginormous arms and legs, sticking out of a head-like torso. It was sucking a pacifier.

"By the great worm spirit, whose full length exceeds the diameter of the universe-" Earthworm Jim proclaimed, "That is one _big _baby!"

"It's not a baby," Heather said disdainfully, "It's just another stupid robot," She looked to Chris for confirmation. "Right?"

"Actually, we're not sure," Chris admitted, "But we figure y'all smart enough to make your own conclusions."

Bon Bonne stomped over to the crowd.

"Hey, there, big guy," Owen greeted, "Welcome to our show! Happy to be here?"

Bon stared at Owen for a full minute before one phrase left his, um, mouth. "Babuu."

"Oh, yeah," Gwen nodded, "Definitely a baby, or something…"

"Our final newcomer is the youngest member of his family's mining company," Chris said as a bus stopped by, "I give you Dopey!"

The bus drove off. When the dust from its departure cleared, it revealed a dwarf in a green robe with a very boyish, un-bearded face. He waved cheerfully.

"Oh, you have _got _to be kidding me." Gwen said, staring at the dwarf.

"All right, now that everyone's assembled," Chris said, "Follow me and I'll fill you in on the rest of the show."

-TDP-

"Chris, I have one question." Heather said as the host led the cast through the suspiciously empty space center.

"Which is?" Chris asked.

"What's _he-_" She pointed at Ezekiel accusingly. "-doing here?"

"Who?" Chris glanced behind and saw who Heather was pointing at. "Oh, him."

"I don't see what the big deal is." Ezekiel said.

Heather whirled around to glare at the home-schooled kid. "The _problem _is that I lost a million dollars thanks to you!"

"I don't remember doing that…" Ezekiel muttered.

"Well, you _were _reduced to an animalistic, sub-human state of mind," Bridgette commented, when her words caught up with her mind. "How did you get over that, anyway?"

"And how did you survive falling into a volcano?" Duncan asked, "Cause I'm pretty sure that's what happened."

Everyone looked at Ezekiel, awaiting his answer. The home-school looked down at his feet before looking back up and saying, "I've got a really good medical plan."

"Good enough to get you through molten _lava?_" DJ asked, amazed.

Ezekiel nodded. "Yyyyup."

"Well, I'm satisfied," Chris said, "Anyone _else _have a stupid question? Yes, Fighter?"

Fighter lowered his raised arm. "When can I get my sword-chucks back?"

"You can't!" Chris said cheerfully, "Now, look yonder!"

Chris gestured, and the cast followed his arm towards a large window. It showed a space shutte being prepped for launch. Unlike other space shuttles, this one was black, not white. It also had a very large picture of Chris on the side. A piece fell off.

"That is the Total Drama space shuttle," Chris explained, "In that shining example of space technology, you will travel to the Total Drama planet. You will also find the confessional, so you can display your private thoughts to the viewing public."

_(Confessional)_

"_At least it's not a toilet this time…" DJ commented, sitting in what looked like a pure white space._

_(End Confessional)_

"Twenty-four of you will be sent to the planet," Chris went on, "One by one, you will all be sent back, until only one remains, and that one will receive _one million dollars!_"

There were some intrigued murmurs from the newcomers, and even some of the Total Drama teens were interested.

Then Harold realized something. Doing a quick count, he cried, "Wait a minute, aren't there twenty-three of us?"

Murmurs arose from this statement.

"Are you sure?" Lindsay asked, "I only count twenty-four."

"Did you count yourself?" Duncan asked sarcastically. He knew that she did, they all knew.

Lindsay looked blank for a minute until a light turned on in her head. "Ohhh!"

"Wait a minute!" Fighter cried, "I count twenty-six of us!"

Everyone stared at Fighter in shock and confusion.

"I know I'm going to regret this…" Black Mage sighed, fully aware of Fighter's stupidity. "But, how could you count us as twenty-six?"

"Well," Fighter said, "When I did a headcount, I didn't want to make the same mistake Lindsay did, and counted myself."

"Right, so…"

"_Twice._"

Everyone stared at Fighter in amazement. Black Mage then whipped out his dagger, his eyes filled with malevolent intent. He was prevented from putting the murderous act into action by Earthworm Jim and DJ, who held him back.

_(Confessional)_

"_I didn't think it was possible," Heather said, "But there's actually someone _dumber _than Lindsay!"_

_(End Confessional)_

"Okay, moving on from the stupid stuff…" Chris began.

"For how long?" Gwen muttered under her breath.

"…Due to a slight casting error, there are twenty-five of you," Chris continued, "Luckily, we at Total Drama inc. have come up with an ideal way to settle things…elimination!"

"You mean we're going to vote off someone _already?_" Owen asked.

"Oh, not right now," Chris said, giving a smile that the Total Drama teens learned to loathe. "First, we're going to have some fun- and by 'we', I mean 'me'."

The Total Drama teens groaned. The newcomers looked slightly perplexed. They weren't as familiar with Chris' sadistic streak as the Total Drama teens were.

"Before blasting off into the stars, real-life astronauts are given special training, taking certain tests to see if they can handle the rigors of space-travel," Chris explained, "Here, you will undergo those very same tests. Anyone who can pass each one will receive immunity from the elimination. Everyone else will be up for pre-planet elimination."

The cast exchanged looks, trying to guess which of them will be eliminated.

-TDP-

Chris led the cast into a room with a platform in the center. Sticking out of the table was a tube with a ping-pong ball sitting at the bottom, with a red line painted halfway up. Sticking out of the platform was a hose of some kind.

"Your first test is a simple one," Chris said, picking up the hose. "All you have to do is blow into the hose hard enough for the ball to rise above the red line. If you can keep it up for one full minute, you pass. Any questions?"

Courtney raised her hand. "Can I go first?"

"Ooh, eager, huh?" Chris asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes," Courtney answered, and glanced at Jim, Ratticus, and Owen. "Plus, I'd rather not put my lips on something certain others have."

"Don't worry, Courtney, we will wipe the hose off after each person," Chris assured her, "Now, anyone else? No? Good. Owen, you first."

Owen stepped up and put his mouth around the opening of the hose. Taking a deep breath, he blew as hard as he could.

The ball didn't budge.

His cheeks turning red, Owen blew even harder, causing the ball in the tube to rise up to the red line, eventually passing it.

"Okay, now, see if you can keep it that way for sixty seconds!" Chris yelled.

With everyone chanting "Owen! Owen!" the big lug continued to blow, his face turning from red to purple and finally to blue. After the minute passed, Owen collapsed, panting and heaving.

"Is he gonna be all right?" Black Mage asked, staring at the proverbial beached whale.

"He'll be fine," Chris assured, "Unless anyone here wants to give him mouth to mouth to be sure?"

"No, no, we're good."

"In that case…next!"

The next to take the test were Fighter, Bridgette, DJ, and Luigi, all of whom passed the test easily…except for the redness around their cheeks.

"I think that ball has something in it…" Luigi gasped, sitting down.

"I assure you, there's nothing wrong with the ping-pong ball." Chris said, thinking of the screens and blocks in the hose.

Everyone else took a turn, and despite the odds, managed to do it, though some were more winded than others. When it was Harold's turn, the geek did something incredible. Flaring his nostrils, Harold blew into the hose and kept the ball up above the red line without missing a beat. And when he was done, he wasn't even breathing hard!

"Dude, how did you do that?" Duncan asked, amazed.

Harold grinned. "Circular breathing."

"_What-_ular breathing?" Leshawna asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I breath in through my nose," Harold explained, "While breathing out through my mouth!"

"Okay, everyone's passed the breathing test…" Chris said, "Except for you, Bender!"

Bender shrugged. "I'm a robot. 'Breathing' isn't exactly on our to-do list."

"We're well aware of that," Chris said, "That's why, in the interest of fair play…"

The Total Drama teens snickered. Since when has Chris McLean cared about fair play?

Ignoring them, Chris continued. "…Total Drama Inc has dug deep into its limitless reservoir of resources to provide you with this tool."

Chris held the item out. Bender took it and stared at it. He looked at Chris, then back at the tool.

"What the hell is this thing?" Bender asked, flummoxed.

"It's a bel-lows," Chris said, as if talking to a child. "You pump it and air comes out. Get my drift?"

Bender glowered at the host before walking over to the platform.

"Crappy, Stupid ages reality TV…" He muttered, sticking the end of the bellows into hose. Opening up his chest door, Bender pulled out a roll of duct tape and wrapped some around the hose where the bellows was in. Making sure that the bellows was secure, Bender began to pump. The ball barely rose an inch.

"Come _on_," Chris said teasingly, "Surely an advanced and sophisticated machine like yourself can do better than that!"

"Bite my shiny metal ass!" Bender snarled, "I'm a Bender, not a Pumper!"

Nonetheless, Bender began to pump harder. After a few moments, the ball began to rise.

"Hey! It's working!" Shantae cried, "Go, Bender!"

Amidst cries of "Bender! Bender!" the robot's arms became a blur as he pumped harder and faster than ever. The ball rose, bobbingly, above the red line.

"Okay, hold it there for sixty seconds!" Chris yelled, turning on his stopwatch.

"I can do this…" Bender muttered, pumping. "I can do this!"

As Bender pumped, a very subtle grinding noise could be heard…if it wasn't being drowned out by the cheers of encouragement.

"Annnnd time!" Chris yelled, swinging his arm down. "Sixty-seconds!"

Everyone cheered as Bender stopped pumping. Letting go of the bellows, he did a victory dance, waving his arms in the air.

"Aw, yeah! I did it! Suck it, all you guys who aren't Bender! Which is me!" Then his arms fell off. "Aww, crap."

Chris clapped his hands. "Well, I can't believe everyone passed. To celebrate, why don't we take a quick lunch break before moving on?"

"Yes!" Owen yelled, jumping up. "Woo-hoo!"

Owen pumped his arm, inadvertently hitting Black Mage in the face.

"Whoops, sorry dude." Owen apologized.

Black Mage gave no answer, save the sound a blade being drawn.

-TDP-

"That really hurt!" Owen whined, rubbing where Black Mage had stabbed him.

"I'm sorry," Black Mage said, "I was intending to deliver a fatal blow."

"Um, never mind then…" Owen said, his eyes darting.

Izzy giggled.

The cast and Chris were eating lunch just outside the space center. A trailer was nearby, where Chef Hatchet gave out food from a window. To everyone's surprise, it tasted good.

"Is anyone bothered by the fact that Chris is giving us a good meal?" Courtney asked, sitting by DJ and Bridgette.

"I'm not complaining," DJ replied, taking a bite out of a sandwich. "Knowin' Chris, this could be the last decent meal we'll get ."

"No, I get it," Bridgette said, "Every time Chris does something nice, there's something really nasty behind it."

"Exactly!" Courtney exclaimed, "What could Chris be up to this time?"

"Hurry up, gang!" Chris' voice was heard saying over a megaphone, "Testing recommences in fifteen minutes, so eat as much as you can!"

"Giving us stomach aches?" DJ guessed.

-TDP-

"Ooh, baby," Leshawna moaned, rubbing her stomach. "I think I packed it in a little too much."

With full stomachs, the cast followed Chris to their next test. He led them to a room with what looked like a giant nest of wires.

"Your next test will test your ability to handle the Gimbal Rig," Chris explained, "Astronauts use this device to simulate the tumble-type maneuvers that might be encountered in space."

Heather stared up at the device and felt her gut churn. "Uh, Chris? Do you think we could hold off on that for a few more minutes? Some of us are still digesting."

"Your challenge is simple; take a whirl on the Gimbal _without puking_."

The cast gasped. _Now _they knew why Chris gave them a hardy meal!

"Monster!" Earthworm Jim cried, "Filling our stomachs, only to send us through vomit-inducing trials… What kind of fiend are you?"

Chris grinned. "The kind that gets paid. Who wants to go first?"

Bridgette went first. Luckily, years of wiping out on the surf circuit had hardened her body to withstand the trials of tumbling. It wasn't until _after _she got off did she blow her cookies.

"Well, she didn't puke _during _the test," Chris commented, "So she passes."

Luigi, Earthworm Jim, Duncan, and Chiyo didn't puke either. Though while the first three were a bit green in the face, Chiyo looked perfectly fine!

"Why are _you _okay!" Gwen demanded.

_(Confessional)_

"_It wasn't so bad," Chiyo said, "It's nothing to being in the car when my old teacher Miss Yukari's driving." She shuddered._

_(End Confessional)_

Izzy was next. Unlike the previous contestants, her wails weren't made from distress or motion sickness. Instead, she was cheering giddily.

"Faster!" She shrieked, "Faster!"

"I've said it before, and I'll say it again; there is something seriously wrong with that girl." Heather commented, watching Izzy.

"Actually, I don't think I've _ever _heard you say that." Lindsay remarked. Heather gave her a look.

This exchange was observed by Black Mage. "Suddenly, I feel a bond between myself and Heather…"

"Because she also acts mean and scowly?" Fighter asked.

Black Mage stared at his retarded friend/meat shield/curse. "…Yes, that is why." _Idiot._

Izzy didn't puke, and in fact begged Chris to have one more go on the Rig. Chris wisely shoved her aside and pointed to Courtney.

"You next, lawyer-girl." The host said, recalling the lawsuits Courtney had filed against the show.

"One moment, Chris." Courtney said, and reached into Bender's chest compartment. ("Hey!" Yelled Bender) After pulling out the duct tape, she put a piece over her mouth. She then gave Chris a thumbs-up.

"About time that happened," Duncan taunted, "Why'd it have to happen until _after _we broke up?"

Courtney glared at the delinquent and heaved the roll at him. Duncan didn't duck in time and got a hit in the eye.

_(Confessional)_

"_I figured that if I kept my mouth sealed shut, it wouldn't matter if I threw up," Courtney explained, "It would be disgusting, but it would stay in my mouth."_

_(Confessional)_

Courtney went on the Gimbal Rig. When her time was up, she was pulled out, her cheeks rather green…and bulging.

"Hmm…" Chris tapped his chin thoughtfully, before reaching towards the tape. "Better see if there's anything in there…"

Her eyes widening, Courtney swallowed, looking sicker than ever. She held back a shout of pain when Chris ripped the tape off of her lips. Resisting the urge to throw up _again_, she smiled cheerfully as Chris peered in.

The host shrugged. "Eh, I'll let it slide this time, but…" He pointed two fingers at his eyes, then at Courtney.

_(Confessional)_

"_Yeah, I coulda booted her," Chris admitted, "Buuut, I figured it'd be more fun to mess around with her s'more!"_

_(End Confessional)_

The next ones on the Gimbal Rig were Lindsay, Fighter, and Leshawna. However, only Fighter went through with it without throwing up. Black Mage suggested this was because Fighter was so stupid he didn't know _how _to throw up. Ezekiel went next, and didn't throw up either. Once they let him down, though, he made a dash for the nearest rest room.

"There goes a proud man," Chris said, watching Zeke go. "To proud to let us watch him puke."

Mr. 3 didn't even last half a minute before throwing up. Tyler did, however, and even did a handstand when he was let off.

Owen was next. Unfortunately, what looked like another easy win turned sour as the hefty kid blew his cookies, which, by a million-to-one chance, hit Black Mage.

("…I will kill him…" Black Mage murmured, "I will kill him to death…")

Ashley, Gwen, DJ, and Bon Bonne went, and none of them puked. Ratticus was too small to fit in the Rig, and was thus disqualified. Shantae just barely kept from blowing her cookies when it was her turn, which was more than what Heather could do. Her vomit ended up on Black Mage too.

("And to think, I was starting to not hate her…" Black Mage murmured in a venomous voice.)

Dopey managed to go the entire ride without throwing up, but when he was let down the dwarf fainted.

Up next was Bender.

"I don't know why I have to do this," Bender said, "I'm a robot, y'know."

"We'll see." Chris replied, activating.

While Bender didn't throw up in the traditional sense, his chest cabinet swung open during the tumble and a bucket fell out, striking Black Mage in the face.

"That _does _it!" Black Mage shrieked, throwing the bucket down. "I've had it with this show! Lately all that's happened is me getting hurt! And it's the first episode! I'm done! We're done! _Everyone _is done!"

"Not yet, BM," Chris said, "We just gotta put you through this thing, and then we'll move on."

"Wait, what?"

Black Mage, when put into the Gimbal Rig, did not throw up. This was not due to any self-control the wizard might have had over his gut, but more because the Gimbal Rig suddenly fell apart while it was in motion, flinging Black Mage against the wall. Everyone stared as he slowly slid down to the floor.

"Well, on to the next round!" Chris declared, "Everyone who passed, follow me. You losers can just hang around outside, or something. Dunno, don't care."

"What about Black Mage and Bender?" Luigi asked.

"Oh, them. They both fail," Chris shrugged, "Bender, 'cause he couldn't keep the stuff in his chest down, Black Mage because the machine broke."

"How is that my fault!" Black Mage yelled.

Chris ignored him. "Onward!"

-TDP-

As Chris led the survivors of the Gimbal Rig down another hallway, he said, "Y'know, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. I was hoping we could finish shooting early. That's why I ran the Rig at three times the recommended speed…"

"Wait, what?" Gwen asked.

"…but since most of you guys are still here, I have no choice but to unleash…" Chris opened a pair of double doors, "The _G-force Simulator!_"

Everyone gasped at the large device in the room before them. It was essentially a giant pillar sticking out of the ground, with two rods branching off in the middle. At the ends of those rods were seats.

"Astronauts use this to simulate the incredible pressure they feel when blasting off," Chris explained, "The conditions of this test, like the others, are simple; just ride out the machine as it swings you around. If you don't pass out, you pass."

"So, we pass…by _not _passing?" Fighter asked.

There was a sound of heavy footsteps, and Ezekiel dashed in.

"Did I miss anything?" He asked, panting. "What's the test?"

"Ride the machine, don't faint." Chris summarized, and asked, "Now, who would like to go first?"

Earthworm Jim bravely stepped forward. "I'll go!" He declared grandly.

"You sure?" Chris asked.

Jim grinned. "Not to worry! My suit comes equipped with G-force compensators! I never feel a thing when blasting off to save the day!"

Chris' smile grew even wider. "Well, we wouldn't want anyone to have an unfair advantage! Chef?"

Chef Hatchet, Chris' big mean sidekick, stepped out of the shadows and grabbed the top of Jim's head. In one smooth motion, heedless of Jim's screams, he ripped the mutant worm out of his supersuit and slammed him into one of the seats on the G-force simulator.

"And since we've got one seat left, the honor of sharing this ride with Jim goes to _you,_ Courtney!" Chris said.

Courtney barely had time to protest or even react when Chef grabbed her and strapped her in the second seat.

"Just think of it like a carnival ride." Chris suggested as Chef began to fiddle with the controls, "Except at the end, you won't get any cotton candy."

The simulator started up. While most G-force simulators would start out slow before building up to the appropriate speed, the one operated by Chef went at top speed within _seconds_. Jim and Courtney's screams were lost in the wind created by the simulator.

"You sure you know what you're doing?" Chris asked Chef. Chef just shrugged.

After about five minutes, the simulator slowed to a stop. Everyone crowded around to see how Jim and Courtney had done.

Jim, having felt G-forces for the first time without protection from his suit, had passed out, his tongue lolling about. That was nothing compared to how Courtney looked. Her face had frozen into an expression of both pain and terror. Her eyes were bloodshot and wide, her mouth fused into a combination smile-grimace, and she didn't appear to be moving.

"Is she okay!" Luigi asked, shocked.

"She'll be fine, once her brain restarts," Chris said, "Now, let's toss these two failures in the corner and strap someone else in!"

Dopey chose that moment to faint.

Needless to say, the next two testers, Bridgette and Luigi didn't do as well. In addition to failing, Luigi's hat was sent flying. Luckily, it struck Black Mage in the face as he wandered into the room. When it was DJ and Ashley's turn, Ashley attempted to fake Chris out by drawing a pair of fake eyes on her eyelids. Having seen that trick before, Chris wasn't impressed.

"You've got magic and that's all you can do?" Chris had asked her when she woke up, "Seriously?"

"I was still dizzy from that stupid Gimbal Rig." Ashley muttered.

Next was Shantae and Tyler. Not only did they pass out, but for some reason, Shantae's ponytail ended up tangled in the simulator. Tyler's sweat strap, meanwhile, had flown off and hit Black Mage. Again.

Gwen and Duncan were next. They barely had time to give each other comforting smiles before the simulator started up and knocked them out. Oddly enough, one of Duncan's piercings had flown off and struck Black Mage…with the sharp end.

"Auuugh!" The murderous one screamed, "Why, great gods of evil, _why?_"

Izzy went next. Not that anyone else had a say in the matter. Punching a few commands in the console, she strapped herself as the simulator went on automatically. Unfortunately, in her zeal, she didn't tighten the straps, and thus went flying out and against the wall.

Bon Bonne and Bridgette went next. Bridgette, naturally, passed out. It was harder to tell in Bon Bonne's case, as he really didn't have a visible face to see. The only change was that his eyes had become twin spirals.

"You sure he's out?" Chef asked, "I mean, he could just be makin' faces."

Chris tapped Bon Bonne on the shoulder. The lumbering hulk fell over like a board.

"I'm sure. Next!"

Black Mage stepped up. "Just a warning; the next person who's headgear goes flying into my face gets a knife in the heart. Several knives, maybe."

DJ gulped. Waving his hand, he cried, "I forfeit! I quit! I don't wanna get stabbed!"

"You sure?" Chris asked, "You _could _just take your hat off."

DJ shook his head. "Nah, it's all right. I'd end up fainting anyway."

Chris shrugged. "True. In that case, Chef, strap in Chiyo and Harold."

Before being forcibly stuffed into the G-force simulator, Harold took off his glasses and put in them in his pocket.

"I have great faith in my ability to handle the pressures of G-forces," Harold explained, "But that won't do me any good if Black Mage stabs me afterwards."

After Chiyo and Harold took the test, fainted, and were thrown into the corner, a tinkling noise told everyone that the glasses had broke.

Chris winced. "Ooh, I hope he's got a spare. Who's next? Zeke?"

"Right here, yo, eh!"

Chris turned and stared. Standing before him was Ezekiel, wearing Earthworm Jim's supersuit, looking very proud of himself.

"Oh, very clever, Ezekiel," Chris remarked, rolling his eyes. "Chef?"

Over Ezekiel's protests, Chef Hatchet grabbed the homeschooled and pulled him out of the suit. One spin in the G-force simulator later, one more unconscious body was thrown in with the pile.

"Looks like no one passed." Black Mage noted.

"Looks like." Chris agreed. Thoughtfully, he said, "I wonder if I shouldn't have put the machine at top speed…" He shrugged. "Ah well, not like we can do it over again," Turnign to the camera, Chris said, "With all competitors out of the running, the one to be eliminated could be anyone! Who will get the boot? Find out, right after these messages!"

-TDP-

Everyone had gathered outside again. The cast was standing before Chris and Chef Hatchet, who stood in front of the doors to the space center. Next to them was something covered by a sheet, about Chet's height.

"Welcome back," Chris said, "When we left off, nobody here had gotten immunity," To the cast, he said, "Pretty sucky, guys."

"Oh, shut up and let us vote!" Heather snapped.

"Oh, we won't be voting this time, Heather." Chris replied.

"We won't?" Mr. 3 asked, confused.

"Nope! Instead, the decision of elimination will go to the latest member of the Total Drama crew…" Chris pulled the sheet away. "…The _Wheel of Elimination!_"

It was a giant wheel, set vertically. It was divided into twenty-five sections, and on it each one was a picture of a cast mate.

"You're going to spin a _wheel?_" Duncan asked, half-shocked, half-amused. "Seriously?"

"I thought you _voted _to see who gets disqualified on these shoes." Shantae commented.

"Oh, don't worry, we'll still do that," Chris said, "But only when I feel like it."

"God, why don't you just do this show however you feel like?" Gwen groaned, rubbing her forehead.

"I am!" Chris grinned, "Now, time to spin the wheel!"

Chef gave the wheel a hefty spin.

"Wheel of Elimination, turn turn turn!" Chris sang, "Show us which loser would burn!"

As the wheel spun, everyone began to sweat. In a matter of minutes, one of them would be eliminated from the show. And there would be no way to tell who it would be. Lindsay and Tyler held each other's hands. Unconsciously, Duncan and Gwen did the same.

DJ saw this, and glanced at Courtney. "Are you _sure _you're okay?"

"I told you, I'm over it!"

The wheel began to slow down. As it came to a stop, the space with Black Mage's picture neared the arrow.

"It's not me…" Ezekiel gasped, and cheered. "I'm not gonna be the first one eliminated!

Black Mage was equally happy. "I'm not gonna be on the crappy show any longer!"

Then, forces unknown made themselves known. Just as the Black Mage space was right under the arrow, the wheel suddenly spun around and came to a stop- with _Ezekiel's _picture under the arrow.

"What? _No!_" Both guys cried.

"Well, that was weird," Chris admitted, before smiling. "But, the Wheel has spoken! Ezekiel, you're outta here…again."

"Come _on!_" Ezekiel whined, "Weren't you paying attention? That was rigged, for sure!"

Chris shrugged, "Who could possibly rig the wheel?"

Out of the corner of her eye, Bridgette could have sworn that Ashley's eyes were glowing. Before she could point this out, Black Mage spoke up.

"Look, I don't _want _to be in this show!" He shouted, "Look, snow cap here and I can trade! That way, he can go through the horrible things _I'd _go through!"

"The Wheel," Chris said firmly, "Has spoken."

Chef walked up, grabbed Ezekiel, and dragged him away.

"Well, I would've voted him off anyway." Heather admitted, still thinking about what happened at the end of season 3.

"Yeah, definitely."

"Can see that."

"Uh-huh."

Grinning, Chris turned to the camera. "Now that that's been taken care of, there's one direction this show could go- UP! Tune in to see our epic blast off to…

"…**TOTAL…DRAMA…PLANET!**"


	2. One Small Step For Drama

"Last time, on Total Drama Planet, twenty-five entrants were chosen to take part in the first reality show on another planet.

"However, we only wanted twenty-two.

"And so, after a series of invigorating and _nauseating _tests, we spun the Wheel of Elimination and gave everyone's favorite loser Ezekiel the boot.

"Join us today as we form teams and blast off," Chris said, "To **TOTAL…DRAMA…PLANET!**"

Episode 2: One Small Step For Drama

"Welcome back to Total Drama Planet," Chris said, standing in a random room, "Here come the other twenty-four freaks who luckily avoided getting eliminated."

The doors opened and the cast walked in, their chatter filling the air.

"So you think it was _Ashley _who messed with the wheel?" Courtney asked Bridgette skeptically.

"I know it sounds weird," Bridgette admitted, "But when the wheel acted weird, her eyes were glowing! That's gotta mean something."

"Even if she does have vaguely defined supernatural powers," Courtney said, "It still doesn't explain why she'd want a murderous little psycho like Black Mage over socially-inept but _unmurderous _Ezekiel."

Bridgette had no answer to that. She just shrugged, and looked over to where Ashley was. She was currently hunched over something…

"Okay, now that you're all here," Chris said, "It's time to make teams!"

"Hey, Chris!" Izzy piped up, "Do we get to pick team names this season?"

"Nope!" Chris said, pointing. "Your team names have been selected by a team of professional…guys who do that stuff."

-TDP-

In a random conference room, Sasquatchanakwa, The Insane Psycho Killer With a Chainsaw and a Hook, and Mr. Coconut sat at a table. Before them lay a pile of papers with random words, like "Burly Blimps" or "Gnarly Ones"

"We _so _don't get paid enough for this." The Insane Psycho Killer With a Chainsaw and a Hook commented.

Sasquatchanakwa nodded as Mr. Coconut fell off his chair.

-TDP-

"So," Chris said, "Courtney, Luigi, Gwen, Ratticus, Owen, Jim, Harold, Black Mage, Tyler, Shantae, DJ, Chiyo… You guys are now the _Danger Will Robinsons!_"

A screen behind Chris lit up, showing a purple emblem of a familiar robot head.

"Oh, boy!" Ratticus cheered, "I'm the team with the least amount of scary people!"

DJ gulped as Courtney and Gwen exchanged cool looks. He knew that Courtney said she was okay, but still…

"And now, Fighter, Izzy, Ashley, Duncan, Bon Bonne, Heather, Leshawna, Bender, Lindsay, Mr. 3, Bridgette, Dopey…" Chris said, "You guys are the _Beam-Me-Up Scotties!_"

The screen now showed a yellow emblem of a Tam o'Shanter. Lindsay raised her hand.

"Chris, is it okay if I trade places with someone on Tyler's team?" she asked, "'Cause, he and I are boyfriend-girlfriend, and it would be pretty awkward if we were on opposite teams."

"Um, let me think about that," Chris said sarcastically, "…No!"

Confuses, Lindsay looked between the two teams. "But…it's like you've purposely put the guys and girls who are couples on different teams!"

"That's silly, Lindsay," Fighter said, "Nobody who smiles so much would be that cruel. I'm sure that's just a statistical anomaly!"

"Yes, that's exactly what it is," Chris said, grinning.

_(Confessional)_

"_Am I surprised that Chris is trying to pit the couples, like me and Duncan, against each other?" Gwen asked, "No. Upset, yes, but surprised, no."_

_(End Confessional)_

"Anybody else got a problem?" Chris asked.

"Actually, Chris,I have one thing to note," Harold intervened, "Nobody on _Star Trek _actually said, 'Beam me up, Scotty' the closest anyone got to that phrase was on the animated series, and that was-"

"Zzzip it!" Chris snapped, a frown on his face. "Now, to the spaceship for blast off!"

Owen froze. "Y-you mean, take off? As in, getting air born, leaving the planet, that sort of thing?"

"You know it, Owen." Chris said.

"Oh…cool…" Owen replied, his eyes twitching. "I just thought… Courtney mentioned that Total Drama Island was just a huge set once, so I figured it'd be the same… No problem…heh heh…"

"Oh, we're going to a set." Chris commented, watching as Owen's pores began to work overtime.

"Oh!" Owen relaxed, immensely relieved. "That's good to know."

"It's just on another planet!"

Owen's eyes became very small as he stiffened again.

-TDP-

"I don't wanna _go!_ You can't make me! Put me down!"

Like a little boy who's just been told that it's bath time, Owen continued to wail, his loud whining echoing down the hallway as Earthworm Jim, DJ, and Bon Bonne carried him. The rest of the teams marched ahead, trying to ignore the hissy-fit he was throwing.

Rolling his eyes, Bender tapped Duncan's shoulder. "Yo, stereotypical Stupid ages punk. What's with Jumbo?"

Duncan, a bit annoyed at being called 'stereotypical', glanced back at Owen and shrugged. "Owen? He just hates flying, that's all."

Owen wasn't the only one showing reservations about the impending flight. Luigi and Chiyo were also looking a bit worried.

"Wh-what if something goes wrong…?" Chiyo gulped, "I-I mean, how do we know that the ship is safe…?"

"As long as he didn't buy it from some guy named Ackbar, I don't care." Black Mage muttered.

-TDP-

At the controls of the shuttle, Chef Hatchet and Chris, both wearing spacesuits, began to fiddle around.

"Oh yeah, Chef," Chris said, "You got receipts from that Ackbar dude, right?"

Chef nodded, and held up a fistful of papers.

-TDP

Calling upon her oft-mentioned experience as a CIT, Courtney bent down to Chiyo's level and patted her on the back.

"It'll be all right," She said encouragingly, "I'm sure we'll survive."

"Yeah," Gwen commented, "Chris needs us for the show- he won't kill us off right away."

"Hey!" Courtney hissed, "I'm trying to be comforting, here! Keep your gloomy goth-talk to yourself!" Loudly, she faked a laugh. "Hahaha, she's such a kidder!"

"Have no fear!" Jim spoke up loudly, "If any such emergency arises, I, Earthworm Jim, the galaxy's mightiest invertebrate, will gladly save our lives!"

Owen stopped flailing as everyone looked at the worm.

"Really?" Owen asked.

"You bet!" Jim said, punching a fist in the air.

Unfortunately, the fist was the one Jim was using to hold up Owen. The overweight teen went flying towards the gang ahead. They all scattered, except for Black Mage, who tripped over his robes. There was an amusing 'SQUISH!' as the inevitable happened.

_(Confessional)_

"_If it weren't for his blubber holding me down, I would have killed him then and there." Black Mage hissed, the point on his hat crumpled._

_(End confessional)_

The teams boarded the Total Drama shuttle, and followed the arrows on the floor towards their seats. They soon found a room that looked very much like the seating arrangement found in normal airplanes, four seats in each row. The Danger Will Robinsons took the left rows, while the Beam-Me-Up Scotties took the seats on the right. With cumbersome effort, the two teams strapped themselves in.

Leshawna glanced at the person sitting next to her. "You okay, big guy?"

"Babuu." Bon Bonne muttered, fidgeting. Despite all evidence to the contrary, his large, awkwardly shaped body fitted into the straps.

On the wall in front of them was a screen. The screen lit up, showing Chris. Behind him was Chef, punching in some commands.

"Good day, Total Dramanauts!" Chris greeted, "You all in?"

Gwen raised an eyebrow. "Uh, Chris? How come the rest of us don't have spacesuits?"

"Because," Chris replied, "We could only afford two with our budget."

Gwen crossed her arms and frowned. "Figures."

"We are now about to blast off in T-minus five minutes," Chris continued, "Please make sure you're seat belts and safety harnesses are securely fastened as the shuttle is attached to the booster rockets. It would suck if one of you fell out during our ignition sequence."

"Wait!" Ratticus cried, struggling with his straps. "Mine doesn't work!"

The entire ship began to tilt as it was pointed up. Ratticus, unable to adjust the straps to his small size, fell from his seat and went tumbling down towards the back of the room. By the time he hit the back wall, the shuttle was no completely vertical.

"Blast off in T-minus two minutes," Chris said, "Hope y'all are in your padded seats, or you might get hurt."

"_I'm_ not in my seat!" Ratticus wailed, "Someone help me!"

DJ glanced back down at where Ratticus had fallen. He watched the enhanced rat fruitlessly jump up and down, unable to reach the seats.

"Shouldn't we help him?" He asked his neighbor.

Shantae looked back. "I don't think my ponytail can reach that far."

"T-minus one minute!"

Bender raised a hand. "Twenty bucks and I'll save your rat."

DJ pulled out a bill. "Here!" He was about to throw it to Bender when Courtney snatched the bill out of his hand from behind. "Hey!"

Ignoring him, Courtney shouted, "Save our rat _then _you'll get twenty bucks!"

Bender extended one of his arms back and picked Ratticus off the floor. Retracting his arm, Bender threw the rodent into his chest cabinet. "Twenty bucks!"

"T-minus thirty seconds!"

Courtney wrapped the note around a pebble and threw it at Bender, who took out Ratticus and gave the rodent a toss towards the last empty seat. Tyler caught Ratticus and quickly strapped him in- upside down. On the screen, Chris grinned, and took a seat next to Chef.

"T-minus twenty seconds!" He called, "Care to give a countdown?"

The screen switched from Chris to what looked like an old-fashioned movie countdown.

Gripping her harness, Leshawna gulped, "Ten!"

Luigi pressed his hat down. "Nine…"

Duncan grinned, in spite of himself. "Eight."

"Seven." Shantae said, staring ahead.

"Six!" Courtney said, tensing.

"eviF!" Ratticus yelped.

"Five- I mean, four!" Lindsay cried.

"Three…" Mr. 3 shivered.

"Two." Ashley said softly, a faint smile growing.

Gwen shared one last look with Duncan before looking ahead. "One."

"Blast off!" Owen whooped, pumping his arm. "_Woo-hoo!_"

-TDP-

Outside, Ezekiel and Sasquatchanakwa, handcuffed to each other, stared as the Total Drama space shuttle's rockets ignited, and the ship blasted off towards the sky in a grand explosion.

Ezekiel glanced at Sasquatchanakwa. "You can un-cuff me now, eh."

The purple bigfoot began to pat around his fur with his free hand. He then looked very worried.

-TDP-

In the cockpit of the shuttle, Chef sighed and leaned back in his seat. "This doesn't feel so bad."

Chris grinned. "I know! Thanks to these state-of-the-art suits, we can enjoy our ascent towards the vacuum of space without the pressure and pain caused by all those G-forces. I'd hate to do this without wearing one of these beauties."

-TDP-

The Dramanauts weren't having as good a time as Chris and Chef were. Their screams were matched only by the ship's shaking.

"EYES…PRESSING BACK INTO BRAIN!" Heather shrieked.

"I pray for a death that will not come!" Black Mage hissed.

"G-G-G-G-GOSH!" Harold yelled as his body shook.

"WOO-HOO!" Izzy squealed giddily, "Can ya FEEL IT!"

And then, just like that, it was over. The shaking, and the awful, painful pressure, had ceased.

Chris' voice sounded out from the speakers of the screen. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are now in space. Repeat, we are in space."

Just as Chris said that, Luigi's hat floated off his head.

"Congratulations, Total Dramanauts, you are the first reality show ensemble in space.

Cheers went up.

"won em eitnu enoemos naC?" Ratticus asked.

"Whoops," Tyler said, and reached for the rat. "Sorry, dude. I got ya!"

Tyler undid Ratticus' straps, and the rodent began to float in the air.

"Hey, good idea!" Izzy said, "Time for some zero-G fun!"

Unbuckling her harness, Izzy took to the air with squeal, knocking Ratticus away.

"Yeah!" Owen shouted, "Zero-G rocks! Woo-hoo!"

Owen unstrapped himself- but didn't rise. Confused, he said, "Something doesn't feel right…"

_(Confessional)_

"_As it turned out, I was just wedged into my seat real tight," Owen explained, "I mean, there's no way I'm too heavy to be affected by zero gravity… _Nobody's _heavy in zero gravity!"_

_(Confessional)_

It wasn't too long before most of the Dramanauts were taking advantage of the lack of gravity. Unfortunately, due to the limited space of the cabin, this meant that several collisions ensued.

"Uhn! Duncan!" Courtney growled, "Get your greasy paws off me!"

"Hey, _you're _the one who crashed into me," Duncan defended. Looking down, he called, "Hey, Gwen! I could use a _real _girlfriend up here!"

Gwen shrugged. "Sounds like fun, but not interested."

"Why not?" Duncan asked.

"Because, zero-G is the sort of thing you do when not wearing a skirt." Gwen replied, keeping her skirt pressed down.

"What's wrong with skirts?" Lindsay asked, "I'm wearing one…" Her cheeks turned red as the connection was made. "_Ohhh…_"

Directly under Lindsay, Tyler hastily shut his eyes. After a moment's thought, he covered Harold's.

_(Confessional)_

"_I'd like to commemorate this moment with a drink." Bender said. _

_Reaching into his chest cabinet, Bender pulled out a beer bottle. Uncapping it, he pointed the opening over his mouth. Instead of pouring down, the beer floated out and around._

_Bender glared at the wayward booze. "Gravity be a harsh mistress when absent."_

_(End confessional)_

At Bridgette's seat was a window. Looking outside, she gasped. "Look!"

Everyone gathered around. Before them was the Earth, in all of its glory.

"Wow…" Gwen said.

"Dude…" DJ whispered.

"It's…" Leshawna trailed off before catching herself. "It's so _big…_"

They stared down at the mostly blue sphere before and below. They stared at the circulating clouds, whose movements could hardly be noticed by the naked eye, but felt by the soul. They gazed at the oceans around the green and brown continents.

_(Confessional)_

"_When I looked down at the Earth," Heather said, "For the first time in my life, I felt…insignificant," She frowned. "I am _not _insignificant."_

_(End confessional)_

"Attention, Dramanauts!" Chris' voice said over the speakers, "We are about to enter warp speed. If you are not in your seats when we do- heh heh- it's gonna hurt!"

Pandemonium ensued. The Dramanauts floating around tried to swim back to their seats, a feat made more cumbersome by the fact that there isn't enough resistance in the air to swim against.

-TDP-

The Total Drama Space Shuttle's rockets began to glow purple as the ship's momentum increased. In a flash of plaid, it blasted off out of sight, leaving behind a trail of sparkles that coincidentally spelled the word DRAMA out among the stars.

-TDP-

High above a strange world that looked quite different from the Earth, the Total Drama Space Shuttle appeared in a fantastic explosion of plaid.

-TDP-

Inside the teams cabin, the Dramanauts had managed to re-strap themselves back into their seats, and were more or less unharmed; Less in the sense that now Ratticus wasn't the only one strapped in upside-down, and more in the sense that Owen was sitting in Black Mage's seat…while Black Mage was sitting in it.

"Ladies and gentlemen, if you will look outside the left-hand window, you will see the Total Drama Planet." Chris' voice announced.

"Geddoffa me!" Black Mage snarled, shoving Owen's bulk off. "Do I _look _like a seat cushion to you?"

The Dramanauts gathered to the windows and looked. Before them was vast alien world, looking like a ball that had been attacked by a serial tie-dyer. There was no way to tell what was land and what was ocean.

"I wonder what's down there?" Shantae said.

"Knowing Chris, nothing good." Duncan replied.

"And, and if you look to your left," Chris' voice continued, "You will see the Total Drama space station in orbit. All of the footage taken planet-side will be transmitted through the station to our faithful viewers on Earth."

The Dramanauts glanced at the thing floating in the distance. It didn't look like much.

"And if you look _real_ closely, you can see Chef and I flying towards the station in our state-of-the-art space suits! Have fun landing!" Chris finished.

Fighter squinted. "Hey, I think I see them! Aww, they look like little dolls!"

Mr. 3 frowned. "Wait…McLean and Hatchet were the ones steering this thing, weren't they?"

Bridgette glanced at him. "Yeah. So?"

"So…" Mr. 3 said slowly, "If they're not aboard, that means no one's flying…and if no one's flying…how are we going to land?"

There was a pause as everyone took that in.

-TDP-

In space, no one can hear you scream.

Nonetheless, the ship began to vibrate violently as it plummeted towards the planet.

-TDP-

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Luigi wailed.

"WE'RE AL GONNA DIE?" Chiyo shrieked, tears streaming down her face.

"Save us, Earthworm Jim!" Owen screamed.

Owen's plea was met with a loud snore. The Dramanauts stared incredulously at Jim, who was leaning back, sawing logs.

"HE'S _ASLEEP?_" Heather screamed.

"_Now _what do we do?" DJ cried.

"Leave it to me!" Izzy yelled, "Let me at that cockpit and I can land this bird on the sun!"

"There is no way we are trusting _you _with this thing!" Leshawna snapped, "Let's send Bender up!"

Bender, who had been screaming and flailing with the rest of the Dramanauts, stopped and stared at her. "Huh?"

"Right!" Bridgette cried, realizing what Leshawna meant. "He's from the future! It should be _easy _for him to land the ship!"

"No, it shouldn't!" Bender snapped, "One, I'm not a licensed pilot, and two, your 21st century ships are _way _too primitive for a sophisticate machine like me! That's like asking a guy who can drive a Ferrari if he could drive a horse and buggy!"

Lashawna blanched. "_What? _Oh, great!"

"Fear not, fair Lashawna!" Harold declared, pointing upwards. "_I _can land us!"

"_You?_" Duncan asked incredulously.

"Back at the space center, I spent a few hours on the simulator!" Harold bragged, "I'm the most familiar with the ship's controls!"

"Fine, whatever!" Courtney snapped, "Just get up there!"

"He can't." Ashley said simply. Everyone looked at her. "I just tried. There's no way to get into the cockpit."

"What?"

Tyler ran for the door at the front of the cabin. "It's stuck!"

"So _we're _stuck?" Bridgette asked, horrified.

"No we're not!" Duncan yelled, digging into his pocket. "I've broken into too many cars to let a stupid lock stop me!" He whipped out a Swiss army knife. "Give me five minutes and I'll open 'er up!"

Then came a very loud beep. An electronic voice from the speakers said, "Attention: Now entering planet's atmosphere. Ship will touch down in exactly two minutes."

There was a pause as everyone took that in. Then they began to scream wildly.

-TDP-

In a locker room, Chris and Chef watched the antics going on in the shuttle on a ceiling-mounted television as they changed out of their spacesuits. The two of them exchanged odd looks as they watched Owen try to fruitlessly shake Jim awake.

"They sure are freaking out," Chris noted. "Think I should tell 'em about the autopilot?"

There was a pause, and then the two of them burst out laughing.

-TDP-

In the center of a bizarre alien forest was a large clearing, about the size of a mall's parking lot. Above it, the Total Drama Space Shuttle plummeted down, charred black from the heat of reentry and air-friction. Just before it crashed nose-first into the ground, it froze in the air. Then, very gently, it righted itself and softly planted itself on the ground. A piece of metal fell off.

-TDP-

In the passengers' seats, all of the Dramanauts lay in a dizzied heap. All accept for Bon Bonne, who remained strapped into his seat during the insanity, and Jim, who was still asleep.

"What…what happened?" Gwen asked, her head sticking out from between Harold's foot and Fighter's back. "Weren't we doomed a few minutes ago?"

"May…maybe we died." Luigi suggested.

"I doubt it." Black Mage muttered, pulling himself out from the bottom of the pile.

"What makes you so sure?" Leshawna asked.

"I know we're not dead because _I'm _not in Hell." Black Mage replied coolly.

"Makes sense."

Jim snorted, yawned, and slowly opened his eyes. "Ahhh…ugh, mm. Sorry, must have fallen asleep from all that rocking. Are we space yet?"

Everyone else glared at him.

"That's it, there's a certain level of stupid I can take in a single day," Black Mage grumbled, now free of the pile. "If anyone needs me, I'll be outside."

"Aren't we sealed in?" Shantae asked as he marched towards the door.

"For _now._" Black Mage scoffed and pulled out a dagger. The door slid open. "That's right, doors know how it goes down in Black Mage town."

Black Mage walked out. This act was followed by the sound of a yell and a soft thud. The Dramanauts exchanged looks.

-TDP-

"Did you _all _have to land on me?" Black Mage asked irritably after everyone had left the ship.

"Well, it's not our fault you were lying directly under the door where everyone else fell from." Bender answered.

"I wasn't lying there because I _wanted _to," Black Mage hissed, "I was lying there waiting for my _bones _to knit!"

The other Dramanauts stared at their new surroundings. Off to the distance was a small waterfall that poured into a stream that ran through the field. Directly opposite of that was a shiny, Stonehenge-looking structure.

"This place doesn't look so bad," DJ commented, "I wonder why Chris let us land here?"

"It was probably an accident," Gwen said, "Chris wouldn't send us anywhere that wasn't sucky."

"Aw, don't be like that," A voice said from behind, "You'd think I was a bad guy!"

Everyone whirled about to look. "Chris!"

"Have a nice landing?" Chris asked, "Did the autopilot give you any trouble?"

"Autopilot?" Chiyo asked, still shaken from the experience. "You never said there was an autopilot!"

"Yeah, slipped my mind," Chris said with as much insincerity one could put into a statement, "Now, follow me to that Stonehenge thing!"

-TDP-

"This is the Hub," Chris explained, standing before the Stonehenge thing. "This is where you'll stay in-between challenges. Right behind me is the matter transporter. After each challenge, the losing team will decide which member of their team to eliminate. Whoever doesn't receive a space rock- like this one-" He held out a small golf ball-sized rock. "-Will ride the Beam of Defeat off the planet, and out of the game. Now, any questions?"

"I have one," Shantae said, raising her hand. "You said we'll be staying here, but _where_, here? Aside from the ship and this…thing…there's _nothing else here._"

"That's where you're wrong!" Chris rebutted cheerfully. "I had the interns set up a portable shower and outhouse near the river."

"But where are we gonna sleep?" Luigi asked, "Where are gonna _eat?_"

At the prospect of not-eating, Owen shrieked. "Ahh! We're gonna _starve!_"

The Dramanauts began to talk among themselves worriedly.

"Relax, guys," Chris said, "Chef will 'port down to hand out rations every day. As for shelter, what did you think the first challenge was?"

"Surviving our traumatic not-crash landing?" Fighter asked.

"Nope!" Chris grinned, "For the first challenge, both teams must construct their own shelters to survive the night!"

Very audible grumblings circled the group. As complaints and none-too-subtle jabs at Chris' intelligence and evolutionary level were heard and rendered intelligible when mixed together, Chris walked into the center of the matter transporter.

"I'll check up on you in the morning," Chris continued, "Whichever team has the best shelter by then will win a fantastic prize, while the losers will be sending someone off. See ya tomorrow!"

Chris waved, and in a fantastic beam of white light, shot up into the sky.

-TDP-

**Danger Will Robinsons**

Leaving the transporter, the Robinsons converged at a large rock vaguely resembled Chris' head…

"Okay, listen up, Robinsons!" Courtney barked, "According to my calculations, we've less than five hours before the sun sets. We need to have a shelter ready by then."

Tyler leaned next to Gwen and asked, "Who put Courtney in charge?"

"Just shut up and pretend you care," Gwen hissed, "It'll make things easier."

"The first thing we need to do is collect building materials!" Courtney decided, ignoring the peanut gallery. "I want everyone to spread out and gather up as much junk as you can, and meet back here in two hours. Go! Go! Go!"

Jumping to their feet, the Danger Will Robinsons ran off.

_(Confessional)_

"I _know what to do!" Ratticus stated boldly, "This'll be great!"_

_(End Confessional)_

**Beam-Me-Up Scotties**

On the opposite of the stream where the Robinsons were, the Scotties gathered at a hollow tree stump. That looked like a coffee mug. Shut up.

"So, we're supposed to make our _own _cribs?" Leshawna asked.

"That's messed up." Duncan said.

"Aw, c'mon, it'll be fun!" Fighter said, "We'll be like pioneers, pioneering as if it were the pioneered days!"

The Scotties stared at Fighter.

Rubbing the bridge of his nose, Mr. 3 sighed, "Ignoring that, I have a foolproof plan for us to win this event."

Bridgette looked at him. "You do?"

Mr. 3 chuckled and pushed up his glasses. "Little do you suspect, but I am much more than a brilliant criminal mastermind. I ate the Wax-Wax Fruit, and became a candle-man!"

Heather was not impressed. "That sounds even dumber than Fighter's spiel about pioneers."

Mr. 3's glasses shined. "Allow me to demonstrate. Candle Lock!"

Mr. 3 gestured towards Lindsay, and white glob shot out of his palm. Instantly, the blond chick's legs became bound by what looked like a candle the size of a log.

"Eek!" Lindsay cried, falling over in surprise.

"So you can make oversized candles," Bender scoffed, "Big deal."

Mr. 3 grinned. "But, I happen to be a master sculpture. There is no shape I can't form out of my wax, be it statues, walls…"

Bridgette caught on. "Or shelters?"

"Exactly."

"You've got enough of that to make a _house?_" Leshawna asked, her voice half-filled with skepticism, the other half awe.

Mr. 3 nodded, reveling in the attention. "I've done it before. This one will have to be bigger, and will take longer, but given enough time, I could form a wax palace!"

The rest of the Scotties were impressed, and began to talk amongst themselves in agreement. Then a lone voice spoke up.

"You want us to live in a house made of wax." Ashley said. It was not a question.

Mr. 3 nodded. "That's right."

Ashley raised an eyebrow. "A house that will _melt_."

Mr. 3 twitched. "It won't melt!" Taking a deep breath, he said more slowly, "The wax I produce is as strong as steel, and can last even in a steamy jungle. Unless you do something stupid like hold an open flame up to it, it'll be fine."

Behind them, Bender pulled out a bottle of beer and took a swig. As he put the bottle back in his chest cabinet, he belched a short ball of fire. No one noticed.

"Can someone help me up?" Lindsay asked, struggling to her feet.

"Babuu." Bon Bonne took hold of Lindsay and in one smooth motion, tossed her skyward.

"Too _hiiiiiighhhh!_" The ditz squealed as she vanished into the heavens.

"Coooool," Izzy cooed, watching Lindsay go. "Me next! Me next!"

**Danger Will Robinsons**

"Stupid bossy-girl…" Black Mage muttered, "Where does she get off… After we win the challenge, it's stabbin' time."

Cheered up by the thought of Courtney's repeatedly stabbed corpse, Black Mage continued to dig around through the grass. Grumbling curses and prayers to various dark gods, he finally came upon something.

"What's this?" He asked, and pulled up a large metal square. "Hmm. A sheet of metal. It probably fell from the ship during our not-crash landing. I wonder if anything else is gonna come down…and was there supposed to be an eclipse today?"

Lindsay landed on Black Mage, squashing him to the ground.

"Ow…where am I?" Lindsay asked, getting up.

"Bones…once again broken…" Black Mage moaned.

Lindsay looked down- and smiled. "Hey! The candle broke apart! My legs are free!"

"Urge to stab…rising…" Black Mage snarled softly.

"Wheee!" Lindsay cheered, and running off. Once she was out of sight, Black Mage staggered to his feet.

"Yeah, you better run!" He hissed, vaguely aware that Lindsay hadn't even noticed him, but to egotistical to accept it. "Well, at least something like _that _won't happen again."

Then Izzy fell on him.

-TDP-

Later, he and the rest of the Robinsons (Except for Jim, DJ, and Ratticus) gathered to show off their findings. It seemed to be mostly garbage left behind by the people who had wire the planet with cameras. The pile of junk did not impress Courtney.

"This is _it?_" She asked, disappointed.

"All we could find in two hours." Chiyo answered.

Courtney covered her eyes in dismay.

"Hey!" Harold cried, pointing. "Here comes DJ and Jim, and- GOSH!"

Everyone looked where Harold was pointing and saw what was so 'GOSH' about the two. Both of them were carrying in their arms several chunks of wood. Jim in particular was holding up an entire tree trunk above his head.

"Behold, fellow Robinsons!" The mutant worm boomed, "Like Abe Lincoln and Davy Crocket of yore, we will build a _log cabin_, to keep us warm in the cold winter nights!"

"Yeah!" Owen whooped, "We can do this! Woo-hoo!"

_(Montage. Song- The Touch, by Stan Bush)_

_Luigi begins passing out tools. A hack saw for Gwen, a screwdriver for Tyler. As he's giving a hammer to Black Mage, the head of the tool falls of the handle and onto the evil wizard's foot. Yellow eyes squint and Black Mage waves his arms wildly as he makes his pain known._

_Courtney, Shantae, and Harold are looking over a blueprint spread out on the ground. Courtney says something, and Shantae looks at her suddenly. This causes her ponytail to whip out and strike Harold in the nose. Confused, Shantae looks at Harold, causing her ponytail to snap at Courtney. The ex-CIT, seeing it coming, ducks just in time._

_Chiyo is holding up a log and DJ begins to pound it in. Every strike causes Chiyo's entire body to tremor as the log is forced into the ground. The underage Japanese college student's eyes tear up from the force, but she holds tight, hugging the log with her body. On the next strike, DJ accidentally hits his thumb. Clutching it, the Jamaican kid goes into a frenzy of cussing as Owen jumps in and covers Chiyo's ears._

**Beam-Me-Up Scotties**

"Easiest…challenge…ever!" Leshawna sighed, reclining against a lone tree. "I could get used to this."

"Do you think it's fair, though?" Bridgette asked, looking up from a magazine. "I mean, it looks like the Robinsons are getting into it over where they are."

Leshawna took a glance, and shrugged. "Whatever. All I can say is, wax-boy better deliver, or we know who's gettin' beamed off tomorrow."

"Well…"

"It's finished!" Mr. 3's voice called out.

The girls looked- and their jaws dropped. Standing behind Mr. 3 was a pure white castle, with turrets and everything. Over the entrance was a large 3.

"Behold!" Mr. 3 gloated, "My Candle Champion Fortress!"

The Scotties gathered at the wax castle, marveling at the design.

"It's so pretty!" Lindsay gasped, "Oh, I wish I could _live _here!"

"Babuu!"

"Not bad, meatbag." Bender commented.

"Let me show you the inside," Mr. 3 invited, and pointed at the camera. "You too."

The Scotties followed Mr. 3 through the tunnel-like entrance where the gate was. Bender paused to gaze up at the detail in the construction- er, sculpting.

"Truly, a marvel of the ages." He sighed, and took another swig of beer. This was followed by another belch of fire, which again no one noticed. As he walked in, the camera focused on a part of the wax that was starting to look very soft…

-TDP-

Heather glared at her surroundings. "This is _it?_" She demanded, "One lousy room?"

The tunnel Mr. 3 had led the Scotties down opened up into a ballroom-sized cavern of wax. However, there were no other openings anywhere. The light had been provided by several lamps positioned everywhere.

"This is the best I could do!" Mr. 3 protested.

"But what about those towers outside?" Fighter asked.

"Those were just for decoration," Mr. 3 admitted, "I'm an artist, not an architect."

_(Confessional)_

"_I thought if the shelter _looked _impressive, it would appeal to Chris." Mr. 3 said._

_(End confessional)_

While everyone else was busy inspecting their new shelter and/or complaining about it to Mr. 3, Ashley, inched back towards the entrance.

"Red," She said softly. A small demon poked his head in. "Are you ready?"

The small demon, named Red, nodded.

**Danger Will Robinsons**

After several hours and two montages of inept, half-baked construction, the Robinsons' shelter was finished. It resembled a log cabin the way a

"It looks like a piece of crap." Gwen said, speaking her mind and the collective opinion.

"Well it's better than nothing." Courtney said stubbornly.

Luigi peered inside. "It's gonna be a bit cramped…"

"Look, all we can do is leave Jim's suit outside, and have the smaller Robinsons sleep on the bigger ones," Courtney insisted, "We'll free up room by having Jim keep his suit outside. As long as it holds, it'll be fine."

"Don't worry about a thing, Courtney!" Jim declared, "This marvel of pioneering is almost as sturdy as I am!"

To demonstrate this, Earthworm Jim gave the structure a hardy slap. The result wasn't so much as 'destroyed' as 'blown across the landscape, leaving a trail of splinters and refuse.' The rest of the Robinsons stared in disbelief.

Jim chuckled sheepishly. "Heh heh. Oops."

Courtney's eye twitched. Then he other eye twitched.

Then she exploded.

"_**NOW **__what do we do!_" She screeched in a voice that shook the heavens.

"Wow, there goes about three hours." Gwen said sarcastically.

"Easy, Courtney," DJ said, reaching out. "We'll fix this…"

"How?" Courtney ranted, "We've got _nothing!_"

"We could hunker down in the ship," Tyler suggested, "Would that count?"

Courtney clutched her forehead as she tried to calm down. "Maybe...!"

"Look, you're getting worked up over nothing," Black Mage said, "There's a perfect solution to this mess."

Shantae asked, "What?"

Black Mage pointed across towards "Castle Scotty". "A fortress seems to have appeared for no reason at all. Undoubtedly, the Scotties will have already claimed it. Therefore…" He pulled out a pair of daggers. "…I submit that we take the fortress by force- lethal force, hopefully. Not only will we win the challenge by default, but we'll also cut our competition down by half." He noticed that everyone present was staring at him in horror. "…What?"

Owen leaned towards Courtney and whispered, "Uh, Courtney? I know you're probably dead-set on voting Jim off, but can we do Black Mage instead? He's scary…"

Black Mage growled. "At least I'm trying to help. I didn't knock down our crappy log cabin like an idiot hero. If you want to vote someone off, vote for the rat. He hasn't been seen since this stupid challenge began."

Just then, the ground exploded softly under Black Mage, knocking him over. When the dust cleared, it showed Ratticus' head sticking out of the soil.

"I'm almost done!" He announced, "I just need to make a few homey touches!"

With that, Ratticus' head receded. Exchanging looks, Luigi bravely stepped forward. He stuck his head down the hole.

"Mama mia!"

-TDP-

Time passed. The sun went down, and the moon rose. Several moons rose, actually. Fireflies flew about, three-eyed, horned toads hopped in and out of the brook, and caravan of cows, ridden by small, blue creatures with blue noses filed past. In the background, the Candle Champion Palace began to shake.

-TDP-

Just like the one at Earth, the sun of the Total Drama Planet rose. A few hours later, Chris McClean teleported in through the Matter transporter, followed by Chef Hatchet. Chris held a mug of coffee in his hand, while Chef was pulling a large cart behind him.

"Ahh, morning on the Total Drama Planet," Chris sighed, and took a sip of coffee. "Well, let's see how the losers have done."

Chef sniffed. "Do you smell cow?"

Chris shrugged, and walked off.

**Beam-Me-Up Scotties**

Chris arrived at the setting of the Candle Champion Fortress...and found a large pile of half-melted wax blocks.

"Okay…" Chris muttered, and tapped one piece of wax with his foot. "Anybody in there? Hellooo?"

At first, nothing, then one piece of the pile began to shift. Throwing it off of her, Heather sat up, coughing.

"What-" She gagged, and spat out a small waxy shard. "What happened?"

"You tell me." Chris said simply, "Last I checked, you had a castle up here, didn't you?"

"We did!" Heather insisted, "How-!"

Suddenly, Mr. 3 shot up from the rubble next to her. "My Candle Champion Fortress!" He cried, "What happened to it?"

Ashley slowly rose up from the ruins. "It melted."

The rest of the Scotties dug themselves out of the waxy blocks. Those that weren't spitting out bits of wax from their mouths (Like Bridgette, Leshawna, Dopey, and Fighter) were glaring daggers at Mr. 3.

"Well, it's still better than what the Robinsons had," Heather huffed, crossing her arms. "Have you _seen _the crappy cabin they built?"

"They ain't sleepin' in no crappy log-cabin." Chef announced, marching up.

Chris and Heather looked at him.

"Seriously?" Chris asked.

Chef nodded. "Yup. Just checked; nothin' over there 'cept a long line of wreckage. No Robinsons."

Chris rubbed the stubble on his chin. "Huh. Wonder where they are. Hope they weren't carried off by some alien monsters. It would _totally _kill the season if we lost an entire team on the second ep'."

Suddenly, Gwen's head popped out of the ground.

Heather blanched. "Goth girl?"

Gwen yawned. "Could you keep it down? We're trying to sleep, here."

And with that, Gwen's head receded. Chris and Heather exchanged looks worn by the weirded out.

**Danger Will Robinsons**

Chris stuck his head down the hole Gwen made and couldn't believe what he saw. The Robinsons were all lying around a large cavern-like burrow, snoring. Chiyo was lying against Owen's ample tummy. Black Mage was asleep in a corner, bound in a rope.

"Well, this is by shocking," Chris commented, and more loudly said, "Wakey-wakey! Eggs and breaky!"

There were groans. Black Mage fell over.

Chris rolled his eyes and pulled his head out. A hand clutching an air horn was lowered down into the burrow.

_HOOOONNNNNNKK!_

The Robinsons woke up screaming.

Chris chuckled. "The air-horn never fails, heheheh…"

-TDP-

Topside, the Robinsons had pulled themselves out of the hole.

"Explain," Heather ordered, "Where did find that hole?"

"Ratticus made it," DJ explained, shaking his head. "After the challenge began, he just started digging."

"Jim helped him finish up," Chiyo continued, "And all we had to do was move in," She cocked her head. "Wasn't there a castle here a few minutes ago? What happened to it?"

The Scotties glared at Mr. 3.

"It's not my fault!" Mr. 3 defended desperately.

"Well, it may be a filthy rat hole," Chris said, "But at least it's intact. The Danger Will Robinsons win the first challenge!"

The Robinsons cheered- and then winced, clutching their heads. Their ears were still ringing.

"And now for your prize." Chris said, and pushed a button on his watch.

There was the sound of rockets blasting, and giant steel-grey dome landed onto the field, away from where the Teams and Chris & Chef were. It had an oval-shaped door on the front.

"That is the Delux-a-tron Mobile Shelter!" Chris explained, "An advanced camping unit with separate sleeping quarters, clean bathrooms, laundry, air conditioning _and _rec room. The winners of each challenge will earn the right to bunk there until the next one. Losers sleep in the rat hole."

The Robinsons cheered, and ran off towards their new domicile. The Scotties looked down the entrance to the 'Rat Hole' gloomily.

"Meanwhile, I'll be seeing you Scotties at the Matter Transporter tonight," Chris continued, "Hope you've figured out who to eliminate by then."

Chris walked off chuckling as the Scotties glared at Mr. 3.

"Isn't anyone hungry for breakfast yet?" Chef Hatchet asked irritably.

**Danger Will Robinsons**

Inside the Delux-a-tron, the Robinsons were having a wild house party in the rec room. Music was playing from a jukebox, and those that weren't acting like complete fools on the dance floor were trying to play snooker on the billiards able off to the side.

And out of all of them, the only one not having a good time was Ratticus. He sat on a stool sighing forlornly.

Owen saw this and asked, "Hey, what's wrong, buddy? You won us the challenge? Why so glum, huh?"

Ratticus sighed. "I put a lot of effort into that rat hole, too…"

_(Confessional)_

"_I don't know how my wax castle fell apart like that!" Mr. 3 said, "But it wasn't my fault! My wax houses _never _crumble! Someone must have sabotaged it!"_

_(End Confessional)_

Night fell. The only light in the plain came from the energized Matter Transporter. The Scotties were seated gloomily before the entrance in a row of benches. Chris stood before them, a pile of rocks sitting next to him on a small table.

"Before we begin the _grueling _and _dramatic _space rock giving," Chris said, "I've gotta ask- A house that _melts?_ What were you thinking?"

"About a really good sales pitch." Duncan growled, as another group-glare focused on Mr. 3.

Chris shrugged. "Now for the rock ceremony. If you do not receive a space rock, that means you must ride the Beam of Defeat off the planet and out of the game. Now, Duncan…" He tossed the delinquent a rock.

Duncan caught it. Squinting, he saw that Chris' face had been painstakingly carved into the stone. Disgusted, he threw it away.

Chris continued, tossing rocks. "Leshawna…

"Dopey…

"Bridgette…

"Ashley…

"Izzy…

"Bon Bonne…

"Heather…

"Linsday…" Chris stopped, and frowned. "For the last time, babe, you're not supposed to vote for yourself."

"But I didn't!" Lindsay protested.

Fighter glanced at her. "Wait, so, this isn't a beauty contest?"

Chris rolled his eyes and tossed a rock towards Lindsay, and then Fighter. "Fighter…"

All that was left was Bender and Mr. 3. While the Waxman was hunched over, nervously shaking, Bender was leaning back, a leg resting on a leg, hands behind his head. He whistled a cheery tune.

Chris picked up the last rock and paused. He stared at the last two Scotties through half-closed lids. Mr. 3 kept shivering. Bender kept humming.

At last, Chris spoke. "Mr. 3, this rock…"

Mr. 3 gasped, smiling.

"…Does _not _go to you." Chris finished, and tossed the rock at Bender. Rather than catching it, the robot opened up his chest cabinet and the rock landed in there.

Mr. 3 slumped, and stood up. Walking over to the center of the Transporter, he shot one last look at his ex-team. They looked back uninterestedly. Except for Ashley, who was smiling slightly.

Mr. 3's eyes narrowed suspiciously, but before he could say anything, there was a bright flash of light and he vanished.

"Well, looks like Mr. 3 was Scotty number 1 on the elimination list," Chris said, "Who will be number 2? Find out next time, on **TOTAL DRAMA PLANET!**"

-TDP-

_(Confessional)_

"_Men like Mr. 3 are both intelligent and cowardly. Intelligent and cowardly men have a tendency to see things other people miss," Ashley explained, "He had to go."_

_(End Confessional)_

Near the space shuttle, Ashley leaned back against one of its wheels.

"Good job, Red." She said casually.

From behind Ashley, the little demon stepped out and held up a flamethrower. He gave it a few puffs of fire, snickering.

(A/N: Okay, I'll 'fess up. I added Mr. 3 for the sole purpose of this chapter.)


	3. Locking Horns

We open up to Chris sitting in what appears to be the corridor of some kind of hi-tech facility.

"Last time, one Total Drama Planet..." He began.

"We split our twenty-four Dramanauts into two teams- the Danger Will Robinsons, and the Beam-Me-Up Scotties. After blasting off into the final frontier, we _finally _arrived at the Total Drama Planet.

"There, our Dramanauts had to face their first team-challenge; building shelters. While the Robinsons scavenged the landscape and their brains for a means of shelter the Scotties had Mr. 3- who possessed wax powers- sculpt a castle for them.

"Needless to say, neither shelter worked out. Earthworm Jim super-heroic strength ruined the Robinsons' hard work, and even the grandest castles can't last if they're built to melt- like Mr. 3's did.

"The Robinsons won the challenge, though, by claiming Ratticus' rat burrow for themselves, while the Scotties sent Mr. 3 home to think about the strengths of a non-wax house.

"However, the wax castle might not have melted naturally, as private moment with Ashley revealed.

"Which team will come on top today? And will Ashley continue to sabotage her own?" Chris asked, "Find out today…

"On **TOTAL…DRAMA…PLANET!**"

Episode 3: Locking Horns

It was early morning in the Hub when Tyler awoke. Yawning, he stepped outside the Delux-a-tron, absentmindedly scratching himself. Looking around, he saw Lashawna lying against a tree.

"Hey, Leshawna!" He called, jogged over to her. When he got closer he saw that the ghetto girl's eyes were shut.

Leshawna opened and eye and yawned. "Hey, Tyler."

"What are you doing out here?" Tyler asked, stopping once he was close enough.

Leshawna stood up and stretched, groaning slightly. "Getting some fresh air. That hole was starting to smell funny. No ventilation."

Tyler chuckled sheepishly. "Yeah, we made Owen sleep near the entrance 'cause a' that," He then frowned. "What's she doing?"

Leshawna raised an eyebrow, so Tyler pointed. Looking in that direction, Leshawna saw Ashley hunched over something. Exchanging looks, the two teens walked over.

-TDP-

Ashley stared at the hole Red was digging in the ground. When it was deep enough to fit in, Red dropped his shovel, panting.

"A bit deeper, Red." Ashley ordered.

Red groaned, picked up the shovel, and began to dig again, falling into the hole. Eventually, he vanished from sight, tossing up more dirt as he tunneled.

"That's enough, Red." Ashley said.

The flow of dirt ceased. Ashley stared down the hole, but Red didn't come up. Sighing, the girl in red reached down and pulled the unconscious demon out. Reaching into her dress, she pulled out a small, green seed.

"Hey, Ashley."

Ashley glanced behind and saw Tyler and Leshawna walking up. She dropped the seed down the hole and pushed the dirt back in.

"Whatcha up to, girl friend?" Leshawna asked, trying to be cheerful. She saw the disturbed soil in front of Ashley. "Gardening?"

Ashley glanced at Leshawna, then back at the re-filled hole. "…Yes."

"Why?" Tyler asked.

"…Because." Ashley replied.

"Because…" Leshawna prompted awkwardly.

"Because it's a secret." Ashley said simply.

Leshawna and Tyler exchanged awkward looks. Whle Tyler looked slightly confused, Leshawna looked slightly annoyed.

_(Confessional)_

"_Man, that girl is more impersonal than Eva!" Leshawna remarked, "She at least had a violent temper to react to. Ashley hasn't spoken more than six times since we've got here!"_

_(End Confessional)_

Chef Hatchet soon came down with the day's rations, and everybody was up and about, eating. Due to a severe lack of tables to sit at, the Dramanauts had to sit the ground as they ate their bland, tasteless ration bars. While the 'newbies' were a smidge upset that their meals were less than they were expecting, the regulars were elated- the bars were a step up from the gruel chef normally served.

Their 'happy meal' was interrupted by the timely arrival of Chris, whose coming was foreshadowed by the light of the Matter Transporter.

"Okay, Dramanauts, time for your next challenge!" He announced, "If you will all calmly board the Shuttle, we can get moooving along." Chris grinned after he said that, clearly feeling quite clever."

Minutes later, with the teams, host, and big, mean chef aboard, the Total Drama Space Shuttle blasted off into the air.

-TDP-

The Shuttle landed in a field where the grass was a peculiar shade of blue, with yellow highlights. With mountains that were shaped suspiciously like hands making weird gestures, the cast gathered before Chris.

"Welcome to the Fields of Abduction." Chris began.

"Why is it called _that?_" Shantae asked.

"I'll tell you," Chris said, "No- better yet, I'll _show _you!"

Christ pointed behind the Dramanauts, and they turned to look.

"Cows?" Heather asked, bewildered.

Directly behind them were a bewildering amount of cows, all grazing, mooing, and being all cowish.

"Were those there before?" Owen asked, confused. "Because I'm pretty sure they weren't…"

"Look at that bunch…"Ratticus commented.

"Herd, actually." Harold corrected.

Ratticus gave him a look. "Heard of what?"

"Herd of cows." Harold explained.

"Sure I've heard of cows!" Ratticus said.

By the Shuttle, Chef played a rimshot on a set of drums.

"Ignoring that…" Chris mumbled, and said loudly, "As you know, a popular past time for alien visitors is abducting cattle. This is where they all end up."

"Mooooo." The cows said.

"On opposite sides of this field are signs, bearing your team's emblems," Chris went on, "For the first event in your challenge, you must herd as many cows around your sign as you can. Whichever team has the most cattle will win a special prize for the second event. Now, _moooove _it out!"

_(Confessional)_

"_Somehow, I knew that those awful puns were going to be the _least _bad thing to happen that day." Gwen confided._

_(End Confessional)_

**Danger Will Robinsons**

"I've got this challenge," Harold said confidently, "Witness the fruits of the summer I spent at Cactus Jake's Dude Ranch!"

The geeky one whipped out a lasso and began to twirl it overhead. A small amount of dust was kicked up as he twirled it faster and faster.

"Are you sure you know how to use that thing?" Shantae asked, backing away.

"Of course!" Harold grinned, and focused his gaze on a cow ahead. "Yee-ha!"

Harold let the lasso fly. Unfortunately, the rope went flying backwards instead of forwards, and ended up lasso-ing DJ.

"You're technique needs work." DJ commented dryly.

Harold rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Must've put in too much top-spin…"

Shantae rolled her eyes. With a flick of her head, she whipped one cow with her ponytail. "Giddyap!"

**Beam-Me-Up Scotties**

"_I _know how to deal with cows!" Izzy declared, "Dopey! Come with me!"

Dopey's eyes widened, and his shock at being singled out was such that he barely had time to protest as the crazy girl dragged him off. Meanwhile, the rest of the Scotties tried to get the cows moving towards their post with limited success.

"C'mon, girl, this way…" Bridgette said soothingly to one cow. The cow stared at her dryly, chewing a cud, not moving an inch.

"Aren't cows so cute?" Lindsay asked, rubbing one. "And they feel so cuddly!"

"Moo." The cow said, bored.

Lindsay stopped, confused. "Something's not right…aren't cows supposed to do something differently?"

Heather rolled her eyes.

_(Confessional)_

"_One good thing about not being able to score an alliance with Lindsay is, I won't have to put up with her any longer than I want to," Heather said, "And, best of all, I've found someone _better _to score an alliance with!"_

_(End confessional)_

Fighter bent down next to a cow and, with great effort, tried to pick it up.

"Hey, Fighter," Heather began cheerfully, walking up to him. "Let's talk."

**Danger Will Robinsons**

"Behold!" Jim declared, scooping up a cow with one arm. He held it up for all to see. "With my unstoppable might, I can win this challenge in seconds!"

"What are you gonna do?" Tyler asked.

"I will _toss _this cow towards our goal, thereby cutting down the time it would take to walk him there manually!" Jim explained as the cow said "Moo" in confusion.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Gwen asked.

"Yeah," Chiyo said, "What if you hurt the cow?"

"Don't worry," jim assured, "Cows _love _falling from great heights- And I should know! Just watch!"

Jim began his wind-up. Unfortunately, just as he started to throw, his foot slipped on something wet and the cow went flying straight up into the air. So high it vanished from sight. The Robinsons stared up, waiting for it to come down. Nothing happened.

"Yeah," Gwen said slowly. "I don't think we'll be doing that."

Black Mage rolled his eyes and walked towards another cow.

"Okay, cow, you heard the lady," He said, standing behind it. "Unless you want to join your friend in the stratosphere, I suggest you move those hoofs."

The cow's response was both succinct and painful.

**Beam-Me-Up-Scotties**

"…So, if we work together, we're guaranteed to be in the final two," Heather finished, "Agreed?"

"Oh, sure," Fighter replied, giving his cow a piggyback ride towards the Scotties' goal. "But, shouldn't we get permission from your parents, first?"

Heather stared at him. "…What?"

"I mean, this is a pretty big step you want to take," Fighter went on, "And we haven't even gone out."

"Bu- No!" Heather sputtered, "Not _marriage! _I just want you to vote for whoever I want you to vote for!"

"Oh."

"And you can't tell _anyone!_" Heather insisted.

"No problem," Fighter assured, "I'm very good at doing that."

It was at this moment that Black Mage, propelled by physical force, flew into Fighter's back, causing him to drop the cow. On Black Mage.

"Hi, buddy!" Fighter greeted cheerfully.

"_Mmmf!_" Black Mage kicked his legs fruitless, trying to get free. The cow stood up, allowing Black Mage to stand as well. "I never want to be near a cow's butt like that again!"

"Guess what!" Fighter said excitedly, "Heather and I are going to be in an alliance! That means we're just voting for the same people. Not getting married."

Heather's eye twitched as she stared at Fighter in disbelief before exploding. "_What _did I just say!"

Fighter looked at her. "To not tell anyone, duh."

"And _what _did you just do!"

"Don't worry, Black Mage's name isn't Anyone," Fighter explained, "I've known him for years. It's Evilwizardington. Unless he's been lying to me all this time…"

As Fighter mulled this thought over, Black Mage handed Heather a knife.

"You'll need this." He said.

"Moo." The cow said before kicking Black Mage away.

**Danger Will Robinsons**

"Hey, I've got an idea," Luigi said, snapping his fingers. "Does anyone have a musical instrument, like a harmonica, or ocarina?"

Without missing a beat, Harold reached into his pocket and pulled out a comb and tissue. He then folded the tissue around the teeth of the comb. He held it up to his lips and made a nasally toot with it.

Luigi, his eyebrow raised, took the comb kazoo.

"What are you going to do?" Tyler asked.

"I'm gonna lure these cows to our goal with some musical charm." Luigi explained.

"What, like the Pied Piper?" Owen asked curiously.

"Yup." Luigi replied.

Courtney's forehead creased as she frowned. "That is the _stupidest _idea I've ever heard! This isn't some childish fairy tale! It's the most sadistic reality show to ever be aired!"

"We'll see." Luigi said, and hummed the following tune;

_Toot too-toot… Toot too-toot…_

There was a sudden silence as all of the cows stared at Luigi.

_(Confessional)_

"_Then, all of the cows started to milk…" Gwen growled, her arms crossed._

_-TDP-_

"…_All by _themselves._" Ashley growled, her pigtails dripping._

_-TDP-_

_Dj twisted his hat, causing some milk to drip out. "It was insane!"_

_-TDP-_

"_Yeah, I saw all it all happen from a hill me an' Dopey were on," Izzy giggled, "And- Omigosh! It was like watching a flash flood grow out of the ground!"_

_(End Confessional)_

Soaked, smelly and udderly(PUN!) shocked at the event, the Robinsons stared as the milk flood receded.

"Okay, we're not doing that again." Gwen said sourly.

**Beam-Me-Up Scotties**

"Now, take that one to the goal," Leshawna said, "There ya go."

"Babuu." Bon Bonne said, picking up a cow with both hands. Holding the bovine over his head, the robot-baby-thing marched slowly towards the Scotties' goal.

"Good job motivatin' the wide-load," Bender remarked, walking up. "We might win this stupid challenge yet."

Leshawna grinned at the robot. "I just hope we don't end up breaking some child labor law."

"Speakin' of labor," Bender reached into his chest cabinet, pulled out a cigar, and put it in his mouth. Lighting it, he asked, "This event seems pretty mild compared to what I heard Chris was capable of."

"Honey, don't knock it," Leshawna replied, "I like it when things are mild. When the alternative is jumping sharks and volcanos, I'll take a bunch of cows that say moo any day!"

Over where she was, Lindsay heard Leshawna said. A particular phrase bounced back and forth in her empty head.

_Cows that say moo…_

_Cows that say moo…_

_Say moo…_

_Lisa needs braces…_

_Say moo…_

_Say…_

_Say…_

"Oh my gosh! That's it!" Lindsay exclaimed, "That's what's wrong!"

Leshawna and Bender exchanged looks. They then played a game of rock-paper-scissors. Upon losing to Bender's scissors with her paper, Leshawna sighed and walked over to Lindsay.

"All right, let's hear it," Leshawna said tiredly, "What's wrong?"

"The cows!" Lindsay cried, "They're _saying moo!_"

"Of course they're saying moo," Leshawna groaned, rubbing her forehead. "They're _cows._"

"But cows don't _say _moo!" Lindsay insisted, "They _go _moo!"

If Lindsay had expected that revelation to shock Leshawna, she was severely disappointed. If anything, Leshawna was more amused than stunned.

"So what?" She asked playfully, "These are killer cows from outer space?"

Every cow then began to exchange worried looks. They began to say things that _weren't _moo.

"Crud, they're on to us!"

"Get 'em!"

As one, the cows stood up on their hind legs, creating a visual effect too much like a Gary Larson Far Side comic. Then, just as the Dramanauts were too busy absorbing this new sight, the cows began to riot, in a display of movement that seemed like a combination lynch mob and cattle stampede.

"Siddhartha Buddha!" Owen cried, "The cows are attacking!"

"The _cows _are attacking?" Chiyo shrieked, trying to hysterically avoid being trampled.

"I thought Chris said these cows were from Earth!" Bridgette yelled over the sound of stamping hoofs.

-TDP-

On an observation platform far, far away from the challenge sight Chris and Chef watched the proceedings through high-powered binoculars.

"…Huh." Chris said casually.

"Did you know those cows would do that?" Chef asked.

"Nope," Chris admitted. He glanced at Chef. "Think we should go down and help?"

The two exchanged looks, and then burst out laughing.

-TDP-

The 'War of the Cows' was going as well as any battle between reality show contestants and Killer Cows from Outer Space; not very well at all. Dramanauts that weren't being shoved, beaten and occasionally spat cud on were attempting to fight against the bovine riot scene with the amount of success they were used to.

Very little.

"Eeeek!" Lindsay shrieked, curling up into a frightened little ball on the grass as a cow advanced on her.

"Lindsay!" Tyler cried, and heroically declared, "_I'll _save you!"

The wannabe athlete made a fantastic leap towards the advancing cow…and landed right at its feet- er, hooves. Both Lindsay and cow stared at him.

"Oh, gawd, I think he spat on my hooves," The cow whined, "I'm outta here."

The cow stalked off, clearly offended. After a moment, Lindsay grabbed Tyler's head and hugged it to her chest.

"My hero!"

Elsewhere, a group of cows were surrounding Black Mage, all armed with a variety of cow tools. Despite being in the face of impending pounding, the unrepentant murderer appeared calm.

"You know, I'm kind of glad something like this happened," The guy in the doofy hat said, "I was hungry for hamburger today."

The cows stopped, confused.

"You see, you're not facing another dumb player on another dumb reality show," Black Mage continued coolly, "You face a dark mage, wielder of impure energies. I'm a man who's not only gained dominion over Hell, but have also absorbed the from the most evil thing in the universe…myself."

The cows were starting to look worried. The matter-of-fact way Black Mage was talking in was getting to them.

"So go ahead, come get me," Black Mage shrugged, "It'll be fun."

The cows exchanged frightened glances, sweating. For a moment, it looked like they would back off.

Then Fighter stuck his head in. "Wow, Black Mage, that's incredible! I thought Sarda de-powered you!"

The cows and Black Mage looked at him suddenly. Black Mage, his face hidden in the shadow of his hat, had a look of worry.

"Remember?" Fighter asked, "That uber wizard who was actually the grown-up version of some kid you traumatized took away our abilities when we were Light Warriors? I remember 'cause it turned out he didn't actually have a mustache and became that Chaos guy White Mage and her friends beat up."

The cows exchanged looks with each other before turning back to Black Mage.

"Getting killed here will be worth it-" Black Mage said, "-since I'll be free of Fighter."

Off to the side, Harold pulled out his nunchucks and began to twirl them, trying to fend off cows. And it worked…until his hand slipped and they went flying away into Black Mage's face. Several other cows tried to shove around Bon Bonne, who just stood there, unaffected and confused. Eventually, the cows gave up and left him alone. Cows that began to shove Owen around had better luck, as the big guy's hefty body was also quite squishy and easily pushed…until he let one rip, causing nearby cows to pass out from noxious fumes. Duncan put one cow in a headlock, but the cow quickly tagged out with another cow who then put _Duncan _in a headlock. One cow went after Ashley, who glared at him with glowing red eyes. The cow wisely backed off.

Jim, meanwhile, was having the time of his life. Whipping out his ray gun, he began to fire wildly, shooting beams in random directions.

"Eat dirt, cows!" Jim cackled maniacally.

While Jim's wild fire did burn several cows, his erratic aim also tended to drift towards Dramanauts, resulting in one too many near misses.

"Ahh!" Gwen shrieked, ducking behind a large rock as a bolt of energy zipped right where her head used to be. "Watch where you're pointing that thing!"

"What was that?" Jim asked, looking.

That moment of distraction was all the cows needed. While Jim's attention was diverted, one cow snuck up from behind. Then, putting on a scary mask, he tapped Jim's shoulder.

"Hmm?" Jim turned to look.

"Boogah-boogah." The cow said.

Jim shrieked a little girly shriek, tossing his ray gun by accident. It landed on the outside of the cattle-riot.

"Swell." Gwen groaned, slumping.

Needless to say, it wasn't too long before the cows had completely overwhelmed the Dramanauts.

"Today, the reality show!" One cow yelled, "Tomorrow, _the network!_"

The cows cheered. But then…

"_Yoooodle-eh-ee-hoo!_"

"What was _that?_" the head cow asked.

"_Yoooodle-eh-ee-hoo!_"

DJ pointed. "Look!"

Everyone looked towards where DJ was pointing. On the top of a nearby hill was Izzy, dressed in full cowgirl garb and riding some kind of deformed, rainbow-colored ostrich. Somewhere, music that would fit in a western movie began to play.

Izzy waved her hat in the air. "Yee-haw! Giddalong, ya little doggies!"

Giving her ostrich-thing a swift kick with her heels, Izzy rode down towards the throng, whooping and shrieking insanely. The cows, out of terror, confusion, or perhaps some primal instinct, fled in droves, wailing. By the time Izzy made it to the Dramanauts, they were rapidly vanishing into the horizon. The music stopped.

Hopping down from her mount, Izzy said, "I told you I knew how to deal with cows!"

Getting up, the Dramanauts stared at her.

"That was incredible!" Owen said, and then looked confused. "But where'd you get the costume?"

"And where'd the music come from?" Bridgette asked, looking around.

Izzy pointed. "Dopey helped me!"

Everyone looked and say Dopey trudge in, pushing a spinning wheel and wearing a one-man band outfit. The dwarf was slightly blue in the face as he fell back on the drum, gasping. Just as he began to slip into unconsciousness, there came a loud beeping noise that woke him up.

"What was that?" Izzy asked, looking around.

"_That _was the end of the round," Chris said, walking in on the scene. "The cow-herding event is over, and I gotta say, I'm disappointed. Neither team managed to get a single cow."

"Are you _kidding me?_" Gwen snapped, "Those cows almost killed us! Weren't you _watching?_"

"Yes, yes I was," Chris replied nonplussed, "I'd have thought that a team with super freaks could handle it. Once again, disappointment."

"Oh, I'll show _you _a super freak," Black Mage growled menacingly, "But first…" He turned to Harold and held out nunchucks. "I believe these belong to you."

"Hey, thanks!" As Harold eagerly took the nunchucks, his smile dropped. "You're not going to stab me with a knife, are you?"

"Oh no…" Black Mage assured, reaching into his robes with both hands. "Not _a _knife… Was there an eclipse scheduled for today?"

WHUMP!

"_Moo…_" The cow moaned dizzily.

"Cow!" Courtney yelled, pointing. "We've got a cow, Robinsons win!"

"No way!" Duncan snapped, "It's closer to our goal!"

"But it landed on _our _teammate!"

"Nobody help," Black Mage grunted from somewhere under the cow, "I'm perfectly happy stuck under a cow's butt."

"So what if it landed on your stupid teammate?" Duncan demanded, "It's still near our goal!"

"But it's not _at _your goal, is it?" Courtney shot back.

"That's so bogus!"

"Is not!"

Chiyo stared at the cow. "Shouldn't we help him…?"

Ignoring Chiyo, Courtney turned and asked, "Chris, what do you think?" She had that 'agree with me or else' look in her eyes.

Chris frowned slightly. While he didn't really want to agree with Courtney, he also enjoyed ticking off Duncan. He began to mentally debate which ruling would yield a more entertaining reaction. Just as he came to a decision, Black Mage lifted the cow off him and _threw it _at the Robinsons goal.

"Jeez, it stunk under there!" The murdering psycho gasped.

Chris shrugged. "The winners of the first half of the challenge: The Danger Will Robinsons!"

The Robinsons cheered while the Scotties groaned.

_(Confessional)_

"_I couldn't believe it," Fighter said, "Who knew Black Mage could throw a cow with those weak, noodle-ee wizard arms?"_

_(End Confessional)_

"What do we win?" Shantae asked.

"I'll show you in just a second!" Chris said, "Just follow me to where the second half of the challenge will take place."

As the Dramanauts- some grumbling more than others- followed Chris, Jim was searching through the grass. DJ paused to watch.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"I can't find my ray gun," Jim said, "I know it landed around here somewhere…"

"Yo!" A gruff voice alerted them to Chef's presence behind them. "Chris said to move it!"

"We're looking for Jim's ray gun," DJ explained, "He dropped it..."

"Were you listening?" Chef demanded, "_Move it!_"

Chef Hatchet reached down and grabbed both Jim and DJ by the collars of their shirts (Or in Jim's case, super suit) and hauled them off. After they were gone, Duncan noticed something and bent down…

-TDP-

Chris and Chef led the teams towards another part of the field. There, three long obstacle courses of sorts had been set up. Also nearby was a gigantic box. Occasionally a loud snort could be heard from it, and something inside would rock the box.

"The next half of the challenge is called the Steering Race," Chris explained, "In this race, a representative for each team will ride a cow down one of these three courses. Whoever gets their cow across the finish line at the end will win the challenge for their team."

"What cows?" Bridgette asked, "They all left because Izzy scared them off with her cowgirl routine."

"Hey, it's no problem!" Izzy said, still in her cowgirl costume, and still riding the ostrich. "Thumber wouldn't mind if one of us rode him!"

Luigi stroked his mustache thoughtfully. "Who's Thumper?"

"This guy!" Izzy gave the ostrich an affectionate pat on the head. "He just looooves being rode on! And it's pronounced 'Thum_ber_'."

'Thumber' made an expression that suggested he was having digestive problems.

"Are we really gonna ride an ostrich?" Tyler asked, confused.

"Thankfully, no!" Chris said, "For this event, we've already secured two racing steers bred _just _for this event! Chef?"

Chef Hatchet, now wearing a radiation suit, took a long stick and tapped a button on the giant box with one end. The front side of the box fell open, and out came something truly frightening.

Imagine, if you will, a bull. A big black bull, with horns so sharp on the end that they could puncture steel. Each inch of his body a hardened muscle. Crazed, bloodshot eyes. A nose ring that had a skull ornament.

Now imagine two of these vicious things. That's what the Dramanauts were looking at.

"Meet Melvin and Skeeter," Chris introduced with sadistic glee, "You'll be riding these beaut's down the selected course. Do your best to steer these steers-" Chris chuckled at his joke. Someone had to. "-around the obstacles to the best of your ability. Just don't fall off."

One of the bulls snorted, releasing a short ball of fire. The Dramanauts gulped. DJ and Luigi took a few steps back.

A thought occurred to Harold. "Wait, one? We're only going to ride these monsters once?"

Chris nodded. "Yup. As a reward for winning the first event, the Danger Will Robinsons will choose which of the three courses will be used for the race. We have the Course of Stinging Pain…"

Chris gestured, and the Dramanauts followed his hand towards the courses. The first one looked like an ordinary steeple chase… only the fences were covered spikes that were dripping with a foreboding purple liquid, and the pits were on fire.

"The Course of Bludgeoning Pain…"

The next course had swinging pendulums (Essentially maces) and cannons that shot out spring-loaded punching gloves…all aimed at where the rider would be.

"And the last course…"

The 'last course' was, against all expectations, the least dangerous of the three. It was completely barren of fire, spikes, blunt objects, or any other kind of dangerous obstacles. Only a bunch of giant black cubes were scattered around the course.

"That one!" DJ yelled.

"That one!" Chiyo squeaked, waving her arms.

"We'll take that one!" Luigi affirmed.

"That was quick," Chris hummed, "You've chosen- wait a minute, forgot to turn it on."

Chris pulled out a remote control with a single red button and gave it a press. Immediately, the last course underwent a shocking transformation. Barbed wire sprang out from the ground. Walls of flames ignited. Spinning blades popped out of the cubes. Laser nets that turned on and off activated. Pits appeared in the ground, and were instantly filled with water and piranhas. Cannons wheeled up on either side.

"As I was saying," Chris said, putting the remote away. "You have chosen the Course of Ultimate, Supremely Painful Doom."

Everyone stared in horror at the transformed death course. They then glared at Luigi, DJ, and Chiyo in annoyance.

"Uh, can we choose a different course?" Luigi asked sheepishly.

Chris smirked. "No backsies! Now, I'll give you moment to decide which teammate you want to represent your team in the race."

**Danger Will Robinsons**

"Nice job, guys," Courtney hissed as the Robinsons huddled, "Picking the most dangerous course."

"We didn't know!" DJ protested helplessly.

"So, uh," Tyler began, trying to keep the focus on the matter at hand. "Who's gonna ride the bull?"

"Well, don't look at me," Owen insisted, "I've taken a lot of hits for my team, but I am not getting on that thing."

"It probably wouldn't hold you up anyway," Gwen said good-naturedly. Glancing at the course, she asked, "And if any of you think _I'm _going down that death track, you've got another thing coming."

"Well, we've got to send in _someone,_" Shantae said, "Which one of us has the most experience riding vicious animals through imminent peril?"

"Leave it to me," Harold said boldly, "I once spent a summer at a dude ranch. There's no hoofed animal I can't ride!"

"But what about the deathtraps?" Courtney asked skeptically, "Can you ride that thing _and _dodge them?"

"Yeah, you're skinny as a rail," Tyler pointed out, "It won't take much to mess you up."

"Not a problem," Harold assured, puffing his chest. "I'll dodge them with the inherent agility only someone with my svelte frame could have."

Black Mage rolled his eyes. "Yeah. Svelt. Look, let's be realistic here. There's a very real chance that whoever takes this challenge will die."

"Welcome to the Total Drama series." Gwen muttered.

"Therefore, it would be in our best interests to send in someone whose death will benefit us," Black Mage continued, ignoring her. "I recommend Chiyo."

Chiyo's eyes turned white from shock and her pigtails stood straight up. Everyone else stared at Black Mage in alarm.

"We can claim she's a sacrifice to a dark god," Black Mage explained, "They're quite generous when you sacrifice orphans."

"B-but, I'm not an orphan!" Chiyo wailed, terrified.

"We can fix that. Where do your parents live?"

_(Confessional)_

"_I knew Black Mage was one weird dude," DJ said, "But I didn't know he was insane!"_

_-TDP-_

"_If we lose, I'm voting him off," Shantae said, "It's the only way any of us will be safe."_

_(End Confessional)_

**Beam-Me-Up Scotties**

Meanwhile, the Scotties were having less arguments over who to send in.

"So it's agreed," Heather said, "Izzy's going in."  
Izzy, who was still on Thumber, pumped her arm. "Yes!"

"You sure about this?" Leshawna asked. She took another look at the spinning blades on the Course of Ultimate, Supremely Painful Doom. "I'm all for sending crazy-girl into that nightmare, but can she do it?" Leshawna remembered how Izzy would often blow challenges to sate her inane whims. Would Izzy enjoy the 'certain doom' so much that she would forget to actually finish the race?

Izzy leaned forward and patted Lashawna on the arm. "Re-_lax_, Shawny! Those booby traps won't even touch me," She giggled excitedly. "This is gonna be so _cool!_ Look at all those blades and fire!"

Leshawna was not relieved. "That's what I'm afraid of."

Bridgette decided to make a suggestion. "Why not Fighter? He's wearing armor, after all."

"That is completely true!" Fighter said.

"What? No!" Heather said almost too quickly. "We're not using Fighter. _Anyone _but Fighter."

_(Confessional)_

"_I have an alliance," Heather said firmly, "And there is no way I'm losing it _before _it can be exploited."_

_(End Confessional)_

"Has everyone decided who they want in the race?" Chris asked.

"Yes." The Dramanauts sighed.

"Good," The sadist smirked and said, "And now it's time for _me _to decide whose racing."

"But you said…" Courtney began.

"I wanted to see who you _wanted _to race," Chris explained with a devilish smile, "I never said they would actually be in it. For that, we turn to the Wheel of Drama!"

Chef pushed the 'Wheel of Drama' in on the scene. It looked exactly like the Wheel of Elimination from episode one, except the picture of Ezekiel had been messily crossed out.

Chris gave it a spin. "Our first racing is…Black Mage…" He gave it a second spin. "And…_Heather!_"

Silence reigned. Then, as one, every Dramanaut, except for two, began to cheer.

"I wasn't paying attention," Fighter said to Lindsay, "Why are we cheering?"

-TDP-

In short time, both Black Mage and Heather were sitting on the backs of two terrifying bulls, facing the Course of Ultimate Supremely Painful Doom.

Heather shot a nasty glare at her smiling teammates. "Well? Don't any of you losers want to say something?"

"Better you than us." Duncan said, smirked.

Heather growled. She then noticed that Black Mage was…_smiling. _(Well, his eyes looked like an M under his hat.) "Why're _you _so happy?"

"I'm just eager from the anticipation." Black Mage replied.

"Eager?" Heather repeated, "We're heading into _certain death._"

"And after a lifetime of subjection to immense pain and utter stupidity, death would be a reprieve."

Heather rubbed her chin thoughtfully. He almost had a point.

Almost.

"Before we begin the race, I have one last rule," Chris said, "You see those cannons lined up on other side of the course?"

They did. And the cannons looked very ominous.

"Each team will take on side. Robinsons on the right, Scotties on the left," Chris explained, "And you'll fire them during the race."

"At the other team's rider?" Harold asked.

Chris shrugged. "If ya want."

Luigi raised a hand. "Uh, Chris? I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with shooting iron balls at people."

"Don't worry, Luigi," Chris said, "We aren't using real cannon balls. _Those _are expensive. Our cannons are loaded with rubber balls used for riot suppression. Now, places, everyone!"

Everyone took their places. There was some initial difficulty with Lindsay and Fighter not knowing which way was left. At the starting, the bulls exchanged nasty looks- as if they had _other _ideas for the event- _And _their riders. Behind, far _far _back from the bulls, Chris held up a pistol.

"Okay, ready? Set…" Chris stuck a finger in one ear and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. Confused, Chris pulled the trigger again. And again. Frowning, he yelled to Chef, "You forgot to load the starting gun, dude!"

Chef rolled his eyes. Grumbling, he picked up a small paper bag. Taking out the sandwich and thermos, he then blew into the bag, inflating it to its limit. Spreading out his hands, the bag in one and the other empty, Chef smacked the two together.

POW!

Bucking up, the bulls took off down the course. Or rather, they went down the direction the course was set in. However, neither bull seemed too keen on keeping clear of the many, many traps set up Chris' interns- much to the consternation and terror of their riders.

"Whoa, boy!" Heather shrieked, trying to stay on her bull's back as it galloped. "Sit! Stay! Heel! _Look out! Aahhh!_"

Heather fell back suddenly as a giant sword swung by, just where her head used to be. Unfortunately, she leaned back too much too quickly and began to _fall _back. Desperately, she grabbed hold of the bull's tail- and ended up sitting right where its butt was. She moaned in pain and disgust as the bull's hind legs kicked as it ran. Black Mage lacking Heather's grace and agility, got a sever cutting from the knives. By the time his bull was past the knives, his robes looked more like a pile of blue rags that someone had covered him with while he was sleeping. Piled and dyed red in spots.

By the time Heather managed to climb back onto her bull's back, they were nearing the laser grid. Using coordination and balance gained from learning ballet, Heather successfully avoided getting a fatal blow. Non-fatal blows were the par for the course, naturally.

"_Auugh!_" Heather screeched, her face contorting in pain. "My thighs!" Then a laser singed the top of her scalp. "My _HAIR!_"

Meanwhile, Black Mage's bull was bucking towards one of the many walls of fire placed strategically throughout the course. After an initial panic attack, Black Mage calmed down.

"Wait, why am I worrying?" Black Mage murmured to himself, "If I time my jump right, I'll get clear of the flames just as this stupid cow plows right into it like the stupid man-cow he is. No problem."

However, the man-c- er, bull, had other ideas. Just as it reached the fire, the bull _leaped_- and as it went over the flames, it twirled in the air, giving Black Mage a brief, but undoubtedly searing burn. The bull landed right-side up on the other side of the fire. A completely singed Black Mage sat on its back, utterly shell-shocked.

"How did that happen?" Black Mage moaned before the bull took off again. Then his hat caught on fire. "Gah! I'm burning! _Again!_"

The bull stopped at the edge of one of the pits, the force of which sent Black Mage into the water.

"_Aaaah! Piranha!_" He screamed as the carnivorous fishies mobbed him.

Further ahead, Heather had reached the final stretch of the course- the cannon run. Cannons blasted all around her, pelting the mean girl with as many rubber balls as can be. Heather quickly realized that she was being blasted from _both _sides of the course, which meant…

"You're not supposed to be blasting _me_, you losers!" She screamed at the Scotties.

"Can you blame us?" Duncan shouted back, firing another ball.

"_Yes!_"

Meanwhile, Black Mage, a lone piranha chewing on the point of his hat, came bounding up on his bull. The bull itself had a pained expression on its face, which could be attributed to the several stab marks on its head.

Bon Bonne, seeing him coming, pointed his cannon in that direction. Then, in one smooth motion, picked up his cannon and _flung it _at Black Mage!

"Gah!" Black Mage cried, ducking under the thrown weapon as it sailed just over his head.

The rest of the Scotties, however, began to aim and fire their cannons at Black Mage the normal way. This came as a relief to Heather, who now only had an even dozen cannons to put up with. Of course, now that the flight paths of the rubber balls were no longer centered on a single target, this made the final stretch of the course look like the battlefield of an old war-time cartoon. Balls that were on intersecting flight paths ended up bouncing off each other and back at the other Dramanauts.

"Ow!" Courtney shrieked as one ball smacked into her face, knocking her back.

Gwen, on the cannon to the left of her, snickered at this, until another ball hit her face.

And through it all, Black Mage clung to the back of the bull. Even as multiple balls bounced and rebounded off of him, he didn't flinch.

_(Confessional)_

"_Some jackass wizard once hit me with a _continent,_" Black Mage said, inspecting his nails. "Compared to that, those rubber balls were nothing. Besides, all of my nerves had died from pain-overdose, so I couldn't feel a thing."_

_(End Confessional)_

"Man, that guy's like a rock!" Leshawna commented, watching as Black Mage took another ball to the face without reacting. "What is he, made of iron?" She raised an eyebrow. "And what are you doing?"

Ashley kept adjusting the barrel of her cannon so that it was aimed lower. Once she was done, she said, "Aiming for the bull. Black Mage is tougher than he looks, but cow might not be."

Leshawna brightened. "Good call!"

Leshawna began to lower the aim of her cannon as well. While she worked, she didn't notice that Ashley was smiling. Nor did she notice the odd hand signs Ashley was making. Bridgette, a few cannons down from Ashley, saw the little witch point at Leshawna's cannon.

Leshawna fired, and the ball went rocketing towards Black Mage's bull. However, the bull simply head butted the ball once it got close enough, rather than letting it smack him. The ball sailed away, but not back towards Leshawna. Instead, it nailed Heather right in the rear, sending the already battered girl _flying _forward off her bull.

"Ooh," Leshawna gulped, grimacing. "That was _not _part of the plan."

To add insult to injury, Heather landed face-first in the ground, digging up dirt as she slid towards the finish…stopping just before reaching the line. Moments later, a bull crossed it…Black Mage's.

"First place goes to Black Mage!" Chris declared, "The Robinsons win the challenge!"

The aforementioned team cheered. Black Mage slowly slid off and fell onto the ground. Tyler rushed over and helped Black Mage up.

"You did it, dude!" Tyler whooped, "We won!"

"Oh, good," Black Mage moaned, wincing from the volume of Tyler's voice. "It makes my suffering so much better to know that it helped people I don't like…"

"Yeah! Doesn't it?" Tyler asked, missing the sarcasm.

Black Mage reached for his knife…

"Beam-Me-Up Scotties, I'll be seeing you at the teleporter for the dramatic elimination," Chris said over Tyler's pained scream. He walked over to where Heather was and helped her up. "Heather, since you're being such a good sport about your humiliating loss, I'm giving you immunity for tonight."

Heather shook the dizziness from her head, and wiped the dirt from her face. "_That _is a load off my mind. Now, who should I blame for the 'humiliating loss'?" She growled, glaring at her teammates. "_So many _choices…"

Leshawna gulped, feeling a cold bead of sweat run down her forehead. She didn't have to look to know that several people were glancing at her.

_(Confessional)_

"_Okay, so I messed up," Leshawna admitted, "But it was an accident! Anyway, Lindsay was the one who got those cows started with her crazy talk…though, it wasn't _that _crazy…"_

_-TDP-_

"_Okay, I checked the ball Leshawna hit Heather with," Bridgette said, looking nervous. "And it was completely hollow, while all of the other balls were solid rubber. And Ashley was doing something weird before Leshawna's cannon fired…" Her eyes darted as if she thought someone was in the confessional with her._

_-TDP-_

"_Even if Leshawna _wasn't _responsible for my crash landing, I'd vote her off anyway," Heather said firmly, "I have not forgotten Germany."_

_(End Confessional)_

While the Robinsons whooped it up in the Delux-a-tron again, the Scotties were seated at the teleporter as the dramatic elimination ceremony took place. Several full moons were visible in the clear night sky, but that did not distract from Chris' smirking face. The sadistic host stood right in front of the entrance to the now-active teleporter, a tray full of space rocks on a stand next to him.

"Before we being the grueling distribution of space rocks, I'd like to take a moment to wait a bit longer to increase dramatic tension," Chris said. After a few seconds, he picked one rock. "Okay, since she has immunity, the first rock goes to Heather."

Chris tossed the rock to the mean girl, who was only two-thirds from total mummification. She caught the rock, but winced slightly.

"The next goes to our favorite delinquent, Duncan!" Chris said, tossing the rock. "Then there's Bridgette…

"Bender…

"Ashley…

"Dopey…

"Lindsay…

"Fighter…

"Bon Bonne…"

"Babuu."

Chris picked up the last rock and paused. His eyes drifted from Leshawna, who was looking pretty nervous, to Izzy, who had rolled her eyes into the back of her head. Then back to Leshawna. And then to Izzy again. And then to Dopey, who was still wearing his one-man band outfit.

"You. Drumroll. Now," Chris ordered. Once Dopey had reached the proper tempo, he held up the last rock and said, "…Izzy!"

Dopey smashed two cymbals as Izzy caught the rock, her eyes still rolled back.

Chris jerked a thumb towards the teleporter's center. "Leshawna, time to go."

Leshawna sighed and got up. Walking over to the teleporter, she gave her now ex-teammates one last wave. Once she was in the center of the teleporter, she vanished in a bright burst of light.

"And another Scottie bites the stardust," Chris said, "Is this the start of a disturbing trend? And how long will it last? Find out next time as we turn up the heat, on **TOTAL DRAMA PLANET!**"

**Danger Will Robinsons**

Inside the Delux-a-tron's main room, Gwen, Luigi and Earthworm Jim entered from a nearby door.

"Okay, we've tied up Black Mage and locked him in the closet," Gwen said, dusting off her hands. "How's Tyler?"

"We've removed the blade and bandaged his head," Chiyo explained, "We're checking to see if there's any brain damage."

Tyler sat on the couch, half-lying as everyone stood around him. Ratticus stood before him on a stole.

"Okay, Tyler, just relax and answer these questions, "Ratticus began, "Now, who am I?"

Tyler, a dazed and almost delirious look on his face, said, "You're Ratticus."

"And where are we?" Ratticus asked, pleased.

Still dazed, Tyler answered, "On the Total Drama Planet."

"And who are _you?_"

Now-completely serious, Tyler said, "I'm _Batman._"

"Really?"

Tyler laughed. "Nah, I'm just messin' with ya. Always wanted to say that, though."

"Oh, darn it," Ratticus grumbled. He glanced at Owen and said, "I've always wanted to meet Batman."

Owen nodded sagely. "Me, too."


	4. Chris McLean's Pyramid Scheme

We open up to Chris, relaxing in a beach chair in front of some odd-looking lagoon. Two crescent moons can be seen in the early morning sky behind him.

"Last time, on Total Drama Planet…" He began, "We _cowed_ our Dramanauts into herding some abducted cattle for the event. However, these cows had undergone some changes while living in the alien environment, and weren't_mooved_ at the idea of having human masters again. Afterwards, most hated Dramanauts Heather and Black Mage were chosen to _steer _two bovine around an obstacle course. Heather almost had the win, but a misfired cannonball from Leshawna lost her the challenge. But was it a mistake on Leshawna's part, or was there more wicked witchcraft involved? Watch as we turn up the heat for the Dramanauts right now…on **Total Drama Planet!**"

In the background, sinister monster with tentacles rose out of the water and screeched.

Episode 4: Chris McLean's Pyramid Scheme

Out in the hub, one punk from detention wandered into the adjacent forest, whistling. He looked almost…casual.

But not quite.

_(Confessional)_

_Duncan shrugged. "Yeah, so we lost the last time. But I'm not worried. After all, I managed to get a…consolation prize."_

_(End Confessional)_

Duncan pulled out Jim's ray gun, giving it a twirl in his hands. The handle of the gun had been built for larger hands then his, though, and he almost dropped it. Recovering, he aimed it at a tree and fired.

PA-KOW!

The beam struck the tree dead-on, but that was little comfort to Duncan. The delinquent went flying back, clutching the gun with both hands as he yelled in alarm. After going past the edge of the forest, he let go of the trigger. The beam shut off instantly and he fell, rolling a bit as he crashed into the ground. Once the momentum had ceased, he sat up, groaning. He glanced at the ray gun.

"Man, this thing's got a real kick!" He gasped.

_(Confessional)_

"_I still haven't found my ray gun!" Jim gulped, rubbing his hands anxiously. "What if someone finds it and tries to mess around? Only I have the strength to handle the almighty recoil!"_

_(Confessional)_

Back at the main campsite, Dramanauts were mulling about. Among random activities, Luigi and Harold were playing a game of checkers (Luigi was losing, judging from the amount of pieces Harold captured…), Gwen was drawing something in her sketchbook, Bon Bonne was picking up rocks and trying to assemble a tower that kept falling over, and Courtney was fiddling with her PDA while Ratticus watched from over her shoulder. Lindsay and Shantae, meanwhile, were engaged in a little girl bonding.

"I can't get over how good your hair is," Lindsay gushed as she ran a comb though Shantae's massive pony-tail, "And it's so long and bouncy, it almost feels _alive!_"

Shantae smiled. "Thanks," Looking to the left, she called out, "Hey, Ashley! Do you want some help with _your _hair?"

Ashley, a big leather book with ancient runes and skulls carved on the cover in front of her, said without looking up, "No thanks. I don't have time for girly things like that."

A sinister shadow rose out from one of the pages. Ashley casually pushed it back down without blinking. The two bombshells exchanged looks. The fact that they had seen that shadow come out three times before wasn't as worrying as was the ease with which Ashley dispelled it. Before either of them could comment on it, there came the sound of rockets as lunar landed came down and planted itself in an empty area of the hub. A large window opened up revealing a snack bar-like setting inside…manned by Chef Hatchet.

"Grrruuuub's on!" He bellowed. When no one budged from they were, he whipped out a bull horn. "I _said, _'_**GRUB'S ON!**_'"

The force of Chef's voice shook the Hub, and like scared animals seeking shelter in a storm, the Dramanauts swarmed around his lander. Almost immediately they realized something was wrong. They could smell it.

"Criminy!" Jim cried, "Something smells like prehistoric cheese!"

Gwen gulped, holding back an urge to purge. "That isn't what I think it is, is it?"

Chef shot the Dramanauts a nasty grin. "Some of y'all mentioned that the space bars we been servin' was a little bland-"(Some of the Total Drama teens shot dirty looks at the newbies) "-so from now on, it's gonna be nothin' but home cookin', straight off the grill!"

Hatchet whipped the top off of one pot, revealing a lumpy brown muck, with an occasional talon and tentacle sticking out. The bad smell intensified, causing the Dramanauts to reel back in disgust.

"Babuuu." Bon Bonne moaned, tears pouring from his eyes.

"Tell me about it." DJ said.

"Chef, what is _in _that soup?" Heather

Chef shrugged. "Beats the heck outta me. We made it from somethin' that ate one of our interns, and then it suffered from a heart attack."

Gwen couldn't take it anymore. Ducking out of the camera's view, she let fly with a blast of vomit.

"And y'all better eat up," Chef added, "You'll need it for what Chris has in store for you."

_(Confessional) _

"_One more reason to be grateful I don't have taste buds." Bender said._

_(End confessional)_

"Don't we have any of those ration bars left?" Chiyo asked faintly.

"Just one." Chef said, holding it up.

Faster than he could see, the bar was instantly snatched out of Chef's hand, and a mad brawl started before him. A dust cloud kicked up as every Dramanaut played keep-away with each other over the ration bar. At one point, Dopey crawled out of the battle on his hands and knees, ration bar- still in its wrapper- sticking out of his mouth. Standing up, the dwarf took the bar and held it up triumphantly. But before he could celebrate and eat, a hand shot out of the fight cloud and grabbed Dopey, dragging him back in.

Chef crossed his arms and his typical scowl darkened. "No appreciation!"

_(Confessional)_

"_Chef Hatchet is probably the best cook in the world," Chris said, "He can make _anything _you ask him to. Five star meals, no star meals, you name it. And best of all, any time I need food gruesome enough to make someone hurl their cookies without killing them, he can do it." _

_(End Confessional)_

After their 'meal', the Dramanauts and Chef took off in the Total Drama Shuttle towards their next location on the planet. This turned out to be a vast desert. After landing and being forcibly ejected from the Shuttle, the teams landed before Chris, whom as relaxing on the beach chair from the lagoon. A large umbrella was providing him with shade, and a massive air conditioner was pumping out vast amounts of cold air into his face.

"About time you lot got here," Chris said, standing up. "I was starting to run out of lemonade." He shook an almost empty pitcher to illustrate his point.

"Why'd you dump us in the middle of a sandbox, man?" Tyler asked, dusting sand off of his clothes.

"Technically, we're not in the middle of a sandbox," Chris defended, "More like, at the end of a desert."

Gwen (Who was not enjoying the hot sun) said, "You still haven't told us why we're here."

"Some people believe that the ancient Egyptians had help building their pyramids from aliens," Chris explained, "Therefore, I have dubbed this challenge the Chris McLean Pyramid Scheme."

"We did a pyramid challenge once," Bridgette pointed out, "At the beginning of season 3, remember?"

"Don't worry, this challenge is completely different," Chris assured, "We aren't so strapped for ideas that we have to re-hash old events."

"So what _are _we doing?" Fighter asked.

"I'm getting there, don't interrupt," Chris said, miffed. "You're challenge is to build your very own mini-pyramids. They don't have to be too big, about the size of a house will do."

Everyone stared at Chris, then at their bare surroundings.

"Build pyramids?" Heather asked, "With what? There's _nothing here._"

"I know," Chris admitted, and smiled sadistically. "But, there happens to be a large rock quarry full of stone pieces- on the _other _end of the desert."

The Dramanauts groaned. They were already starting to feel the heat of the desert sun, and Chris' words only made it worse.

"The first team to reach the quarry and complete their pyramid not only wins the challenge, but as a special reward, I'm tossing in a free night of luxury on the Total Drama Space station."

That got their interest. They didn't know what was on the Total Drama Space station that floated up in the planet's orbit, but if Chris was offering it as a prize, than it must have some pretty nice stuff.

"Is it that good?" Ratticus asked.

"Oh yeah, it's the best," Chris said, "Why do you think _I _stay up there?"

_Now _the teams were convinced. However, a lone spoke up over the random comments of satisfaction.

"Let me get this straight," Black Mage said, "You want us to walk across a desert- a hot, sandy desert, full of who knows what horrors- and on the off-chance we don't die from heatstroke or dehydration, you then want us to build a _pyramid_ when we reach the other side?"

Chris gave him a nasty grin. "You'll also want to watch out for sandworms, I'm told."

"Right, right," Black Mage muttered, "And if we accomplish all of that, you'll give the winning team a night in a place that, on your word, would be a dream to spend it in."

"And your point?" Chris asked.

Black Mage looked at the bottom of his robes before saying, "And I suppose you're not going to give us any help?"

"Of course I will," Chris said, and reached behind his back. "Here's a map and compass to help you find your way across the dunes."

Chris tossed a map and compass to each team. DJ caught one, and Heather caught the other. Once unfolded, the map was shown to be a yellow-grey square. At the bottom-left corner was a dot labeled 'Here'. There was another dot on the top-left corner labeled 'There'.

"And I know the sun's going to be a real drain," Chris continued, "So here's a bottle of sun block, SPF 300."

Chris pulled out a small container of lotion and tossed it to Duncan. As the Dramanauts applied and passed the lotion around, he walked over to the Shuttle and climbed the ladder into the cockpit.

"What other supplies do we get?" Bridgette asked. She knew that you needed more than sun block to survive a desert trek.

"Sorry, that's it. Budget couldn't afford more than that. Anyway, I'll meet you at the site," Chris said, and gave them a wave. "Later!"

Chris hopped into the opening to the Shuttle's cockpit, and in a roar of rockets the ship blasted off towards the horizon.

"Great," Gwen groused, "Have I mentioned how much I hate that man?"

"Well, let's get moving." Luigi sighed, adjusting his hat.

Cursing their own fates and Chris', the Dramanauts began to walk, starting across the dunes. Out of all them, the only one not entertaining thoughts of vengeance was Owen.

"C'mon, guys," He said confidently, "We've done deserts before. Remember Egypt? This little hike will be a piece of cake! Heck, it might even be fun!"

_(Confessional)_

_Chris threw his head back and laughed._

_(End Confessional)_

**Danger Will Robinsons**

Once the challenge (and the hike) was underway, Owen had undergone a distinct change of opinion.

"This…is…so…not…fun!" Owen gasped, his tongue lolling as he panted like a dog. He must have lost ten pounds worth of sweat.

The rest of the Robinsons weren't doing any better, though their progress wasn't hampered by a hundred pounds of fat like Owen's was. The heat was especially bad on Ratticus, who was permanently stuck in a fur coat, and Tyler, who was learning new meaning behind the term 'sweat suit'.

Black Mage, forced to hike in the middle of the line that had formed, seemed to be lost in a world of his own. "As I force one foot ahead of the other, I feel the relentless fury of the sun's terrible gaze. Here in among the endless dunes, there is no direction. North, south, east, west…all are lost in the eternal ocean of sand…"

"Black Mage…" Courtney growled, "We've only been walking for two hours. SHUT UP."

At the back of the line, DJ's gaze drifted from Earthworm Jim's back to a random patch of sand. A pair of eyes poked out from that patch…and winked. DJ let out a shriek and charged forward, knocking everyone over.

"DJ!" Courtney cried, "Holy crap, what was _that _all about?"

"There's something in the sand!"

Shantae sat up and shook her head. Her ponytail whipped back and forth as sand was shaken from it. "It was probably a scorpion or a snake."

DJ squeaked. As much as he feared snakes, he had a definite feeling that whatever he saw was _not _a snake.

Harold wiped some sand from the lens of his glasses. "Relax, DJ. The desert environment can't support any life-form bigger than your fist."

"You sure?" Tyler asked, wiping his brow. "Those are some pretty big fists."

Harold nodded sagely. "Yeah. I doubt we'll find anything that can seriously hurt us."

"Don't say that!" Luigi yelled, "You'll jinx us!"

_(Confessional)_

"Every _time someone says something like 'It can't get any worse' or 'That'll never happen' it does!" Luigi explained, "One time, my brother and I were trapped in some dungeon, and he says, 'At least the ceiling isn't lowering down to crush us' when the ceiling starts to do _just that!_"_

_(End Confessional)_

"Can we get this party moving again?" Courtney asked testily, "We're burning daylight, people!"

"Ohhh, don't say burn…" Owen moaned. A rumbling became audible. "I don't think that's me," The ground began to shake. "And _that_ certainly isn't me!"

Harold waved his arms to keep his balance. "There's something' underneath us! Something _big!_"

"Weren't you just saying that there couldn't _be _anything big out here?" Gwen demanded.

"Here it comes!" Luigi yelled, "_Scatter!_"

The Robinsons barely had time to act that when the sand exploded, sending them flying. A giant, subway-train-sized purple tube of meat shot out of the sand before lurching off into the distance. After a moment, the Robinsons got up and stared at it as it vanished into the horizon.

"Well, that could have gone worse." Jim commented, dusting himself off.

"Speaking of worse, what happened to the Scotties?" asked Gwen.

"Oh, yeah," Tyler said, looking around. "Weren't they with us?" While he didn't really care about the entire Scottie _team_, he wondered how Lindsay was handling the desert sun.

"I think we got separated from them a few dunes back." Chiyo said.

**Beam-Me-Up Scotties**

The Scotties weren't enjoying their hike any more than the Robinsons were. At one point, the heat became too much for Heather.

"Ugh, I can't take this!" The mean girl groused, falling to her knees. Looking to her side, she gave this order; "Fighter, carry me."

"Kay."

Everyone else rolled their eyes at Heather's laziness.

_(Confessional)_

"_One advantage about booting Leshawna out is that now no one here can challenge my authority," Heather said smugly, "Duncan might, but he doesn't have the attention span. And Ashley hasn't spoken to _anyone_, so _she's _no problem."_

_(End Confessional)_

However, Heather soon learned just how much heat armor made of metal conducts when Fighter swung her over his shoulders.

"Ow! _Ow!_ _Hot!_" Heather screeched as her bare stomach made contact with Fighter's searing shoulder pad. "_Hooot!_"

Duncan, Bender, and Ashley snickered. Well, Bender and Duncan snickered, Ashley just smiled slightly.

"Hah-cha-TAH! Hah-cha-TAH! Hah-cha-LAH!"

Off to the side, Izzy was doing some kind of weird dance. Her movements seemed to be partly belly dance and partly jitterbug. Everyone stared at her in confusion.

"Um, what are you doing?" Bridgette asked.

"I'm doin' a rain dance to beat the heat!" Izzy explained, whipping her hair back and forth. "Yeah, some old medicine man I met in the outback taught it to me. In a few minutes, we're gonna be _soakin' _wet! Hah-cha-CHA!"

"No, we're not." Ashley said.

"What- Yes, we are." Izzy retorted, "'I'm doin' a dance that'll bring rain!"

"No, you're not."

"Are too."

"Are not."

Izzy typical smile being to drop. "Are _too!_"

"That's not a rain dance, it's a summoning ritual," Ashley said simply, "And you're supposed to say, 'Am too.'"

Izzy bent down, growling like a dog as she advanced on Ashley. To this, Ashley showed no obvious reaction, though her fingers began to twitch and a faint glow began to build up in her eyes. The rest of the Scotties gathered around, except for Dopey. The dwarf was bending over, putting on of his ears to the sand.

Before a fight could ensue, however, Lindsay asked, "Sum-mon-ing?"

Izzy dropped her feral demeanor and stood up. "Yeah, I'm _summoning _rain!"

"No, what you were doing was a ritual to summon a giant monster to slaughter your enemies." Ashley corrected.

Izzy raised an eyebrow. "Really? Cool!"

"Wait, how do you know?" Heather asked, now sitting on the ground. She rubbed her burned tummy.

"I tried the same thing back in Diamond City," Ashley explained, "It worked, but because none of my enemies were present, it attacked everyone in the park."

Izzy's eyes brightened as her grin widened. "_Awesome!_"

Duncan, however, wasn't so enthusiastic. "Back up, what about this monster?"

"Don't worry," Ashley said assured emotionlessly, "I doubt Izzy has the mystical power or training to bring any spawns of hell into being. The most she'll ever get is probably an oversized snake."

Rumble, rumble…

"On an unrelated matter, what do you suppose is causing these tremors?"

The Scotties looked around, trying to figure out where the shaking was coming from. The matter was solved when a large shadow was cast over the area. Bender's eyes telescoped from his eye when he saw what was coming.

"Cheese it!" He yelled.

That was all the warning the Scottie got when the gigantic sandworm burrowed into the sand with all the force of a meteorite impact. Scotties that were not sent flying by the shockwave were subsequently buried in sand. Mere seconds after Duncan dug himself out, something metal landed on his head.

"Ow! Watch it, man!" Duncan growled, glaring at Bender's head.

"Eh, bite my shiny, metal ass," Bender replied, before looking around. "Wherever it is…"

"Over here!" Lindsay said, holding up Bender's torso. It still had the left arm attached, and that hand slipped into the bimbo's pocket and pulled out her wallet, and stuffed it in the chest cabinet. This did not go unnoticed by all…except Lindsay.

**Danger Will Robinsons**

The Robinsons were back to their tired trek across the dunes, walking in a slightly wobbly line. Oddly enough, the one walking last was not Owen, but Tyler. The wannabe jock's track suit was drenched in so much sweat that it was beginning to stick to his skin, increasing the discomfort Tyler felt. His mind wandering, Tyler looked around, trying to see something that would make him think about _anything _but the heat.

To his shock, through the haze, he saw an ice cream booth! Laughing hysterically, Tyler dashed off towards the frozen dairy product repository.

"Just gimme whatever you got that's served coldest!" Tyler said, planting himself on a stool.

"Triple-fudge-swirl okay, man?" A Tyler in a soda jerk costume asked, popping into view.

"Love it!" Tyler replied, not blinking.

The Tyler running the booth reached down and passed a cup full of frozen treat to the Tyler sitting on the stool. Customer-Tyler gladly took a long sip, swallowing the triple-fudge-swirl in a big, brain-freeze-inducing gulp. Staving off the headache, Tyler smiled broadly for a few moments…before sighing sadly.

"Hey, what's wrong, man?" Soda-Jerk Tyler asked, "Is brain-freeze?"

"Nah, that's not it," Tyler explained, "It's just…I wish Lindsay was here. We're always getting put on opposite teams, so we don't get to spend that much time together."

"Does this help?"

Tyler looked up and did a double-take. Instead of a him in soda-jerk uniform, the person running the booth was Lindsay!

"Heck yeah!" Tyler whooped, pulling his girlfriend into a passionate embrace.

A little ways ahead, the rest of the Robinsons watched Tyler.

"Why is Tyler making out with a cactus?" Gwen asked.

**Beam-Me-Up Scotties**

"There! How's that?" Lindsay asked, fitting Bender's head onto his body

However, rather than his original form, Bender now looked like something from a bad drawing. His left leg was on his neck, his right leg was where his other arm should be, the arm in question was in the right leg socket, and his head had been awkwardly screwed into the left leg socket.

Bender, naturally unamused, gave Lindsay a kick in the forehead.

**Danger Will Robinsons**

"Okay, Tyler, just bit down again…" Chiyo said, taking hold.

Tyler, held up by Luigi, bit down on a wrench as Chiyo pulled another needle from his lip. His eyes teared up but he held back the urge to scream in pain as the feeling of the needle leaving his skin tore through his nerves.

"And that's the last one!" Chiyo said triumphantly, holding up the needle like a torch.

"Why were you kissing that cactus, anyway?" Shantae asked, glancing down at the pile of needles at Chiyo's feet.

Tyler spat out the wrench and rubbed his face where the needles had been. "I dunno…" He muttered.

Gwen, watching this exchange from nearby, shook her head. Turning to DJ, she asked, "So, how much further do we have to go?"

DJ, staring at the map, looked a mite squeamish. "I…don't know."

"What do you mean you 'don't know'?" Courtney demanded, walking up. "Give me that."

Courtney snatched the map out of DJ's hands and glared at it. Her eyes narrowed in annoyance. "Oh, for crying out loud!"

"What?" Gwen asked she, Owen and Jim walked up behind her.

"This stupid map doesn't have a scale!" Courtney grumbled, "There's no way to tell how big this stupid sandbox is!"

"So, what's that mean for us?" Owen asked apprehensively.

Gwen sighed. "It _means _we could be wandering out here for days, that's what." It was times like this that made her hate Chris more than usual.

"What!" Owen gasped, "For _days? _But what about Lunch? Or dinner? Or tomorrow morning's breakfast? Or _brunch!_"

Courtney and Gwen rolled their eyes.

_(Confessional)_

"_I don't see why Owen has to make such a big deal about eating," Courtney said snidely, "He can live off his own blubber, if he has too."_

_(End Confessional)_

"Not to worry, my rotund teammate!" Earthworm Jim said encouragingly, "If it comes to it, we can live off of the desert's natural bounty!"

Owen began to calm down. "Re-really?"

"Of course! You may not realize it, but the desert is chock-full of hidden resources!" Jim said, gesturing grandly. "That cactus Tyler was kissing, for example! On the outside, it's nothing more than a provider of needles! But on the inside, one can find water enough to keep us hydrated for a _whole day!_"

"_Awesome!_" Owen whooped, punching the air. "Yeah, let's find some cactuses! _Woo-hoo!_"

"That's the spirit!" Jim yelled, "Now, onward…to _victory!_"

Jim proudly marched off, with Owen eagerly following. They went five paces before DJ called out.

"You're going the wrong way, man!"

**Beam-Me-Up-Scotties**

The Scotties, with Bender back into his original form, were busy climbing an exceptionally tall dune. This was an exceptionally difficult task, as the sand was loose in some spots, causing one or two Scotties to slip and almost fall. Once they reached the top, the Scotties, walking in a line, began to slowly inch their way back down the other side. Unfortunately, (But hilariously) Bridgette, second to last in the line, slipped on a loose patch of sand and went tumbling, crashing into the rest of the team. They all ended up in a tangled heap at the foot of the dune with a crash.

"Sorry…" Bridgette groaned from somewhere between Duncan's arm and Fighter's back.

At the top of the hill, Izzy came sliding down, screaming, "_Dogpile! Yay!_"

CRASH!

"Izzy!"

**Danger Will Robinsons**

"Boy, the wind is really starting to pick up." Ratticus commented.

Chiyo, the closest to the enhanced rat in height, nodded. She would have stated her agreement verbally, but the last time she spoke her mouth was filled with sand. They and the rest of the team were also squinting to prevent a similar event from happening to their eyes…with varying degrees of success.

"Ow!" Harold groaned, and took off his glasses to wipe his eyes. "How does it keep getting under the- Ugh,_pah!_"

Black Mage snickered as Harold tried to spit out wind-blown sand. However, his amusement was cut short as Shantae's ponytail whipped out and struck him upside his head.

"Geh! Quit it!" The murderous one growled, shooting the genie-girl a nasty look.

"Sorry," Shantae apologized, "It's just all this wind."

Shantae wasn't kidding. Like a flag caught in a hurricane, her ponytail was whipping out and about, looking like a convulsing snake.

"Well, it can't get any worse than this!" Owen gulped, wincing as a tumble weed bounced off his head.

A faint rumble filled the air, slowly becoming louder by the second.

"Could you speak a little _louder?_" Gwen asked sarcastically, "I don't think anyone heard you!"

Luigi began to look around, trying to find the source of the ever-growing rumbling. His eyes widened as he found it.

"Run for it! We got trouble!" the green-clad plumber yelled, running off.

"What is it?" Tyler asked as the rest of the Robinsons followed, "A sandworm?"

"The sandworm's _back!_" DJ cried in alarm.

"It's not the sandworm!" Luigi replied over the howling winds, "It's something much, much worse!"

Gwen, against her better judgment, looked back over her shoulder to see what the Robinsons were supposed to be fleeing from. To her shock, she saw a gigantic funnel-shaped mass of rushing winds heading hot on their heels.

"A _tornado!_" The goth screamed, "We're running from a tornado!"

"Aunty Em!" Ratticus wailed, "Aunty Em!"

"Where did it come from!" Courtney shrieked, "_Where!_"

-TDP-

"Ugh, this heat is murder," Chris sighed, resting on a beach recliner. "I tell ya, if it wasn't for this airco machine, I would've just died."

Directly behind Chris was a giant air condition, about the size of a car. It had the words 'ICE AGE GENERATOR'. Its vent power had been set to Full Blast, and any cold air not being absorbed by the narcissistic host was slowly drifting out into the desert, becoming tiny cyclones.

**Danger Will Robinsons**

Despite the Robinsons best efforts at fleeing, the tornado easily caught up with them. One by one, they were scooped up by the high-velocity winds, though it took Owen a few more minutes to be swallowed by the tornado. Screaming, the Robinsons tumbled throughout the tornado.

But all was not lost! Earthworm Jim, quickly overcoming his initial panic, reached into his pocket and whipped out his Pocket Rocket. Seating himself, Jim pulled the rope-starter on the engine, taking a more controlled form of flight. He began to fly around the cyclone, grabbing onto his teammates and pulling them out from the winds. Once he was done, he landed the Pocket Rocket down on the sands far from where the tornado was (And, more importantly, where it was _going_) and gently dropped his rescue-ees from his hand.

"There we go, safe and sound!" Jim declared, dusting his hands.

Behind the mutant worm, Black Mage landed into the sand with a great thud. The rest of the Robinsons were too busy staring at Jim to give the psycho a passing glance. Or, to be more precise, they were staring at Jim's Pocket Rocket.

"Jim… how long have you had that with you?" Chiyo asked, pointing at the Rocket.

"Hm? This?" Jim gave his ride an absent-minded glance. "The whole time. Why?"

"Why- I- That…" Courtney sputtered, trying to reorganize her thoughts. "You had that all along and you didn't think of flying us out of this miserable dust bowl? We could have gotten to Chris by now!"

"I couldn't possibly do that!" Jim protested, "We're supposed to _walk _across the desert to Chris! Using my Pocket- Rocket would be _cheating!_"

"Ugh, my innards…" Black Mage moaned.

"We're lost in the desert, and you're worried about _fair play?_" Shantae asked incredulously.

"You're supposed to be a super hero!" DJ cried, "Wouldn't saving us from starvation, dehydration, and heatstroke be more heroic than not cheating? Seriously, man!"

"Help us, Earthworm Jim!" Owen wailed, clutching his stomach. "You're our only hope!"

Jim looked as if someone had splashed him with cold water. "By the nails of Gaeman! _What _was I thinking! I was so caught up in the game, that I completely lost sight of what was truly important! _You!_ My beloved comrades-" He pulled Tyler and Harold into a hug. "-with whom I share a special bond!"

"Erg- It's cool, man!" Tyler gasped as he felt his rib cage being crushed.

"You can let us down…" Harold groaned.

Jim, though technically ignoring their words, dropped the two crushed and pointed into the air. "I now know what I must do!" He started the engine of the Rocket again.

Black Mage howled in pain as the flames roasted him.

"Yay!" The Robinsons minus Black Mage cheered.

"Wait here, my stalwart comrades!" Jim declared, "I'll return in short while!"

Their cheers trailed off as Jim rocketed high into the air, quickly vanishing from sight. A great silence followed as the Robinsons stared up at the sky.

The quiet was broken by (Who else) Courtney, who yelled, "Come back here, you idiot! _**Take us with you!**_"

**Beam-Me-Up Scotties**

Lindsay looked around suddenly. "Did you guys hear something?"

**Danger Will Robinsons**

"Great, just great," Courtney huffed, "Our one chance of clearing this stupid desert, and he bails on us. Now what do we do?"

"Do you think if we wait long enough, Chris'll send a search party?"Chiyo asked.

The Total Drama teen members of the Robinsons laughed. It was a not a happy laugh, but the laugh of one who's figured out that the end is not only nigh, but ironic.

Gwen wiped a tear from her eye. "Heh heh…oh, I needed that."

"Let's get moving," Courtney sighed, reaching into her pocket. "Where's the map?"

Everyone looked to DJ. The athletic animal lover began to pat his pockets with growing desperation.

"Don't tell me. You lost it." Luigi groaned.

"It's not my fault!" DJ gulped, "It must've gotten thrown clear when we were in that tornado!"

Courtney scrunched up her face as she tried to hold in a tantrum. Smiling a bit too sweetly, she said, "Luckily, I remember what the map looks like and where we need to go. All we have to do keep going north-east…" she pulled out the compass.

It had been broken, crushed to pieces. Everyone stared at it.

"Today's the day that keeps on giving." Gwen moaned.

**Beam-Me-Up Scotties**

"Okay, I'm taking the lead," Duncan said, walking up to Heather. "We're getting nowhere with you in charge."

"And what makes you say that?" Heather demanded, holding the map and compass out of reach.

"Cuz we've passed that cactus three times!" Duncan snapped, reaching out for the map and compass. Bon Bonne walked over to cactus in question. Sure enough, it had 'D+G' carved in-between the needles…followed by a skull.

"Get away from me!" Heather snarled.

"We're walking in circles!" Duncan insisted as he and Heather fought over the tools.

"I thought we were walking in a desert." Fighter said.

"Maybe it's a _circular_ desert." Lindsay suggested.

"That is completely logical!"

"Shut it!" Duncan and Heather snapped.

"Look, we're all a little edgy from the heat," Bridgette said, putting herself between Duncan and Heather. "Why don't we just take a break and get our bearings."

Though their faces suggested that they'd rather fight, Duncan and Heather settled down, glaring at the sand. The rest of the Scotties quickly gathered around, glad to take a break.

"Any idea of how far we have to go?" Bender asked.

Bridgette sighed. "The map doesn't have a scale, so there's no way to know."

"This stupid scrap doesn't even qualify as a map," Duncan grumbled, having snatched it from Heather when she wasn't looking. "Heck, I'll bet Chris just grabbed some kid's art project to save time."

"Don't say that," Lindsay whimpered, "What if we get lost in the desert and never escape?"

"In case you haven't noticed, we _are _lost." Duncan growled.

Izzy looked off into the distance and brightened. "Ooh, the sandworm's coming back! Maybe _he _can give us directions!"

"Wha-"

The sandworm impacted before Bridgette could finish her sentence.

_(Confessional)_

"_Yeah, so while we were walking, I practiced my monster-call dance," Izzy explained, "It's gonna be such a hit at New Years!"_

_(End Confessional)_

"Argh!" Heather snarled, pulling her head out of the sand. "Why does this sort of thing has to happen to _us?_"

Off in the distance, the sandworm popped out of the ground. After a moment of suggestive wriggling, it began to increase in size.

"It's coming back!" Bridgette yelled.

Not wanting to be in the zero range of another sandworm assault, the Scotties scattered like scared rabbits.

Except for Ashley. She stood her ground, staring impassively at the approaching invertebrate. Behind her, Red tugged at her dress, making pleading motions for her to get away.

"No." She said, holding out her hand. Her eyes glowed.

**Danger Will Robinsons**

"We are not eating Owen!" Luigi groaned, covering his eyes.

"All I'm asking is why haven't we harvested the juicy meats his rotund body has?" Black Mage asked, gesturing to Owen.

The big eater had fallen into a crawl, trembling with every movement.

"Must…find…cacti…" He moaned, his eyes glazed over. "Must…harvest…nature…"

"It's not like he's going to last any longer," Black Mage continued, "We should take eat him before he sweats most of his nutrients out."

"The cactus is a lie!" Owen cried.

**Beam-Me-Up Scotties**

The Scotties were once again traversing the desert towards the quarry Chris had set up. Their progress was now much swifter, however, due to two factors: 1), they were no long arguing over who was leading them in circles, and 2) they were now riding the sandworm. The latter factor was not something the Scotties were particularly happy with, as their current mode of transportation brought up some disturbing implications. While Ashley sat up front near the front head of the worm Indian-style, the rest of the team crouched behind her

"How did you get the worm to stop attacking us?"Heather asked.

"Yeah, this thing just froze to a stop," Duncan said, "What'd you do, use mind-control or something?"

"Probably hypnosis." Bender commented.

"I didn't see any hippos…" Lindsay mused.

Deciding to ignore Lindsay's latest display of air-headedness, Duncan looked ahead and called, "So, c'mon, Ashley. Spill!"

There came no answer.

"Hey, you awake up there?" Duncan asked.

"…Zzzzz…"

"Guess not." Bender commented.

_(Confessional)_

"_I wasn't actually asleep," Ashley said, "But I was tired from the heat, and I didn't want to explain my vaguely defined occult powers to those losers. Especially Bridgette…she's been watching me a bit too closely lately."_

_-TDP-_

"_The way Ashley stopped that sandworm from killing us really freaked me out," Bridgette commented, "I mean, I'm all for 'communing with nature' and connect with the animals, but what Ashley did seemed really unnatural…and disturbing."_

_(End Confessional)_

At the quarry, Chris watched as Chef cooked some food on shish-ka-bobs over a grill.

"You almost done?" Chris asked, "I'm starvin' here!"

"You just stay put," Chef grumbled, "You can't rush an art, and…"

A rumbling cut Chef off. Looking, Chris and Chef stared in shock as the sandworm slowed to a stop in front of the quarry.

As the Scotties hopped off the worm's back, Bender said, "Stay clear of the closing jaws!"

Ashley was the last one down. She turned and waved the worm off. "Leave."

The sandworm quickly burrowed into the sand. A few minutes after it left, Chris managed to regain his voice.

"Well, that was…different."

Chef nodded. He also noticed that his shish-ka-bob was on fire.

Ashley looked around. "Are we the first ones here?"

Chris smirked. "You got it. Congratulations, Scotties! As the first team to arrive, you get first dibs on the water cooler!"

A few yards away was a half-empty water cooler. Its half-empty natured could be explained by the leak on its side.

"I suggest you get started on your pyramid before the Robinsons show up," Chris said, "You haven't forgotten about that part, have you?"

"Not for lack of trying." Bender remarked.

"Well, you better remember before the Robinsons show up," Chris said, "Wouldn't want to waste this lead you've gained, would ya?"

"Done!"

Everyone turned to Fighter in surprise. The thick-headed warrior was spinning in place; his body bent over, one foot on the ground while the other leg was sticking out behind him, and his arms spread out.

"You're supposed to make a _pyramid_," Chris corrected, stunned. "Not a _pirouette._"

"Oh."

In short time, the Scotties had collected plenty of large rocks, most of them gatherer by Bon Bonne, and were beginning to begin on the base of their pyramid.

"Hey, Chris," Bridgette called out, "What if the Robinsons don't show up?"

"If they're not here when you guys finish, I'll send a search party out," Chris said assuredly, "Unless, one of you wants to go out right now and look for them?"

Before Bridgette could reply, Duncan leaned over and clapped a hand over her mouth.

"We're fine!" He said, and to Bridgette hissed, "Get to work!"

Bridgette took his hand off and glared. "Your girlfriend's on the other team, remember? Aren't _you _worried?"

"A bit," Duncan shrugged, "But Gwen can take of herself. I bet she's on her way here with the others right now."

**Danger Will Robinsons**

"We're going die," Gwen said, sitting in the sand. "We're going to freaking die. Our bodies will decay, get eaten by sandworms, and whatever's left will be buried under the said until their discovered by archeologists doing a desert survey!"

While most of the Robinsons were also in similar states of depression or exhaustion, Courtney, Luigi, Black Mage and Harold were trying to figure out what to do next.

"I'm telling you, I can build an extra compass easily!" Harold insisted, "All I need is a magnet, a cup full of water, and a needle!"

"We don't have _any _those things, Harold!" Courtney snapped, "Any water we had was drunk by Owen!"

"Which is one more reason to cut fat boy open and feast on his innards," Black Mage said, "We can build a compass from what's left."

"We're not killing Owen!" Courtney, Luigi, and Harold yelled.

"Why not?" Black Mage demanded.

"Because it's depraved, it's disgusting," Courtney counted off on her fingers, "And Owen's probably more full of gas than meat!"

"Point."

"I still say we should try using the sun to navigate," Luigi said, "Even if it doesn't go the same way as Earth's sun does, it's better than sitting here."

While the four debated, discussed, argued and whatnot, Owen, still lying face down in the sand, felt his nose twitch. It twitched again. There was something in it. It was something faint, subtle, elusive and yet…familiar…and wanted. Something _so _very wanted.

Owen stood up, his eyes open and unblinking. "Roast chicken…"

Everyone looked at him.

"What'd you say?" Shantae asked.

"Cheese ball, medium…" Owen murmured, in a world of his own. "

The Robinsons looked around, trying to see what Owen was talking about.

"Oh, great," Gwen groaned, "Now _he's _hallucinating…"

"_**BARBECUE!**_" Owen screamed, running.

"Owen, stop!" Tyler yelled, "You'll just end up kissing a cactus like me!"

"After him!" DJ yelled.

**Beam-Me-Up Scotties**

At the quarry, the Scotties were about half-done with their pyramid. The ease with which they had made their current progress was attributed to Bon Bonne, whose great strength proved to be a valuable asset in moving rocks. Everyone else was armed with the provided tools, chipping the stones into appropriate shapes.

Everyone except for Heather. "Hurry it up, people!" she urged, clapping her hands. "We need to get this thing finished before the other team gets here, so move it!"

"You're not doing anything." Ashley pointed out, holding a wooden staff with a red gem on the end. She tapped a block, and it rose into the air, fitting into an empty space on the structure.

"I'm supervising," Heather explained smugly, "Someone has to keep you losers in line, and it might as well be me."

Heather then felt a soft thump behind her. Turning around, she saw that Bon Bonne was stealthier than his large size suggested, having crept up behind without her notice.

"What are _you _doing?" She demanded, "Did I say you could take a break? Get back to work, you oversized…baby-thing! Or else!"

Heather then learned that you shouldn't say 'or else' to anything bigger than you. Bon Bonne took hold of the snobby girl with one hand, turned her upside-down, and firmly planted her into the ground. That got some applause from the Scotties.

"Okay, I'm done with brick number 257 and…" Fighter trailed off when he saw Heather's position. "Heather, we're supposed to be working. Playing in the sand does not show team spirit."

Heather kicked her legs furiously, her comments muffled by the sand. Good thing too, saved the audio team the job of bleeping it.

"Leave Heather alone, Fighter," Duncan grinned, "She's _supervising_, after all."

"Oh, okay." Fighter went back to what he was doing.

At this moment, Chris strolled by, a shish-ka-bob meal in hand.

"Lookin' good, Scotties," The host commented, "Even if the Robinsons do show up, I doubt they could build their pyramid before you finish yours."

Lindsay looked up from the one large block she was attempting to lift. "They're not here yet? What about Tyler?"

"Since he's part of the Danger Will team, I don't think he'll arrive any sooner than they would," Chris said, and took a bite of some meat on the shish-ka-bob. "Mm-mmm! This is good stuff, Chef!"

Rumble, rumble…

"What now?" Chris groaned, "Another worm?"

Chris looked to the desert, and blanched. Heading directly for him was what looked like a giant dust cloud, a rampaging, multi-headed beast's silhouette planted firmly in the center.

"_Gah!_" Chris cried, and cringed as the thing sped up before him. Instead of the collision he had been expecting, a loud crunch was heard. Confused, Chris opened his eyes. Right in front of him wasn't a crazed desert monster, but Owen, having bitten off the end of the shish-ka-bob from the handle, skewer and all. Clinging on to him was the rest of the Danger Will Robinsons. Everyone stared at the newly arrived Dramanauts. Ashley summed up their feelings with three words.

"That was unexpected." The scepter in her hand turned into Red, who nodded, flummoxed.

Tyler was the first Robinson to let go of Owen, and staggered around as he tried to get his bearings.

"Tyler! You made it!" Lindsay squealed, and rushed up to hug her boyfriend. "Did you have fun in the desert?"

Tyler, still somewhat dazed from his ride on Owen's sweat-drenched shirt, said, "I like ice cream uniforms…"

"You do?" Lindsay asked, confused. "Well, some _are _pretty cute…"

Meanwhile, the rest of the Robinsons were coming to terms that they had finally arrived. Letting go of Owen, they worked out the cramps in their finger joints.

"I suppose we lost, right?" Courtney asked wearily.

"Actually, the Scotties are only half-done with their pyramid," Chris said, and smirked. "If you hurry, you _might _be able to tie with them…"

Though Chris was only joking (He loved dishing out false hope), his words lit a fire under Courtney, who quickly snapped to attention and began barking orders like a drill seargent.

"Okay, team! You heard the man!" The ex-CIT yelled, "We've got a pyramid to build, and by god, we're going to build it!"

"And you think we can build twice as fast as the Scotties?" Luigi asked.

"Well, maybe Courtney's got something…we do have more people…" Harold considered.

"Speaking of which," Chris said, "Aren't you missing someone?"

"Where's Jim?" Fighter asked.

"The 'mighty superhero' went flying off on his rocket," Gwen said bitterly, "Stranding us in the desert!"

"Rocket?" Chris asked, "What rocket?"

"The one he kept in his pocket," DJ answered, "Dude just took off without us. Could be anywhere!"

There was suddenly a rush of thrusters being fired and everyone watched as the worm of the hour fly in, holding something very large up in one of his powerful arms.

"I have returned!" Jim announced.

Chris gave DJ a look. "Anywhere, huh?"

DJ rolled his eyes sheepishly. "Right here is anywhere!"

Jim, still holding his load aloft, hopped off of his Pocket Rocket. "I've been looking everywhere for you guys! You should know better than to wander off without your teammate."

The Robinsons glared at Jim. Black Mage pulled out his knife and lurched forward, murder in his eyes. He was stopped from carrying out the terrible deed by Courtney, who knocked him down as she stormed up to Jim.

"_We _should know better? What about you!" She yelled, "_You _were the one who abandoned us! And for what? What was so important that you had to leave us _stranded _in the _desert!_" She glanced at the thing Jim held. "And what's that?"

Grinning smugly, Jim set his load down on the ground. It was a white van with a giant plastic ice cream cone lying on the top. On its side were pictures of numerous types of frozen dairy products.

"Oh, only the answer to all your questions," Jim explained as everyone stared, awe-struck. "So, who's hungry…?"

Jim barely had time to process the blurs that zipped past him. He looked to the ice cream truck and saw the rest of the Robinsons gorging themselves on the ice cream treats inside.

"Brain freeze…never felt so good!" Owen moaned, crying tears of joy as he stuffed three fudgesicles into his mouth.

Tyler polished off a Snoopy bar, saying, "Man! Real ice cream tastes even _better _than the kind mirages serve!"

Chris walked up and cleared his throat. "Y'know, I _could _bust you guys for having a teammate go out of bounds…"

"Um, Chris-_san_?"

Chris looked down at Chiyo, who was looking up at him earnestly. She was holding up an untouched cone of vanilla soft-serve.

"Would you like some?" The Japanese underage college student asked, almost whimpering.

Chris rubbed his chin, considered, and bent down. "…but, that would be unnecessarily and uncharacteristically cruel!" He finished, taking the ice cream and rubbing Chiyo's head.

_(Confessional)_

"_Who's he kidding?" Duncan snorted, "Unnecessary cruelty is _all _he is."_

_(End confessional)_

Jim rubbed his hands together. "Enough of this drama, time for action! We've got a pyramid to build!"

Earthworm Jim rushed into the quarry, coming back with an armload of rock the size of a small mountain. Dumping the pile onto the ground, Jim ran up to Bender.

"If I may…?" Jim asked politely.

"Uh, sure…" Bender said, staring at the giant rock pile Jim had assembled. He didn't even look as Jim took the hammer and chisel from his hands.

"Eat dirt, load of assorted stones!" Jim yelled, diving into the pile. Cackling wildly, he began to chip at the rocks with such fervor that a dust cloud appeared and hid his progress.

Everyone stared at this sudden display of lightning-fast construction. Even the Robinsons slowed their power-eating to watch.

"…Wow." Bridgette said at last.

"Yeah." Duncan agreed. Quickly snapping out of it, he yelled, "Hey, what are we doing? We can't let that maniac beat us! Someone pull Heather out and tell her to help, really help!"

And so, the Scotties quickly got back to work. It became a mad race as the team worked frantically to keep ahead of Jim's progress. The rest of the Robinsons watched the race from the cool and refreshing ice cream truck.

"You know, we should help." Courtney said, staring at Jim's dust cloud.

"If you wanna get near that, I won't stop you," Luigi said, pointing at the frenzy Jim was in. "Ice cream sandwich?"

Luigi didn't understand why Courtney started to vomit like she did.

_(Confessional)_

"_Okay, I know I should feel a bit sorry for her, but Courtney _did _get me booted off in season 3." Gwen said, snickering._

_(End confessional)_

The dust cloud cleared to show that Jim's pyramid was almost complete, save the point at the top.

"Just one more piece to add and victory will be ours," Jim commented, holding the point in his hands. "The only thing that could ruin our chances of winning now would be if one of my arch-enemies showing up to inconvenience me."

It was at that moment that something fell from the sky and landed in the sand. It was a pot-bellied figure with black feathery arms in a yellow space suit, with a clear glass bubble where the helmet was, containing a shriveled black, vaguely bird-like head. In one of his hands was what looked like a weird gun with a flaming fish hook sticking out of the barrel.

"Earthworm Jim!" The intruder yelled, "I have come to destroy you, et cetera, et cetera!"

"Egads!" Jim cried, dropping the point. "It's my arch-nemesis, Psy-Crow! What an inconvenience!"

Jim slid down from the top of his pyramid, and reached into his holster. He whipped out…nothing, and began to twitch his finger as if pulling a trigger. It took Jim a few moments to realize that he was 'shooting' blanks.

"Oh, that's right," The wormy superhero chuckled sheepishly, "Still haven't found my ray gun…"

Psy-Crow pointed his 'hook-gun' and fired, blasting the sand as Jim dived out of his sights. Everyone watched as Jim did a frantic dance across the sands, dodging Psy-Crow's shots. A considerable distance away, Chris and Chef watched the mayhem unfold.

"Nothing like a little unexpected violence to pump the ratings, huh?" Chris asked, nudging Chef. "Now, go see if you can make crow-man sign a waiver so we can show this footage."

Chef grumbled, picking up a pen and pad of legal paper.

Back at the scene of the battle, it became apparent to the Robinsons, still hiding in the ice cream truck, that Jim would need help winning the challenge…as well as chasing Psy-Crow off.

"We've got to do something!" DJ cried.

"But what?" Chiyo squeaked.

"Luigi, you, Tyler and I should go help Jim," Shantae yelled, standing up. "Everyone else, try to finish the pyramid! We only have to put in one more piece!"

The Robinsons quickly stood to attention- only to bend over as their stomachs made volcanic noises.

"Guh…maybe devouring six pounds of ice cream was a mistake…" Gwen groaned.

Meanwhile, Jim's 'incredible leaping skills' couldn't keep him out of danger forever. He tripped and fell down as the last show brushed his foot. Looking up, he saw Psy-Crow looming over him, hook-gun readied and aimed.

"Game over, worm," Psy-Crow taunted, and looked around. "If only there was some way to add insult to impending doom. Something _else _I can destroy while I'm here…"

Hearing this, Ratticus gasped and yelled, "No! Don't hurt our pyramid!"

Psy-Crow looked away from the waiver he was signing for Chef. "Heh?"

"Please don't do anything to the pyramid Jim built!" Ratticus begged, "Our team would lose the event, and make everything Jim did up till now completely pointless!"

Psy-Crow. "I was just gonna write something rude on Jim's body, but hey, that works too."

With that, Psy-Crow pointed his hook-gun at the almost-completed Pyramid that he had spotted Jim on.

BOOM!

Everyone, the Robinsons in particular, watched as Jim's pyramid exploded in blast of gravel.

"That's a nice explosion, there." Psy-Crow commented.

Chef nodded.

"My pyramid! The fruits of my labors!" Jim exclaimed, "Gone! In an instant! Oh, the horror!"

"Way to go, Ratticus." Gwen said sarcastically.

"It's not my fault!" Ratticus protested, "I told him not to!"

Psy-Crow, meanwhile, was getting a autograph from Chef. ("Just make it out 'to my biggest fan'.") Feeling a tap on his shoulder, he turned around and saw Jim's angry face.

"Eh-heh…this is the part where I get hurt, right?" Psy-Crow asked nervously.

Jim's reply was succinct, effective, and had the added bonus of sending Psy-Crow flying into the sky. Just as Jim dusted his hands off, Bridgette's voice filled the air.

"Done!"

Everyone looked at the Scotties pyramid, which had just been completed. Dopey was on the top, his arms wrapped around the point as the rest of the team was relaxing at the pyramid's base. Except Izzy, she was balancing the hammers and chisels on her nose.

"Well, that looks like a job well done to me," Chris said, walking up. "The winners of the Pyramid Scheme are the Beam-Me-Up Scotties! When we get back to the hub, you guys prepare for a wicked night of luxury on the Total Drama Space Station!"

The Scotties cheered.

"That's not fair!" Courtney protested, "We _had _pyramid a few minutes ago!"

"You had an _incomplete _pyramid a few minutes ago," Chris corrected, "If it doesn't have the point on top, it doesn't count. Better think hard about who you're votin' off, 'cause by the time we get back, we're havin' the ceremony."

Robinsons grumbled, shooting dark looks at Ratticus.

_(Confessional)_

"_I don't see why everyone thinks it's my fault," Ratticus said, "I mean, I'm not the one who stranded us in the desert and let a dangerous super villain onto the set."_

_-TDP-_

"_And so we lost the challenge," Owen sighed, "But, we gained something the Scotties would never hope to understand…free ice cream!" The big guy pumped his arms, and bent over, groaning as his stomach gurgled. "Ohh…does _this _confessional count as a potty too?"_

_(End Confessional)_

Back at the hub, night had fallen. The Scotties had already been teleported to the Total Drama Station, and the Robinsons were seated in the stands before the Transporter. Before them was Chris, a tray of space rocks on a stand next to him.

"I have only eleven of these space rocks with me," Chris said, "If you do not receive a rock, that means you have been eliminated from the competition, and must leave the planet. _Forever._ Luigi…" He began to toss the rocks. "Gwen…

"Tyler…

"Chiyo…

"Owen…

"Courtney…

"Shantae…

"Black Mage…

"Harold…

"DJ…" Chris paused. "Jim, you not only left your teammates stranded out in the desert, but you lured a dangerous space monster into their vicinity. Granted, you got rid of the monster, but not before ruining your chances for victory. But you, Ratticus, told the space monster _how _ruin their victory. Really, that was stupid, man. I'm actually tempted to give neither of you this last rock."

There was a very pregnant pause as Chris let his words sink in. Both Jim and Ratticus were staring at him with puppy-dog eyes. Jim rubbed his chin thoughtfully. Finally, he gave the last rock a toss.

"Jim."

Jim eagerly caught the rock. "Yes!" His smile fell when he realized he had crushed the rock into dust.

"You're out, Ratty," Chris said, jerking a thump at the transporter. "Beam Of Defeat, that way."

"But…but…" Ratticus looked for support from the Robinsons.

"Sorry, little buddy." Owen apologized, "You heard the man."

"Aww…" Ratticus slumped over and walked sadly into the Transporter. "The Phanthom's gonna be upset when he finds out that I didn't win the million…"

As Ratticus vanished in a burst of light, Chiyo looked up at DJ and asked, "What's a 'phanthom'?"

DJ shrugged.

"Well, that's all," Chris said, "See ya next time, Robinsons."

"Wait a minute, Chris," Courtney said, holding up her hand. "I have a question."

Chris rolled his eyes. "Oy, what now?"

"Since the Scotties won't be back until tomorrow, is it all right if we spend tonight in the Delux-o-tron? Please?" Courtney asked, smiling sweetly. Tyler, Shantae, Chiyo and DJ gathered around her, also smiling.

Chris thought about it. Grinning, he said, "Sorry. Losers in the rat hole!"

Groaning, the Robinsons trooped off away from the Transporter. Chris watched them go with a content smile on his face. That dropped when a space rock nailed him on the head.

"Ow! Geez, man!" Chris grunted, rubbing the sore spot. Remembering that the camera was still on, he smiled and faced it. "Who will be the next one to leave the planet? Why didn't Ashley sabotage her team this time? And will I figure out which Robinson threw that? All these questions possibly answered next time, on **Total…Drama…Planet!**"

-TDP-

On a table marked 'Reserved for Chris' a pair of robotic hands massaged Ashley's back. The little witch had a rare, very faint smile on her face.

"This is why." She said.

(A/N: TemhotaTech. I already have most of the challenges and areas thought up, but if you have any ideas about environments and the like, don't hesitate to put them in your reviews. Sorry about not responding right away. I had to think about it.

Read, review, enjoy!)


	5. LaGoon Squad

Chris was sitting in an arm chair in a well-furnished room. Right next to him was a window showing space.

"Last time, on Total Drama Planet," Chris began, "Our brave Dramanauts were forced to make like Lawrence of Arabia and endure the searing desert, racing to a pyramid-build on the other side. The Scotties' progress was hampered by the occasional sandworm attack, which still left them better off than the Robinsons, who were struck by a tornado. Earthworm Jimproved his worth as a super hero when his arch-enemy Psy-Crow attacked, but not before Ratticus told the invading space fiend how to destroy the team's victory. While the Scotties enjoyed a well-earned break, the Robinsons sent one enhanced rodent back to his 'phanthom'," Chris frowned. "Whatever that is," Smiling again, he said, "What terrifying environment will we torture the Dramanauts with this time? Find out right now, on **Total…Drama…Planet!**"

Episode 5: La-goon Squad

DJ pulled himself out of the rat hole and took a deep breath. Life felt good.

"Good morning, planet!" He cried out into the world.

Gwen was the next to follow him, looking significantly less cheerful than DJ did. She hated morning people.

DJ strutted out towards the center of the hub where most of the Dramanauts were, his head held high. He hummed a cheery tune, enjoying himself.

Chiyo looked up from the book she was reading and said, "You're certainly in a good mode today, DJ-san!"

DJ nodded. "You know it, Chiyo! I've got a good feeling about today."

Off to the side, Duncan looked up from the game of cards he was playing with Harold, Fighter and Black Mage. Notably, Fighter's armor was lying at Duncan's side.

"Starting to like the rat hole, DJ?" the delinquent asked, subtly pulling an extra card from his sleeve.

"Nope," DJ replied, "It's just that it's been thirty days since I last hurt an animal. I think I got my curse licked!"

Chiyo tilted her head. "Curse?"

"Yeah. See-" DJ sat next to Chiyo and put a brotherly arm around her. "Back in _World Tour_, I accidentally broke a mummified dog in Egypt…"

The shot switched to old footage from _Total Drama World Tour episode 'Walk Like An Egyptian, Part 1'_;

"_Hey there, little buddy," DJ said to the dog-mummy. He bent down to give it a pet. "I wish I had a biscuit to give ya…"_

_But the minute DJ touched the dog, it began to crack up. DJ reeled back in alarm, gasping. The mummy promptly fell to pieces, releasing a cloud of dust._

"_What did I do?" DJ cried in alarm, "What did I do!"_

Back to the current episode's footage;

"And ever since then, every time I got near an animal, I ended up hurting it." DJ explained.

_World Tour episode Any Yukon Do I Can Do Better clip; DJ, while pulling Leshawna and Lindsay across the snow on a sleigh, hits a baby seal._

_World Tour episode The Am-AH-Zon Race; DJ has apparently been swatting tiny monkeys around like flies in the dark._

_World Tour episode Jamaica Me Sweat; DJ, while bobsledding, DJ hits a walrus on the track. ("That doesn't even make seeeeennse!")_

Back to the present!

"That sounds awful, DJ!" Chiyo gasped.

"It was," DJ said sadly, nodding. Brightening up, he then said, "But, not long after season 3 ended, I met this mysterious-type person in an alley, and he showed me the answer to my prayers!"

DJ reached into his pocket and pulled out what looked like one of the space rocks Chris handed out, except this one had the word CURSE with a line through it carved in.

"All I had to do was hold onto it for a month," DJ sighed, and gave it a kiss. "Best twenty bucks I spent!"

Black Mage looked up from his hand. "Wait, you _paid _for it?"

-TDP-

"Total Drama Planet, brought to you by Ackbar's Not-Fake Magic Charms!" Chris said, "Seriously, they're for real, people!"

-TDP-

"Worth every penny," DJ chuckled, "Well, won't need it anymore…"

DJ casually gave the 'charm' a toss over his shoulder. It flew over the entrance to the rat hole, past the arm wrestling contest Jim and Bon Bonne were having (Jim was _losing_, gasp) and right towards the little garden Ashley made, striking Red square in the forehead as he set up a little fence. The imp fell over, his eyes spinning, a lump growing.

DJ, unaware of this, said, "_So _nice to know I won't be causing small creatures to suffer anymore!"

-TDP-

After another unpleasant breakfast from Chef, the teams were flown to a lagoon. In fact, the same lagoon that Chris did the intro for the last episode at.

"Welcome, Dramanauts," the host with the most sadism began, "Your challenge today is three-fold. Event one is fishing. According to the reports our interns left behind when they were scoping this place out, there is a _huge _variety of aquatic life in this lagoon. Round up as many fish as you can. Chef and I will give out points based on size, weight, and amount of fangs and tentacles. Whoever wins the first round will win an advantage of the next round."

"What are we supposed to fish with?" Fighter asked.

"Be creative," Chris told him, "There's plenty of stuff lying around to fashion some decent rods from. Plus, we left out some rafts in case anyone wants to sink their lures a bit deeper into the lake."

Chris gestured to the edge of lagoon, where several dinghies had been left. One had a hole in it, and was slowly being consumed by the water.

"Now, if there aren't any other questions…" Chris trailed off, "Yes, Ashley?"

"Does it matter if the fish are alive?" the little witch asked.

"Nope! Just don't fill 'em with rocks, we'll check," Chris replied, "Now, get fishing! See ya at lunch time!"

**Beam-Me-Up Scotties**

"So, what's our plan?" Heather demanded, glaring at her teammates.

"'Plan'?" Duncan scoffed, "It's a fishing contest. Not much we can plan to do except spread out."

True to the punk's words, the rest of the team were already walking away, much to Heather's annoyance. Turning around, she saw that Fighter was still standing behind her.

"I like swords." He said intelligently.

"Oh, lord." Heather groaned, clutching her head.

-TDP-

Bender looked around. He had already found an acceptable amount of rope, now he just needed to find a hook of some kind…or something to fashion a hook into. Staring at the camera, he rubbed the area where his chin would be if he were human thoughtfully. Reaching towards the view, the screen turned to static just as his hand covered the lens.

_(Confessional)_

"_He said, 'Be creative'." Bender explained._

_(End Confessional)_

Bender now held a tri-pod stand in one hand, and the camera it used to hold up in the other. He gave the camera the old heave-ho, tossing the AV device into the lagoon. He then bent the tri-pod into a hook-shaped hunk of metal and tied one end to the rope he found.

"Just another demonstration as to how all problems can be solved with a little bending." Bender chuckled, holding up his creation. He scanned the area. "Now, for bait…"

-TDP-

"Ahh, lunch," Chef sighed, holding up a dagwood sandwich. "Just about the only freedom I get on this lousy…"

Before Chef could finish his sentence, Bender speared the sandwich with his hook. He then threw his hooked bait into the lagoon, where it made a satisfying splash in the water.

"Well, that was satisfying," Bender remarked. He then noticed Chef Hatchet glaring daggers at him, breathing heavily. "What?"

**Danger Will Robinsons**

Meanwhile, the Robinsons were having a quick powwow of their own…

_(Confessional)_

"_As depressing as Leshawna's abrupt elimination was, it's also a blessing in disguise," Harold said a bit reluctantly, "Without her great beauty to distract me, I can now center myself and focus on winning the competition."_

_(End Confessional)_

"I learned about all the finer points of fishing at Captain Steve's Fishing Camp," Harold said confidently, "If you want to win this event, just follow my advice. I'm a pro. Heck, I could win this event all by myself!"

Owen smirked. "Sorry, dude, but you're not the only fisherman…man…here. I happen to have an ancient fishing technique passed down through the family at my disposal, and these fish won't stand a chance! If you ask nicely, I might leave some out for you."

"Oh, there will be no need for _that_," Harold shot back, "Once I cast my line in, the fish will be forming their own line- to _me!_"

"Oh _yeah?_"

"_Yeah!_"

While Harold and Owen butted heads, the rest of the Robinsons held a separate discussion.

"Look, we've already got some rods and lines ready," Luigi said, giving a big stick with a long string tied to the end a wave. "Let's just spread around and see where the good spots are."

"Okay…"

"Yeah."

"Sure…"

As the Robinsons all went their separate ways, Harold and Owen's one-up fest came to a head.

"Let's make a friendly wager, _pal_," Owen said, "Whoever catches the most fish gets…um…" Owen's face screwed up as he thought, "…ah, the best tasting thing Chef cooks next time!"

"You're on!" Harold agreed, and the two shook hands and bumped fists. He looked around. "Where'd everyone go?"

**Beam-Me-Up Scotties**

Dopey sat down at a lagoon bank, home-made rod in hand. The young dwarf had a happy expression on his face. The sun was shining, the event wasn't obviously life-threatening, and Izzy wasn't around. She scared him.

Gripping hard on his rod, Dopey threw it back as he prepared to cast his line. As he threw the rod forward, he noticed something already attached to the hook. Confused, he pulled the line in and inspected it. It was a camera. Shrugging, the dwarf to the device and tossed it away.

_(Confessional)_

"_I wish these newbies were a bit more careful with our equipment," Chris muttered, "Setting up cameras all over the planet is expensive, ya know!"_

_(End confessional)_

Lindsay stared out into the lagoon. "Maybe I can catch some fishies there…"

With that in mind, she hurried over to where the dinghies were. When she arrived, she saw that not only had most of them had already been commandeered, the last one was in the process of being commandeered by Tyler.

He face brightened up when her brains (Yeah, she has them…) caught up with her. Tyler!

"Hi, Tyler!" She called, running up.

Tyler looked up from the dinghy and smiled. "Hey! Lindsay! What's up? I was just gonna see what I can catch in the deep end."

"Really? Aw, I was gonna go out to the middle of the lagoon…" Lindsay pouted.

There was an awkward pause as Lindsay looked sadly at her feet.

"Uh, I could take you there…" Tyler said, rubbing his head.

"Oh, that's so nice of you!" Lindsay cooed, throwing her arms around the inept athlete. "And we're not even on the same team! Thank you Tiger- I mean Tyler!"

"No problem, babe." Tyler said, grinning as she pressed up against him.

_(Confessional)_

"_Tyler is such a great boyfriend," Lindsay gushed, "And he's so communicative! All the other boys I've dated just stare at me…dunno why…"_

_(End Confessional)_

As the couple tried to hand paddle their boat out into the water (No oars) Neither of them noticed a dark shadow underneath…

"So, how are things on your team?" Tyler asked. His face scrunched up in pain and he suppressed a howl.

"Oh, it's not that bad," Lindsay said, unaware of Tyler's suffering. "_Heather's _on it, but she's busy trying to hold an alliance with Fighter. _He _thinks their dating, but Heather won't have it. Also, that robot Binder is really loud and obnoxious, and…"

As Lindsay talked, Tyler pulled his hand out of the water to find something biting down on his hand. It was _shaped _like a fish, but for some reason it resembled a giant hornet. He desperately tried to shake it off.

"…Duncan's being his usual mean self- I know he's kinda cute, but I don't see what Courtney or Gwen see in him," Lindsay went on, "Anyway, Bridgette's thinks Ashley was sabotaging…"

Grabbing his rod, Tyler hit the hornet fish a few times. On the fifth whack the fish let go and fell back into the water.

"…And Dippy doesn't talk at all," Lindsay finished, "So, any problems with your team?"

Tyler stared at the marks the fish's teeth had made in his hand. "Black Mage tries to stab us…a lot."

"Aww, you poor thing."

Tyler and Lindsay stared at each other for a few minutes. Then, without preamble, they began to make out, so much in fact that neither of them noticed something rising out of the water.

**Danger Will Robinsons**

Shantae was also out in the lagoon, but not in her chosen dinghy. Rather, the half-genie was lying back on a stone arch sticking out of the water. It had been a good half-hour since she had cast her line in, and the lack of activity was beginning to get to her. Just as Shantae was about to fall asleep, she felt a tug, but not on her line.

"Ow!" Shantae shot upright and pulled her ponytail out of the water where it had ended up. There was a fish chewing at the end of it. She swatted at it. "Get off!"

The fish let go, coincidentally falling into the dinghy. Satisfied, Shantae smoothed out her ponytail and laid back. Not more than five minutes later…

"Ow!"

-TDP-

Owen, meanwhile, had walked waist-deep into the water. His clothes nicely folded up on the beach behind him, he stood completely still, arms spread out. He held a crudely-built net in one hand.

_(Confessional)_

"_I have received many letters from fans asking the secret to my legendary fishing skills," Owen said, "It is a simple two-step process that anyone can do, but few can master. Step one, become one with the fishies and assimilate yourself into their culture. Step two, when their guard is down, strike as swift as the wind!"_

_(End confessional)_

Owen's eyes narrowed as he spied an unsuspecting, but completely freaky-looking, fish headed his way.

"Come to papa…" He whispered. His eyes widened and he suddenly shot out of the water, screaming in pain as he clutched his buttocks.

"Bulls-eye!" Izzy crowed, popping out of the water. Her triumphant smile fell when she saw Owen land on the beach. "Ooh, was that you, Big O?"

"I-Izzy?" Owen asked a sore voice as he rubbed his bare butt cheek. By divine fortune, he had landed stomach first, and thus his privates were not visible.

"Yeah, sorry about that, Owen," Izzy apologized, smiling sheepishly. She held up an bizarre, rusty harpoon gun and said, "I'd thought I'd go mano-a-mano with the creatures of the briny deep, and the water's so murky that one shadow looks like another. You okay?"

"Yeah…" Owen grimaced, "I'm cool."

"Great! See ya later!" With that, Izzy flopped back underwater with a messy splash. Owen could barely see her outline rocket away.

**Beam-Me-Up Scotties**

Bridgette, holding her own makeshift fishing pole under her arm, walked past Jim as the earthworm attempted his own strategy; His suit held his worm body over the water in one hand, while holding a net in the other. It seemed to be working, there was already a small pile of fish next to him.

"…Understand, Red?"

Bridgette gasped and ducked behind a crooked stump. Peeking out, she saw Ashley talking to some tiny little devil-creature. The imp's head was now bandaged.

"If this stupid show doesn't take us there, it'll all be a waste," Ashley continued, "So go through his files to make sure, and tell me if it doesn't."

Red nodded, gave a salute, and flipped into the air, vanishing in a puff of smoke.

"What's she up to…?" Bridgette wondered. She was so fixated on Ashley that she didn't notice the shadow being cast upon her. Not until it was too late.

-TDP-

Dopey, now in a different spot, threw his rod back as he prepared to cast. Casting the line, he saw something green at the end of the hook. Reeling it in, he found that it was a green cap with the letter L on the front.

"Would you mind?" A voice asked from behind.

Dopey turned and sheepishly handed Luigi his hat back. Once the plumber was gone, Dopey once again prepared to cast his hook. As he sent his line forward, he heard a faint rip and a girl's yell. Confused, he pulled his line in and saw that there was some kind of black rag caught on the hook. The dwarf was so confused by this that he didn't see Gwen march up to him, sans skirt.

The goth brought her fist down on Dopey's head, sending his cranium deep into his robes, and snatched the skirt of the hook.

Dazed, Dopey struggled to his feet and prepared to cast his line again. This time, however, he ended up hooking Heather's _top._

"_Auuugh!_"

Jumping in fright, Dopey dropped his rod and fled like a scared rabbit. Good thing, too. Heather stomped onto the scene, an arm blocking her bare chest from view.

_(Confessional)_

_Gwen, trying to fix her skirt, looked at the camera and smirked. "Okay, it's worth being on this show when you know even creeps like Heather aren't any safer than I would be." She then burst out into laughter._

_(End Confessional)_

**Danger Will Robinsons**

In a more out of the reach section of the lagoon, Black Mage sighed as he leaned back against a purple rock formation.

"Well, I may be stuck in a god-awful fishing contest, but that doesn't mean I can't do a half-assed job of it," the horrible one remarked, adjusting his hat. "I'll just hide out here until the event ends. If I'm lucky, we'll lose and I can be voted off this stupid show. Also, I wonder why this rock formation I'm leaning against feels like a giant tentacle."

The 'rock-formation' promptly wrapped itself around Black Mage.

"Oh…that's why."

-TDP-

"Hey, I caught something!"

Courtney and Chiyo looked up from untangling their lines to see DJ walking up, proudly holding his catch for all to see.

"That's great, DJ!" Chiyo said, and her smile fell. "But…that's pretty small…"

The 'fish' was the size of a thimble. For children.

Courtney rolled her eyes. "DJ, that's pathetic. You can't even use something that tiny as bait. Go back and catch another one, bigger this time."

DJ sighed, lowered his head, and trooped back to the shore. Once he was out of the scene, Courtney went back to the tangled lines.

"Weren't you a bit rough on him?" Chiyo asked.

"We can't afford to be soft, Chiyo," Courtney said, "If we don't win, we can't stay in the Delux-o-tron. Do _you _want to sleep in that disgusting rat hole again? What if it rains?"

Chiyo grimaced. Courtney had a point. Before she could respond however, her eyes widened and she pointed behind.

"What?" Courtney asked, looking. What she saw made her gasp.

Coming up was a giant fish, walking by means of two legs sticking out of its mouth. DJ's legs!

"Is this big enough?" DJ asked from somewhere within the alien tuna.

It wasn't often that words failed Courtney, but this was one of those times. "Yeah… That'll do it…"

"Attention, Dramanauts!" Chris McLean's voice rang out over the lagoon, "Time's up! Everyone, come back to the ship so we can measure your catches!"

-TDP-

Both returned to the starting point where they displayed their catches for Chris and Chef's judgment. The sizes and shapes of the fish caught varied from 'vaguely familiar' to 'downright peculiar'. Some fish looked like bad puns brought to life.

"Hmmm…interesting…not bad…_ugh!_" Chris muttered as he looked the fish over. The sight of one fish that looked like a pair of dentures with fins prevented a clever quip from leaving his mouth.

For the moment, both teams seemed to have equal amount of catches. Owen and Harold both caught the same amount of fish (Much to their annoyance), and it took several minutes to get the giant fish off of DJ. Luigi, much to his frustration, only caught boots (All in Chris' size, even). Despite hooking a camera, Gwen's skirt and Heather's top, Dopey managed to catch some kind of hornet-fish, while Izzy's hunt yielded several aquatic things that looked like sharks with legs. Duncan's 'catch' created quite a bit of a hubbub, as Jim claimed they looked like the fish he caught which inexplicably vanished when his back was turned.

"Okay, after careful deliberation, it looks like we have a tie," Chris decided, "Looks like neither side gets the advantage for the next…" Faint music filled the air. "What's that?"

Everyone stared as Ashley, playing a flute, marched onto the scene. Directly behind her were a line of about twelve hornet-fish, all bouncing on their fins in time with the rhythm. Ashley, still playing, and still marching, stopped next to the Scotties' table and each fish hopped on. Once the last fish was on, Ashley stopped and turned to Chris.

"Is that enough?" She asked.

"Yeah…" Chris managed to say, "That…about breaks the tie. You know, the things you do scare us, they really do."

Ashley shrugged.

"Okay, now that everyone's fish has been measured…" Chris began when Luigi cut him.

"Hold on. Aren't we missing people?" The green-clad plumber asked.

"Yeah, where are the two blonds?" Duncan asked, looking around. "And what happened to jockstrap and stabby?"

"I saw Tyler and Lindsay take a boat out into the water, but they should've been back by now," Chiyo said, "What do you think they're doing?"

There was an awkward silence as the more mature characters thought about what a boyfriend and girlfriend would do alone and unwatched. These thoughts were followed by whether or not they should tell their underage college student.

"We'll just write them off as we go into the next event," Chris said with a salesman's smile, "I'm sure everyone's juuust fine."

-TDP-

Deep inside a moist, organic cavern, Bridgette and Black Mage sat back and watched as Tyler and Lindsay made out. The ceiling occasionally dripped with a yellow liquid that sizzled as it landed on the 'ground'. The image a bit fuzzy, as if the camera had been damaged by something.

"So…" Bridgette began, "Do you think Chris knew about this monster before we got here?"

"I'll bet Chris put it here himself." Black Mage growled.

-TDP-

Back on the surface, the remaining members of the teams were seated at a long table, with Chris standing at the end.

"Now for our next event," The sadistic host said, "This one's in honor of our youngest competitor, Chiyo-chan."

Chiyo smiled. "Aww, thank you, Chris."

"I call it, the Sushi-Suck."

Chiyo's smile fell. "…What?"

Chef Hatchet walked out and began to place covered plates before each Dramanaut.

"Thanks to your fishing efforts, Chef Hatchet has been able to make the very first alien sushi platter in history," Chris explained, "Your challenge is to eat it."

Hesitantly, each Dramanaut removed the covers from their plates. The revealed platters of raw fish looked more like lumps of multi-colored play-doh. And if their appearance wasn't bad enough, the stench that filled the air (and their noses) singed their nose hairs. Heather actually bent down and vomited.

"_Gauh!_" Jim gasped, "And I thought regular fish stank!"

"You think _you've _got it bad?" Gwen gagged, "Try smelling this with a _nose!_"

"Just clear your plates to move on to the final round," Chris said through a gas mask, "Those that do _not _finish their meals will receive a penalty- but first, here's that advantage I promised for the winning team."

Chris snapped his fingers, and Chef walked out with a covered tray in hand. Lifting the cover, he revealed bottles of antacid and stomach medicine.

"Feel free to start whenever you like," Chris said, "But I should tell you, the longer you stall, the worse that sushi is gonna smell."

The Dramanaut's looked glumly at their 'meals'.

Owen picked up his plate and sighed. "Into mouth and past gums, look out tummy, here it comes!"

With that, the fat teen downed his alien sushi in one bite. After chewing for a bit, making contemplative facial expressions as he did, he swallowed. A moment passed. Then, his eyes bugged out and scrunched up at the same time before spinning wildly. Owen keeled over, hitting the ground with a thud. His left leg twitched in the air.

"Wherever Bridgette is, I hope she's having more fun than we're going to." Gwen moaned, staring.

-TDP-

Deep in the gullet of whatever had eaten the four missing ones, Black Mage threw a stick at Tyler.

"All right, cut that out. If we're going to die in the belly of some ET kraken, the last thing I wanna see is you some hot girl making out, thus painfully reminding me that I've always have been alone and unloved." The horrible being growled.

There was a sound of a suction cup unsticking as jock and hottie detached their lips.

"Sorry, BM, wasn't paying attention, what were you…" Tyler trailed off as he and Lindsay got an eyeful of their surroundings. "_Whoa! What the heck!_"

"Where _are _we?" Lindsay asked, fearfully hugging Tyler tighter.

"A giant monster living in the lagoon swallowed us," Bridgette explained, "We're just lucky he- she- _it- _didn't chew us first."

"Oh, certainly," Black Mage grumbled, "I'd hate to have my life ended instantly by big gnashing molars. Getting slowly and painfully dissolved by stomach acid sounds _so _much more appealing."

"So… how do we get out?" Tyler asked.

"As far as my knowledge of living body can tell, there's only one way out." Bridgette said, and pointed.

The other three looked to where she was pointing. At the far end of the stomach there was a large hole that occasionally made flushing noises.

Lindsay stared at it for a second before turning back to Bridgette. "What's plan B?"

-TDP-

The Sushi-Suck challenge was going as well as any other Chris McLean-conceived event would. The Dramanauts were, with varying degrees of success, trying to down the repulsive sushi without instigating their gag reflexes. Luigi attempted to blunt the taste by fastening a wrench around his nose. Heather took an exceptionally long time to finish her meal by cutting it into tiny pieces, hoping that infinitely smaller portions would lessen the gag factor. It didn't take.

"Look on the bright side," Fighter said as Heather released the contents of her stomach onto a nearby bush, "At least _this _meal won't make you see through time."

"I'd rather see _that _than Chris' stupid smirk!" Heather retorted, and then turned back to the bushes for an encore.

Fighter himself had managed to get through his meal with little discourse…save some unusual remarks.

_(Confessional)_

"_I've eaten bad food before…you know, when you're adventuring and there isn't a Burger King or a McDonalds around," Fighter explained, shuddering. "Also, this stuff isn't rat tail soup. That causes earthquakes."_

_(End Confessional)_

Oddly enough, Ashley suffered no ill effects. It should be noted though, that before eating each forkful she would mutter some strange phrase. When she had finished, Chris instructed her to open her mouth so he could give an inspection.

"Your breath smells very much like pistachio ice cream…" The host remarked suspiciously.

"That's just the overpowering mouthwash I used this morning." Ashley replied unflinchingly. Then again, she said _everything _unflinchingly…

And judging from his face, Chris thought so too. Still, there _were_ bits of food in Ashley's mouth, so he had no choice but to let it slide. And while everyone was preoccupied with Chris' inspection of Ashley, Duncan discreetly opened Bender's chest cabinet.

"Hey! What are y-" Bender began to say.

"Shh!" Duncan hissed, and dumped most of his plate into Bender. Then, he took a few scraps and put them in his mouth.

"Oh, _clever_." Bender rolled his eyes. Looking away, he muttered, "It'll take hours to get out the stink…"

"Just pipe down." Duncan warned him, and smiled as Chris came by.

Chris took a good look at Duncan's teeth before his nose twitched. The host's gaze slowly drifted towards Bender. Lacking taste buds to be properly grossed out by the alien sushi, Chris found a decent compromise by making the robot process the left over bones of the fish. However, what was drawing Chris' attention was…the cabinet door. The host bent down and picked up a piece of alien fish just hanging out of it. He turned back to Duncan.

"Nice try, dude." Chris said.

Duncan tried not to look guilty. Thinking back to the numerous trials he had, he said, "That's uh, purely circumstantial."

"_Sure_ it is." Chris grinned, and moved on to inspect other plates.

Eventually, everyone had managed to force down their sushi. Needless to say, this left the Dramanauts suffering various forms of nausea. Owen still hadn't recovered. The medicine provided gave the Scotties some relief, but not enough to completely stave off the effects of the alien sushi. If anything, it only made the pain even worse when it came back. Even Bender was lying on the ground in agony.

"Oh, it hurts…" The robot moaned.

_(Confessional)_

"'_Hey, Bender, since you can't eat, you'll have to do something about these bones,'" Bender grumbled, and winced. He rubbed his side. "I think I got one jammed in my gears…"_

_(End Confessional)_

"Okay, we'll take a fifteen minute break," Chris said, "Then, go get changed into your swimsuits for the last event."

"We didn't bring our swimsuits." Shantae pointed out.

"_We _did." Chris replied, winking. He held up a bikini bottom.

"Have you been going through our luggage?" Heather demanded, before clutching her stomach. "Ugh…too sick to be outraged…"

"You guys just sit tight and digest," Chris said, "We still have to do some touch-ups for event three, so find a private spot and change."

Chris threw out a duffle bag, no doubt full of stolen water wear. As the Dramanauts dug through the bag for their appropriate suits, Luigi pulled out a wetsuit.

"Who's this belong to?" He asked, looking around.

"That's Bridgette's," Courtney explained, "Where _are _those guys?" She then realized something. "And where's _Owen?_ Is he missing too?"

Everyone looked around. The tubby Canadian was nowhere in sight.

"Okay, this is weird," Harold said, "Bridgette, Black Mage, Tyler and Lindsay are one thing, but how could Owen have vanished?"

"Yeah, the dude was out cold and weighs about three hundred pounds," Duncan said, "Where could _he _have gone?"

-TDP-

"You know what I learned today?" Owen asked.

"What did you learn today, Owen?" Lindsay asked.

"I learned that if a giant tentacle crawls out of the water, you should just leave it alone." Owen said, "Instead of wrapping it around yourself for warmth and comfort."

"Yup," Black Mage grumbled, "That's the moral of the day, no doubt."

-TDP-

"Okay, everyone all set?" Chris asked.

While most of the Dramanauts were more or less about to handle whatever inane task Chris was about to throw at them, one wasn't. Aside from Owen going missing, another member of the Robinsons had opted to drop out. Gwen, though she had remained well enough to change into her bikini, was now on the ground, clutching her stomach.

"Cramps…" She muttered.

_(Confessional)_

"_Okay, I wasn't _really_ sick" Gwen confessed, "But there is no way that I am getting into any water Chris needs for his challenges. It's _always _going to be filled with sharks, electric eels, or any other sea predator you normally shouldn't swim with. heck, he'd fill it with _tigers _if he could! "_

_(End confessional)_

"Be a shame if she dropped out like this," Chris said, "Do the Scotties have some left-over medicine they can give her?"

"Duncan already gave her his share." Ashley reported, wearing a black swimsuit dotted with red skulls "I don't think it's working.

"Well, we can't wait any longer," Chris decided, "We'll just have to move on without her…to the Great Lake Grand Prix!"

The Dramanauts exchanged looks. For the record, the Total Drama Newbies' swimsuits were the following; Green trunks for Luigi, a simple red one piece for Shantae, and Chiyo was wearing a yellow swimsuit with brown patterns. Jim hadn't changed into a swimsuit, but his super suit now had a glass dome over his head. (Think from the EWJ episode _Eggbeater_) On the Scotties' side, Fighter had simple taken off his armor, Dopey wore a male suit from the gay nineties (He still had his cap on…) and Bon Bonne now had what looked like an inflatable raft wrapped around his torso.

"If you will look out yonder to the lagoon, you will see a numerous buoys scattered about," Chris explained, gesturing. "For this final event of your challenge, you will have swim around the lagoon, using the buoys as your course markers; they each have a number you need to follow. When every member of their team makes it to the last buoy, swim back to the shore. The first Dramanaut makes it back wins it all for their team."

"Easy enough." Duncan decided.

"Oh, not for you, Duncan," Chris said with sadistic glee, "For trying to cheat in the last event, you have to complete the challenge wearing _this!_"

For a big, loud, scary man, Chef Hatchet could be decidedly stealthy when the situation called for it. While everyone's attention was on Chris, the black man had snuck up behind Duncan. Right on cue, Chef swiftly slipped armor over and onto Duncan.

"You've gotta be kidding me," Duncan growled, annoyed at how easily Chef had gotten close to him. "How do you expect me to swim with _this _junk on me?"

"With great difficulty, of course." Chris replied.

"Duncan's got a point, wearing armor in water is dangerous," Fighter pointed out, "What if it rusts?"

"Duncan won't have to worry about it rusting once the race gets under way," Chris assured, "_Believe me._"

"Something about that doesn't sound assuring…" Fighter mused, then brightened. "Oh, wow!" He bent down and picked up a fork. "This looks just like the fork I lost while eating, only mine wasn't covered in dirt!"

The Scotties, as one, slapped their foreheads in disgust. Afterwards, the remaining Dramanauts in event lined up at the lagoon's edge. The only person who looked more miserable than Duncan, stuck wearing a big metal shirt, was Chiyo. The Japanese girl was practically shaking.

_(Confessional)_

"_Okay, I should say so right now…" Chiyo sighed, "I'm not a good swimmer."_

_(End Confessional)_

"All right, on you mark…" Chris said, "Get set…"

"Shouldn't we have waited _thirty _minutes?" Harold asked, and was subsequently ignored.

Back at the table, Bender and Gwen had stopped pretending to be ill, and were watching from their spots on the ground.

"_Go!_"

And with that word spoken, the teams dove into the water. However, while most of the Dramanauts were able to make a decent swim, even Duncan, three ended up left behind. Chiyo struggled to force her small body through the wakes formed by her teammates and fellow competitors, while Bon Bonne flopped his arms haphazardly, trying to paddle. Dopey almost had a good start, but one of Bon Bonne's flailing arms struck him in the noggin, and the dwarf sank.

"Ouch," Chris winced, shaking his head in mock sympathy. "_That _has got to _hurt,_" Looking over to his side, he asked, "Figure out where our missing Dramanauts are?"

Chef Hatchet, now at the console of an elaborate set of radar and sonar device, merely shook his head.

_(Confessional)_

"_Our producers were worried about lawsuits if we lost one of our competitors," Chris explained, "So while we were still on Earth, we had homing beacons attached while they were sleeping."_

_(End Confessional)_

"Ooh, I got it!" Owen cried, shooting a finger into the air.

"Oh, _this _has to be good." Black Mage muttered.

"We must build..." Owen paused dramatically, "…A fire!"

There was a pause, only less dramatic.

"What, like Pinocchio?" Tyler asked.

"Exactamundo!" Owen confirmed, "We'll smoke 'im out! I mean, smoke _us _out."

"While the idea of putting you near an open flame intrigues me, there's one problem," Black Mage said, "Namely, _we have nothing to start a fire with._"

Owen slumped. "Nothing?"

"Trust me, if a fire were possible, you and jockstrap there would already be burning." Black Mage assured.

The Dramanauts present looked at the stomach floor and immediately regretted it. The way the bottom of the stomach seemed to move without actually moving at all, especially given the circumstances, deeply upset them.

"Ooh, I know!" Lindsay said suddenly.

Black Mage sighed and looked at the ceiling. It wasn't any less painful to watch than the floor.

"One time, I saw this show about these talking dinosaurs that acted like people, and in one episode they ended up in a big monster's tummy, just like we are!" Lindsay explained, "And, they got out by talking about how much they loved each other! We should try it, too!"

"Ohhhh no you don't," Black Mage growled, pointing a menacing finger at the ditz. "It was bad enough watching you and your boyfriend play tonsil-hockey for over an hour, but if you try to turn this into some kind of goddamn hug-a-thon, so help me, I will _cut you open._"

"Wait a minute, that's it!" Bridgette exclaimed, snapping her fingers.

"Oh god, I _knew _you were some kind of hippie when I saw you ask Chef for a salad…" Black Mage groaned.

"No, not that!" Bridgette said, and crawled over to where the camera was. "This! It's still working! When the guys on the other end see the footage, they'll call Chris and he'll save us!" Picking up the camera, she held it up to her face and cried, "Hello? Quick! Call Chris! We're in the stomach of a sea monster at the lagoon! Hello? _Hello!_"

-TDP-

In the audio-video control room of the Total Drama Space Station, two men, seated firmly in front of dozens of monitors were hard at work…playing rock'em sock'em robots. The monitor showing Bridgette was put on mute, even.

-TDP-

Back in the lagoon proper, the race was well underway. It was hard to say which of the two teams had the better chances of winning. Not only due to the varying levels of aquatic competence among the remaining Dramanauts, but for another reason as well. Several hundred reasons, actually.

"These- _Ahh!_ – fish are- _Oh!_-attacking us!" Heather screeched, "_Eek! _Quit it!"

Despite the newly-discovered aggressive nature of the lagoon's denizens, the Dramanauts managed to maneuver effectively (And amusingly) through the water. Ashley seemed to be the only one not bothered by the fish, as she appeared to be generating an aura of malice that scared them away. Courtney in particular was like a torpedo, zipping through the surf without pause. The only swimmer able to keep up with her was Fighter.

_(Confessional)_

"_At the camp I was a CIT at, I got into a swimming competition with one of the other CITs," Courtney explained, drying her hair with a towel. "We kept going at it in the lake until sunset and the head counselor had to drag us out. And I _still _don't know which of us was faster!"_

_-TDP-_

"_Wow, not wearing heavy, rusting armor really helps your water-speed velocity," Fighter said, "Who knew?"_

_(End confessional)_

Meanwhile, far behind them, the rest of the swimmers attempted to keep it. DJ had some difficulty, as the life preserver he was wearing made it hard for him to properly stroke. But that was nothing compared to the problems Duncan had, stuck in armor. As Chris had said, the armor rusting wasn't an issue. However, this was due to the fact that bits of seaweed and small fishies kept getting stuck in certain spots. The wriggling was more discomforting than the weight.

At the back of the pack, Chiyo and Bon Bonne continued to on their way. The only reason Chiyo's tiny frame was only able to stay ahead of Bon Bonne's was due to the giant baby's clumsy strokes kept creating small waves that pushed the Japanese girl forward a pit at a time.

However, the worse part of the race was the way the course was set up. Not only were there over two dozen buoys to follow, but they was also spread out across the lagoon, but they were set up in a chaotic, zig-zag spiraling pattern. This meant that swimmers who heading towards a buoy marked, for example, 15, would occasionally bump into a swimmer going to buoy 7. In short, chaos.

"P-pardon me!" Chiyo gasped as Heather charged passed her.

"Move it or lose it!" Duncan snarled as practically plowed through DJ and Harold.

"Watch it!" Harold yelled back through a mouthful of water, "_Gosh!_"

Jim punched a tentacle wrapped around his torso. "Back, beast! Back to the pit from whence thy came!"

"I think I swallowed something!" Courtney shrieked.

"Something almost swallowed _me!_" Heather shouted.

"You know…if I had my swords, I bet I could _cut _through this water." Fighter said to Izzy.

"Good idea!" Izzy chirped, "Use mine!"

SWISH!

"_Why does Izzy have a __**sword!**_"

Back on the shore, Chris casually sipped from a cup of coffee as he watched the insanity. "Sure looks crazy out there. Aren't you sorry you're missing out on this?"

That question had been directed at Bender and Gwen, who were still playing the 'too-sick-to-do-the-stupid-event' card. This meant that every time Chris or Chef looked their way, they resumed their lying on the ground position.

"Uh, yeah," Bender said, his eyes shifting. "Too bad we're so sick…yeah."

Back out in the water, Courtney was the first one to reach the last buoy.

"Yes!" She crowed, punching the air. "First one here!"

Fighter popped up next to her. "First!"

"No Fighter, _I _was first." Courtney corrected.

"Me too!"

"Fighter," Courtney pinched the bridge of her nose, "When you arrive after the person before you, that means you're the _second._"

"…I'm the first of the second!"

Courtney, despite the temptation, resisted the urge to bang her head against the buoy. As she looked out towards the other buoys and watched the rest of the swimmers navigate around them, a thought occurred to her.

"Wasn't there a dwarf around somewhere?"

-TDP-

In the beast's stomach, Bridgette, Tyler, Owen, Lindsay, Black Mage and Dopey were busy stomping around, running in place, and just trying to shake up the room.

"Yeah, just a bit more!" Owen yelled, "Woo-hoo!"

"Why the hell are we doing this?" Black Mage grumbled.

"Dopey thinks that if we shake up the stomach, we might get spat out." Bridgette explained.

"And where'd you get that idea? Dopey didn't _say _anything!" Black Mage protested, "He hasn't spoken one goddamned word since the beginning of this stupid series!"

A loud gurgle echoed throughout the chamber, accompanied by a tremor.

"Dude, I think it's working!" Tyler exclaimed, "Faster!"

-TDP-

Meanwhile, Luigi, Shantae, Izzy and Ashley joined Courtney and Fighter at the last buoy.

"How come the fish didn't go after you?" Luigi asked Ashley.

"Animals understand me." Was all Ashley would say.

Not too long after that, Heather popped up next to Fighter. Rather than respond to Fighter's enthusiastic greeting ("Hi, Heather!)" she did a quick headcount.

"Psycho hose-beast, Ashley, Fighter, me…" She muttered, "And with Dopey and Lindsay and Bender disqualified, we only have to wait for Duncan and Bon Bonne to show up for us to finish and win."

"Don't get too cocky," Courtney said smugly, "Duncan's stuck in armor, remember? And have you _seen _the way Bon Bonne swims? They're not going to get here before us Robinsons win!"

"Hold that thought." Shantae said, and dove underwater. A few seconds later she pulled up Harold, half-drowned and covered in bite marks.

Courtney stared until her voice returned, and asked, "Do I even want to know?"

"Groupie...groupers…" Harold moaned.

Jim was the next to arrive, his suit dotted with nicks. Shortly after him was Duncan. The delinquent latched onto the buoy, gasping and heaving, trying to get valuable air into his lungs.

"Stupid…armor…" Duncan huffed.

"You okay?" Fighter asked.

"I'm swimming in lake full of angry fish while wearing twenty pounds of scrap metal," Duncan growled, "What do _you _think?"

"Well, at least I know this is a lagoon, not a lake." Fighter replied.

Before Duncan could muster the strength to give Fighter a wallop, Luigi pointed and said, "Here comes DJ."

The Jaimacan-Canadian paddled up, breathing heavily. He, like so many others, latched onto the final buoy for support.

"It's starting to get crowded here." Luigi commented.

"Hey, hey! The gang's all here, yaaaay!" Izzy cheered.

"Not everyone," Harold said, having regained his breath. "Chiyo and Bon Bonne are still way behind."

Everyone looked out to the lagoon. Sure enough, the aforementioned Dramanauts were still waaaay behind…there weren't even two-thirds finished. And after watching their pathetic attempts to swim, the ones at the buoy began to get impatient.

"Oh, this is taking way too long," Courtney groaned, "Jim, go get Chiyo so we can win this!"

"Right!"

"_Ah-ah-ah!_" Chris' yelled through a megaphone, "No piggy-back rides!"

"Are you serious?" Shantae yelled back, "When was _that _a rule? You're just making it up as you go along!"

"And that surprises you…why?" Chris asked.

"C'mon, Chris!" DJ called, "Ya gotta let us help Chiyo…I don't think she's gonna make it!"

That was true. The length of the course was weighing heavily on the girl, so much that the only thing moving her along were the waves caused by Bon Bonne's paddling.

"Don't worry about it," Chris assured, "If it looks like Chiyo's life is in actual danger, I'll send someone out to rescue her!"

Just as Chris said this, Chef Hatchet stepped out, now in beach trunks, an inner tube around his waist and a whistle on a string around his neck.

"Of course, what are the odds of someone's life being in jeopardy at this exact moment?" Chris asked, chuckling.

At that very moment, a giant airship flew in over the lagoon. It looked like someone had tried to build a giant automated mixer in Las Vegas. In the cockpit, everyone could see what looked like a giant, black-and-white catman carrying a mean-looking goldfish in a bowl over its shoulder.

"Earthworm Jim!" the goldfish announced, "I have come to jeopardize your life at this exact moment!"

"Zounds!" Jim cried, "It's my _other _arch-nemesis, Bob the Killer Goldfish!"

"What are the odds?" Fighter asked.

_(Confessional)_

"_Pretty good, on this show." Luigi said._

_(End Confessional)_

As Bob cackled, the giant mixers on his ship began to spin, creating strong winds, and lowered down towards the lagoon.

"I'm gonna mix it up with y'all!" Bob chortled.

"Not if _I _have anything to say about it!" Jim retorted, and whipped out an empty hand. "Eat dirt, disproportionately-sized tyrant!" He realized his hand was empty. "Oh…darn it, where's that ray gun?"

Just before Bob's mixing ship could touch the water, a giant sea monster, all tentacles and fangs, burst out from the depths! In doing so, the sea monster banged its head on Bob's ship, sending the giant mixer flying. Everyone stared.

"Well, that settles that." Chef said.

"Yeah…only now we have to worry about the freaking huge monster fish about to eat our cast," Chris remarked, "Maybe you should go in and save Chiyo…"

"Wha- _me?_" Chef asked, horrified. He looked at the lagoon monster. "I'm not going out there now! You can't make me!"

"Fine, fine…wuss…" Chris muttered, and pulled out the megaphone. Speaking into it, he said, "Okay, change of plans! First team to swim back to shore wins the challenge! Annnnnd _go!_"

Even before Chris had said 'go' the swimmers were already surging towards the shore, screaming complaints about poorly researched locations, impossibly-sized life forms, and idiot, narcissistic reality-show hosts. The only one not swimming to shore was Jim, who circled around to go pick up Chiyo. As this was going on, the lagoon monster reared up, preparing to strike. But before it could launch its fearsome assault, it…stopped. It's terrible face scrunched up as a deep churning noise echoed into the sky.

"That does _not _sound like what I think it sounds like…" Gwen deadpanned.

POOMP.

Directly behind the monster, a giant bubble grew out in the water…and burst. Rather sheepishly, the lagoon monster sunk back into the depths from whence it came.

"Eeew." Bender shuddered.

Before anyone else had a chance to be properly disgusted, the ripples from the bubble and the lagoon monster's subsequent descent into the water built up into a massive tidal wave that carried the swimmers towards the shore…right where Chris and the others were.

"_Gah! _Take cover!" Chris cried.

SPLA-CRASH!

Static.

When the image finally returned, everyone had been scattered all over the place. Duncan's armor had fallen to pieces (One of which was now jammed in Fighter's head) while Luigi had been jammed waist deep in the sand…head first. Harold's glasses were caked with mud, and the man himself was currently being sat on by Bon Bonne.

"Babuu…" Bon Bonne said, somewhat dazed.

"Ugh…get- get off…" Harold moaned.

The picnic table had been knocked on its side, with Courtney and Shantae bent over it. DJ was curled up in a ball, shivering, muttering "I'm comin' mama…" over and over again. Heather lying face down spread eagle, while next to her Gwen had a large clump of sea weed over her face. Earthworm Jim lay in one spot…while his suit lay five feet away from him. The only two people not bothered was Ashley, who was wringing out her pigtails, and Izzy, giggling like a loon.

"That was _fun!_" She squealed, "Let's do it again!"

Groaning, Chris pulled himself up from behind the table. "Okay…is everyone here?"

"Not everyone!" Chef Hatchet yelled, and pointed.

The camera cut towards the shore just as Chiyo, struggling for air, pull herself onto land.

"I…made it!" She gasped, passing out.

Chris shook his head for a moment, trying to get back his composure. "Well…in that case…the winners of today's challenge are the Danger Will Robinsons!"

"_What!_"

Heather shot up, spat some sand out, and marched over to Chris. "Are. You. Blind?" She pointed at where the rest of the Scotties were lying. "_Our _team was here first!"

"Yeah, but," Chris shrugged, "None of you guys actually _swam _here. The wave did all of the work, really."

"That is the biggest load of- _Awwk!_" Heather tripped over a rope being pulled into the water. Glaring at it, she screeched, "What is _this!_"

"Oh, yeah," Bender said as he emptied sand out of his head, "I was using that for the fishing part. Forgot all about it. Might as well pull it in." Screwing his head back on, Bender walked over and gave the rope a pull. "Dammit, must be stuck on something… Hey!" He called to Jim and DJ. "Give me a hand with this!"

-TDP-

"So much for Operation: Make-Monster-Puke," Tyler sighed, "And that effort, and we almost get sucked out the wrong end."

"Yeah, let's not dwell on that." Black Mage grumbled.

"We're never gonna get out!" Owen wailed unhappily, "We're gonna be slowly digested until only our half-dissolved skeletons are left to be digested themselves!" Sobbing, Owen took a bite out of a sandwich.

"Um, where did you get that?" Bridgette asked.

Owen pointed. Hanging down from the hole that led from the throat was a large hook on a rope. After a moment of inspection, Bridgette gave it a few tugs.

"Guys…I think I know what to do." She said after it didn't come down.

-TDP-

"Okay, we're gonna tug this thing on 'three', all right?" Bender said as he, Jim, DJ, Duncan, Luigi and Fighter took hold of the rope. "One…two…_three!_"

With that, the guys pulled. In the background most of the girls watched impassively, except for Chiyo, who was still passed out, but now lying on Courtney's lap. And at the terminal, Chef and Chris checked the 'Dramanaut radar'.

"You sure you can't find them?" Chris asked, concerned.

"For the last time, no," Chef grumbled peevishly, "The scanner's ain't pickin' up nothin'! It's like they vanished off the face of…whatever this planet's called."

Chris rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Okay…this is a problem. Losing six of our competitors will really mess up our schedule. Especially since we never really planned on having reward-only challenges…" He looked at Chef. "Think we could get away with pulling in some of the rejects for replacements? Like, on the upcoming aftermath?"

Before Chef could answer, another terrible rumbling sounded out from the lagoon. Everyone present stared in horror as the dreaded lagoon monster rose out from the water…and coming out of its mouth was the other end of the rope.

"I think we're over the legal limit." Fighter commented.

_(Confessional)_

"_Maybe I should stop tossing giant hooks with sandwiches into large bodies of water…" Bender mused._

_(End Confessional)_

The monster's eyes twitched (Six of them) and its face turned an unsightly shade of puce. Rearing its head back (The guys pulling the rope were thrown into the air), the monster SPAT something out. Owen, Bridgette, Tyler, Lindsay, Black Mage and Dopey, all clinging to the hook, went flying down to the ground, crashing into the guys with a SPLAT!

"There they are," Chris nodded, and cupped his hand to his mouth. "If you guys are done playing around, then board the shuttle. The Scotties have an elimination ceremony that I'm _sure _they don't want to miss!"

"We lost?" Bridgette asked, wiping monster drool off her cheek. "What happened?"

"You do _not _want to know." Duncan grumbled, tossing Dopey's now-slimy hat off.

**Danger Will Robinsons**

Chiyo woke with a start. "Almost there-!" She looked around. "The Delux-o-tron…?"

"That's right," Courtney said, "We won it back. All thanks to you."

"R-really?" Chiyo said, jumping up excitedly. Looking around, she saw that she and Courtney were in the rec room of the Delux-o-tron. She had been lying on the couch while Courtney was nearby, playing sitting in the recliner, enjoying a cup of cocoa. Luigi, DJ, Jim and Gwen were playing a game of snooker while Harold and Shantae watched.

"Oh, that's good," Chiyo said, sitting back down. "I was afraid we'd lose because of…" Her nose twitched. "Um, what's that smell?"

Everyone turned towards the entrance to the bathroom. Owen, Tyler, and Black Mage, all wearing towel's around their waists (And Black Mage had one wrapped around his head, hiding his face) were poking their heads out of the door.

"Can we stop showering now?" Owen asked, "We've been at it for _hours._"

"No, you still smell like fish guts." Courtney said firmly, and pointed back into the bathroom. "_Wash!_"

As the smelling three slinked back towards the hot water and soap, Chiyo looked at Courtney in confusion.

"Fish guts?"

**Beam-Me-Up Scotties**

At the matter transporter, the ceremony was well under way. While the rest of the Scotties were sitting in the usual spot, Bridgette, Lindsay, and Dopey were forced to sit several yards away near a lit torch.

"Welcome back to the teleporter, Scotties," Chris said, "Miss it?"

"Bite me." Duncan growled.

"You sure?" Fighter asked, "That sounds painful."

"Yyyeah…Almost as painful as having to send _another _teammate packing," Chris said, "And what better way to do it than with the _Wheel of Elimination!_"

Cheesy game show music played as Chef, in his 'Gilded Chris award' costume (_Shudder)_ rolled out the wheel. The faces of Ezekiel, Mr. 3, LeShawna, and Ratticus had been crossed out.

"You're seriously going to use that _again?_" Fighter asked.

"Hey, three out of five test groups liked it," Chris defended, "And besides, _I _think it adds a bit of pizzazz to what would be a predictable elimination ceremony."

"What does Chef think?" Ashley asked.

"_I _this darned dress is startin' to chafe!" Chef Hatchet snarled, "So spin the danged wheel already!"

"Right!" Chris said, and pulled at the wheel. "Wheel of Elimination, turn turn turn! Show us the loser who would burn!"

After a few minutes of spinning, the wheel began to slow down. It began to stop under Heather's…

"_What?_" Heather exploded.

…Before stopping on Dopey's.

"Looks like you're out, little dwarf," Chris said, and jerked a thumb at the transporter. "Beam o' Defeat, that way."

Dopey sighed, got up, and walked over to the Matter transporter, moping as he did. Once he was in, he gave his ex-teammates one final wave before disappearing in a burst of light.

_(Confessional)_

"_Aw, poor little Dopey…" Izzy sighed, "And we were getting along so well!"_

_-TDP-_

"_Wait a minute, that's three newbies gone now…" Bender muttered before gasping. "They're pickin' us off like flies! I gotta take drastic action!"_

_(End Confessional)_

"Yet another unexpected twist," Chris said, facing the camera. "Will we use the wheel again? Can the Scotties win another stay in the Delux-o-tron? And _can _the smell of the lagoon monster's stomach be washed out? Tune in for the answers next time…on **Total…Drama…Planet!**"


	6. A New Aftermath

_Everyone looked at Ezekiel, awaiting his answer. The home-school looked down at his feet before looking back up and saying, "I've got a really good medical plan."_

"_Good enough to get you through molten lava?" DJ asked, amazed._

_Ezekiel nodded. "Yyyyup."_

_-TDP-_

"_You want us to live in a house made of wax." Ashley said. It was not a question._

_Mr. 3 nodded. "That's right."_

_Ashley raised an eyebrow. "A house that will melt."_

_Mr. 3 twitched. "It won't melt!"_

_-TDP-_

_Leshawna fired, and the ball went rocketing towards Black Mage's bull. However, the bull simply head butted the ball once it got close enough, rather than letting it smack him. The ball sailed away, but not back towards Leshawna. Instead, it nailed Heather right in the rear, sending the already battered girl flying forward off her bull._

"_Ooh," Leshawna gulped, grimacing. "That was not part of the plan."_

_-TDP-_

"_Earthworm Jim!" The intruder yelled, "I have come to destroy you, et cetera, et cetera!"_

"_Egads!" Jim cried, dropping the point. "It's my arch-nemesis, Psy-Crow! What an inconvenience!"_

_-TDP-_

_Deep in the gullet of whatever had eaten the four missing ones, Black Mage threw a stick at Tyler._

"_All right, cut that out. If we're going to die in the belly of some ET kraken, the last thing I wanna see is you and some hot girl making out, thus painfully reminding me that I've always have been alone and unloved." The horrible being growled._

**Total Drama Planet Aftermath**

Episode 6: A New Aftermath

In a deep-space background, yellow words scroll up like from _Star Wars_;

**In a galaxy very, very, very far away…**

**(All galaxy's are far away from **_**something**_**, give us a break)**

**Chris McLean has launched his most diabolical show yet. Having discovered the existence of a planet capable of supporting human life outside of the Sol System, he quickly claims it as the setting for his newest series- Total Drama Planet.**

**As well as the usual competitors from his previous shows, Chris has also selected a plethora of freaks and weirdos from different the other side of the tracks to take part in this reality show.**

**One of them, the young which named Ashley, has caused the elimination of two strong competitors in row. And all the while, the rogue gallery of Earthworm Jim continue to appear…**

**But while the drama continues down on the planet, strange happenings are afoot in the Total Drama Space Station in its orbit…**

-TDP-

The show opened up to what looked like the usual Aftermath stage. However, the furniture there looked slightly more streamlined and science-fictiony than the normal set's did. Instead of the usual red color scheme, everything was blue-white. Seated on the couch was party-boy Geoff and sarcastic genius Noah. To the right of them was the rest of the Total Drama gang, those who hadn't been selected to take part in the main show by Chris, minus Blainley and Alejandro. Sierra had some of her hair back, but not all.

"Sup!" Geoff said, giving a 'surf's up' sign with both hands. "And welcome to Total Drama Aftermath! I'm your wicked awesome host, Geoff! This here's my new co-host, you know him and love him, Noah!"

Noah gave the camera a lazy wave. "Hey there."

"And over one my left is the Total Drama Peanut Gallery of Failure," Geoff explained, "The dudes and dudettes who were barred admission to the latest Total Drama series."

The Peanut Gallery waved, except for Justin, too busy looking at himself in a hand-held mirror, and Cody, both arms restrained by Sierra's one-armed hug.

"I suppose some of you at home have noticed a slight change in our look," Geoff said, "Well, Chris didn't spring for remodeling. Instead, he got us a brand new studio right over the Total Drama Planet! Woo!"

"He couldn't just leave us alone on Earth," Noah growled, "No, that would be far too nice. Instead, he drags us halfway across the galaxy and jams in this orbiting deathtrap. We're not even allowed to go down get some fresh air."

"Tell me about it," Geoff sighed sadly, "I'm like, this close to Bridgette, and yet so far away. It's bumming me out that we're not together this season again," He looked glumly at the floor before brightening up. "But that's no reason not to show my support! Go, Bridge!"

"Rein it in, lover-boy," Noah said, "First things first."

"Right," Geoff said, giving Noah a thumbs-up. "And what better way to start the aftermath than with the number one guy on Total Drama?" To the camera, he said, "He's the first one out of the game, the first one to get blogged, and the _last _person you'd expect to survive falling into an erupting volcano! Give up for everyone's favorite homeschooled-hoser-boy-gangsta-wannabe, Ezekiel!"

Canned applause sounded off as Ezekiel, accompanied by Sasquatchanakwa, walked on-stage. The sat down in the armchair by the couch, Zeke sitting on Sasquatchanakwa's lap due to the lack of space in the seat.

"Dude, you brought it with you?" Noah asked, staring at the purple bigfoot.

"Chris had Chef handcuff 'im to me, eh," Ezekiel explained, "And we can't find the key."

To demonstrate this fact, Ezekiel and Sasquatchanakwa held up their chained wrists.

"No problem, Big Z," Geoff said, and called out, "Hey, can we get a saw in here?"

Eva stalked up onto the stage, hacksaw in hand. Her perpetual frown looked even darker than usual, causing Sasquatchanakwa and Ezekiel to hug each other in fear. They both remembered what happened the last time they got on her bad side.

"Hold out your arms." She ordered. They complied, and she began to saw at the chain of the handcuffs.

"So, Zeke," Geoff began as Eva worked, "How's it feel to be the first one out again?"

"Not so bad, I guess," Ezekiel sighed, "I just wish people would stop hatin' on me for what happened in season 3."

"What do you expect?" Noah asked, "You caused the prize money to fall into an erupting volcano before any of us could mooch it off of Heather. That's not something anyone would 'stop hatin''."

"But, you _did _sink Chris afterwards," Geoff pointed out, "That's something anyone would 'keep lovin''. In fact…lights!"

The lights dimmed, and the screen on the wall in the background lit up.

_Total Drama World Tour episode 'Hawaiian Punch' clip; Ezekiel, like a bat out of hell, rockets straight into Chris' boat as he is ejected from the volcano. Everyone laughs as it sinks._

The clip ended and the lights returned.

"Just remember, homeschool, _you _made that happen." Geoff said, giving Zeke a finger gun.

Ezekiel brightened up as everyone else applauded. Sasquatchanakwa patted him on the head with his other hand.

"So, anymore plans to push yourself back into the competition this season?" Noah asked.

"No," Ezekiel sighed, looking down. "My mom made me promise not to do stuff like that again. She really freaked out and gave me a chewing out at the hospital."

"Can't blame her," Geoff said, "If I saw _my _kid fall into lava, I'd flip out too."

"GODDAMIT!" Eva roared, standing up. Everyone jumped at the sound of her voice.

"What? What is it?" Geoff asked, poking his out from behind the couch.

"This stupid chain won't break!" Eva growled, throwing the saw, now with blunted teeth, to the floor in anger. "What's it made of, _diamonds!_"

There was an awkward silence as everyone stared at Eva, who was glaring at the handcuffs with unrelenting fury. After a minute, she stalked off, making the studio shake with every step.

"Ooookay…" Geoff said as he and Noah retook their seats. "Um, Zeke, what do you think of the rumor that Ashley used her magic to rig the wheel?"

"That's silly," Ezekiel replied, "Everyone knows there's no such thing as magic."

"Of course there isn't," Noah scoffed, "If there was, we could explain your mysterious transformation from a _flambe'_d wretch of zombie to a normal human without a scratch."

"Actually, I've got some scars," Ezekiel mentioned, "They're, um, really weird. The doctors couldn't explain it."

"Well, show us," Beth said, "Maybe _we_ can explain it."

"You sure…?" Ezekiel asked hesitantly.

Cries of "Show us!" came from the peanut gallery and Geoff. Even Sasquatchanakwa was making sounds of approval. The only one not saying anything was Noah, who's attention was now on the ceiling.

"Okay…" Ezekiel muttered, and with a little twisting around, removed his shirt and hoodie, baring his front for all to see. There _were _scars on his chest, but, like Ezekiel said, they looked very peculiar.

"Whoa, you weren't kidding," Geoff said, scratching his head in wonder. "They almost look like _words._"

That got Noah's attention. The sarcastic genius stared at the legible wound marks and read out, "Sarda…was…here?"

"What's a Sarda?" Sadie asked.

"I don't know." Katie replied.

"Well, neither did the surgeons," Ezekiel said, putting his shirt and hoodie back on. "It really creeped them out."

A buzz saw noise filled the air.

"Speaking of 'creeping out'…" Noah murmured.

Ezekial jumped into Sasquatchanakwa's arms and the two of them, teen and yeti, let out shrill shrieks of terror. The reason for their fear became known as Eva, a determined look on her face, came back on-stage, now holding a giant chainsaw in her arms.

"Let's try _this!_" She growled, holding up the chainsaw.

More shrieks followed as Ezekiel and Sasquatchanakwa ran off stage, chased by Eva.

"Hold still, you babies!" The angry girl bellowed, swinging her tool at them.

The hosts watched them go, wide-eyed.

"Right, well…" Geoff said, turning back to the camera. "Why don't we ignore that in favor of someone you _can't _ignore. She's large, in charge, and full'a soul, it's Leshawna, people!"

Applause, not canned this time, erupted as the ghetto girl strutted up on stage, waving to the camera. She had a warm smile on her face as she sat down in the previously-used chair. This gave way to disgust as she settled in.

"Ugh, sasquatch fur." Leshawna muttered, brushing some purple hairs off the arm rest.

"So, Leshawna," Geoff began, "How're ya doing? Taking your elimination well?"

"Ha, don't worry about _that_," Leshawna laughed, "The best the time to lose is at the beginning, before the hurt _really _happens."

"So, you're okay that Ashley got you voted off?" Noah asked, raising an eyebow.

"NO!" Leshawna exploded, causing both hosts to jump. "I got played! _Again!_ Of course I'm not okay!"

"That's two seasons in a row," Noah remarked, "Must hurt."

"Yeah, after what happened with _Alejandro-_" Leshawna said the name with as much venom as she could, "-I swore that I would keep an eye on any sweet-talkers and anyone who's too good to be true. Ashley seemed sorta weird, but in a quiet, unassuming way, you know?"

"It's always the quiet ones," Geoff commented, "I think we know who the villain is this season."

"Definitely," Noah nodded, "The girl messed with her team twice in a row."

"Twice?" Leshawna asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Mr. 3's candle castle, remember?" Geoff reminded, "It didn't just melt on its own."

The screen behind showed a frozen image of Ashley patting Red, handing him a flamethrower.

"Now that is _really _messed up," Leshawna remarked, shaking her head. "We almost died when that thing fell apart. The wind got knocked outta me when a big piece landed on my stomach!"

"At least it had a soft landing." Noah snarked, and got elbowed by Geoff.

Unfortunately, Leshawna heard him. "Ex-_cuse me? _You did not just say what I think you said!" she got up and rolled up her sleeves. "Oh, gimme me a minute and I'll show you soft, brainiac!"

Geoff quickly got between co-host and guest hastily. "Uh, speaking of brainiacs, let's hear it for our next guest, the alleged criminal mastermind who _isn't _Duncan, and the first newbie to bite the dust, it's Mr. 3!"

Mr. 3 walked out on-stage as applause, both canned and polite, filled the air. As he took his seat in the guest chair, Leshawna, after giving Noah a punch in the arm, went over and joined the Peanut Gallery of Failure.

"So how do _you _feel about being eliminated by Ashley?" Geoff asked.

"Will you stop about that?" Mr. 3 grumbled, "It's bad enough knowing my art was sabotaged by that little brat, I don't need to be reminded of it every second!" Calming down, he adjusted his glasses and said, "Besides, it's…uplifting, to know that feared my abilities enough to warrant her intervention. She said so in her confessional, I've seen."

"Well, she said something else as well," Geoff mentioned, and called, "Lights!"

_Total Drama Planet episode One Small Step For Drama;_

"_Men like Mr. 3 are both intelligent and cowardly. Intelligent and cowardly men have a tendency to see things other people miss," Ashley explained, "He had to go."_

"_Is _that _why you voted him off?" an off-screen voice asked._

"_No," Ashley answered, "His voice is also annoying."_

Mr. 3's twitched. "My voice is not annoying!" He looked around. "Is it?"

Nobody had the nerve to look Mr. 3 in the eye. In the Peanut Gallery, Cody waved his hand in that 'sort of' manner. Mr. 3 irritably crossed his arms and looked away.

"Well, if you could say something to Ashley right now," Geoff said, "What would it be?"

Mr. 3 rubbed his chin in thought. He wasn't good at this sort of thing.

Leshawna took that moment to stand up. "_I _got something to say to that little witch!" She declared boldly, and looked at the camera. "You better watch your step, pigtails, because my girl Bridgette's got your number! Don't make plans with that prize money, you ain't gettin' it!"

That got some cheers.

"Go, Leshawna!" Sierra

Then, as was the norm of all artists, inspiration struck. Smiling craftily, he held out his arm before him up to his face. Wax began to drip from his forearm.

"I hope you're enjoying yourself down there, young lady," The so-called 'criminal mastermind' said, "Because once you get eliminated, things are going to get _very _sticky…"

To emphasize this point, the wax dripping from Mr. 3's arm began to glob together, forming slightly soggy-looking skull and crossbones…with pigtails and a tiara.

"Ooh, threatening." Noah snarked.

"Um, isn't that a bit much?" Geoff asked, scratching his head. "I mean, I get if you're upset, but don't you think killing her might be…"

"I'm a criminal mastermind that was one of the top leaders of an evil organization," Mr. 3 replied, retracting the wax into his arm. "You don't want to know what I'd do to my _real _enemies."

"What?" Noah asked boredly.

Mr. 3 smiled evilly, and pushed his glasses up. The lens shined. "I would cake bodies with wax, suffocating them."

"Wow." Geoff commented, impressed.

"…Their expressions, frozen in that moment between desperation and resignation as they stop fighting and accept their fate…"

"Uh, we get the idea." Noah said.

"People years from then would look at the statues," Mr. 3 continued, really getting into it. "With no idea that the 'sculpture' is actually the most aesthetic grave, save for these words on the pedestal; _They Crossed 3_!"

The Total Drama gang was really getting worried. It looked as if Mr. 3 had put some serious thought into his 'artistic' vengeance. However, before they could voice their concern, the sound of heavy footsteps filled the air- accompanied by a buzzing noise.

"_Would you quit running!_" Eva yelled as she chased Ezekiel and Sasquatchanakwa through the studio. The two fleers (Flee-er: Those who are fleeing) knocked Mr. 3 off his chair as they passed by. Eva, still brandishing the chainsaw, carved the top half off of the chair's back, shortly followed by an arm rest as she waved it. Everyone watched, wide-eyed, as the three left.

"Do you ever wonder why Chris doesn't let Eva in the competition again?" Cody asked as Sierra clung to him.

"Nope." Trent said.

"No." Sadie said.

"No." Katie said.

"I wonder why he let her in to begin with." Justin commented.

Geoff slowly turned back to examine the damage and groaned. "Aw, man," He groaned when he saw what was left of the chair. "That's comin' out of my salary!"

Noah rolled his eyes and faced the camera. "Find out how much Geoff's pay is being docked when we return after these messages."

-TDP-

"Total Drama Planet is brought to you by the following sponsors…" A bunch of names flash by the screen. "…And viewers like you."

-TDP-

Open back to the Aftermath studio. Mr. 3 has joined Leshawna in the Peanut Gallery of Failure and Geoff has a relieved look on his face.

"Welcome back, dudes!" Geoff greeted, "First off, I've got some good news; the cost of replacing the chair Eva just broke _won't_ be coming out of my paycheck."

That got some chuckles, but not enough. Noah was actually shaking his head.

"Jeez, it's like you're becoming another Chris." The teen genius sighed.

"Hey, I'm gonna have to _live _off this cash someday," Geoff defended, "I mean, it's not like I already have oodles of cash and living in a huge mansion, being waited on hand and foot by an army of hot maids like Chris probably is."

Noah raised an eyebrow. Then, after a moment's thought, he shrugged. "Maybe he is…"

"And now, to keep you from about _that _too deeply," Geoff said to the camera, "It's time to…hear it from our peeps!" And with that Geoff pulled out a large duffle bag with a giant picture of a stamp on the side.

"Over the course of its run, Total Drama has received over two million letters, e-mails, videos and odd gifts from our beloved fanbase." Geoff explained.

"And how many of that _isn't _from Sierra?" Noah asked.

"Just this bag." Geoff admitted.

In the Peanut Gallery, Sierra giggled unashamedly.

After digging through the mail bag for a few seconds, Geoff pulled out an envelope. The party boy eyes brightened when he read the return address.

"Hey! This one's from Duncan's old juvie! Some guy named Vinnie," Geoff cried, and opened it up. He read, "'Dear Total Drama **(BLEEP)**," He paused, giving the camera an uncomfortable look. Taking a deep breath, he continued. "Why don't you give that **(BLEEP) **McLean what's coming to him? If it were me, I'd **(BLEEP) **his **(BLEEP)** and…you know what? We probably don't need to hear the rest of this."

"I think we know what he went to juvie for." Noah deadpanned.

"Well, to answer your question, Vinnie," Geoff said, "It's not that we don't _want _to get some seriously major vengeance on Chris, I mean, we've _all _thought about it, right?"

The Peanut Gallery nodded.

"Definitely."

"You said it, man."

"I made a blinding powder!"

"It's just that, wherever Chris is, big, muscular Chef Hatchet isn't too far behind," Geoff explained, "So anything more damaging than some humiliation on live TV is out of the question."

"Plus, we _did _sign contracts giving him permission to abuse us for his viewing pleasure," Noah added, "Let that be a lesson- always read your contracts _before _signing!"

"Okay, let's open up another," Geoff said, and dug out another envelope. "This one's from Irving, from the state of Indiana in the US. He writes, 'Dear Total, I have been watching your series since season 1, and one thing has always bugged me; how do they record immaterial moments like dream sequences?'"

"Wow, an intelligent question from a fan," Noah remarked, and looked up. "Better keep an eye out for flying pigs."

"Well then, why don't you answer this one, if you like it so much?" Geoff asked, smirking.

"Gladly," Noah faced the camera and said, "It's impossible to record a dream sequence, Irving. What Chris does is after each challenge, he and Chef question us on any dreams or fantasies we might have had before and during it. Then, using a combination of video editing, computer graphics imaging and having us act out new scenes, splices it all together to make the sequence."

As Noah talked, the screen behind them showed frozen images from the previous seasons. The first was one of Tyler during _Island _episode _The Big Sleep_. He was sitting on a stump, bags under his eyes, saying something to Chris. The next image was from the control room seen in _Action_. Chris was fiddling with a computer while next to him, Chef played solitary. The final image was from the _World Tour _episode _Picnic at Hanging Dork_. Here, Team Amazon were getting prepared for their rock-band scene in the _Shear the Sheep_ music number; Gwen, Heather, and Courtney were arguing over which instrument they wanted to play, while behind them, Cody was taking off his shirt and putting on the cork-hat. He was nervously glancing at Sierra, was being held back by Chef and two of the sheep.

"One more before moving on," Geoff decided, and whipped out another letter. "This one's from a mister…R.M. Statscowski of some place called Corneria. 'Dear Total Drama, after each elimination in season 1, the audition tapes for the eliminated campers would be shown on your website. However, you have shown the auditions for season 1 winner Owen and runner-up Gwen. Could make viewing those things possible for myself and many others?'

"Well, you're in luck, R.M of Corneria," Geoff said, "We have those two audition tapes right here! But first, why don't we check out how the first eliminated newbies caught Chris' eye? Lights!"

_(Audition tape #1937)_

_The video (Looking more like a black and white movie) opens with Dopey standing in front of the camera. He is standing behind a set of medieval drums in some kind ornate, rustic house._

"_Okay, Dopey," An old man's voice said off-screen, "We're rolling. Give it your best shot!"_

_Dopey nodded, and whipped out two drumsticks. With lightning fast speed, he beats out a wicked drum solo. As he prepares to strike the cymbal and finish, he realizes that something is wrong. Both sticks are missing! Just as this thought occurs, one drumstick falls down from above and knocks him into the cymbal._

_(Audition Tape # 9800)_

_Open to what looks like a moldy boiler room. Raticus slides in front of the camera, hat and cane in hand. He does a little dance before throwing both items away. He pulls out a skull (With a hook on top) and puts on a powdered wig._

"_Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well." Raticus sighed melodramatically._

_Tossing the skull and wig, he whips out a banjo and begins to play._

"_It's not ea-sy…being green…" Raticus badly sang. He stopped when his claws got caught in the strings. "Ho-hold on…"_

_Raticus tried to get his claws free, but to no avail. In his struggling, he fell and rolled towards the camera._

_Static._

_(Audtion Tape # 3339)_

_Open to Mr. 3 sitting out on the deck of a ship. In the background, a lion is trying to open a jar of pickels._

"_Hey, 3-kun!" Another voice yelled. It's probably the guy holding the camera. "C'mon, do something!"_

_Mr. 3 looks up and points in shock at the camera. "What the- You brought that with you? Why?"_

"_Check this out!" The camera guy handed Mr. 3 a paper. "A million! And all you have to do is win some stupid contest!"_

_Mr. 3 read the paper with interest. Nodding, he turned to the camera and said, "If you want cunning and cold, calculating intellect on your show, pick me. I'll show you…"_

_Before Mr. 3 could finish, a giant wave splashes into the ship, soaking him._

_Static_

"Pretty bad, huh?" Geoff asked, "And now, for the grand finale; Gwen and Owen's audition tapes! Roll it!"

Suddenly, the screen turned to static. After a second, a picture of Chris standing over a broken TV set looking apologetic appeared. The words WE ARE EXPERIENEC TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES were printed at the bottom.

Soon the regular show was back.

"Man, I can't believe Gwen let her brother talk her into _doing _that!" Geoff laughed, "That was so bad!"

"_I _can't believe Owen got picked with what _he _did," Noah commented, "Seriously, that's worse than what he does on the show _combined._"

Geoff merely chuckled. Turning back to the camera, he said, "I hope you liked watching that as much as we did, R.M., 'cause we're not showin' it again! Now, time for what I hope will be our favorite segment! Let's check in on Blainley!"

That got some shocked gasps from the audience.

"Don't worry, she's not here," Geoff assured, "Our roving reporter's on the Total Drama planet, roving and reporting on the weird and wacky places the teams might end up during the competition. And this time, we made sure she can't send someone else in her place! Check it!"

The screen lit up, showing Blainley in some kind of Technicolor swamp. The deva did not look happy as she did absent-mindedly bounced her microphone off her waist.

"Ugh, I can't _believe _they forced me out to this godforsaken hole," Blainley muttered, "Not a Starbucks or a decent salon in sight- What? We're on?" Turning to the camera, Blainley adopted her normal poise. "Hey, Total Drama gang! Blainley here, giving you an in-depth, Blainarific sneak-peek at the Total Drama planet!"

Blainley paused, expecting a huge round of applause. None came. In the Peanut Gallery, Beth munched on a cookie.

Frowning, Blainley growled, "What_ever_," Smiling again, she said, "Anyway, I'm currently in the swamp region of this planet. In this vibrant, lush…" her smile dropped again. "…fetid, moldy crapsack landfill of a swamp, a wide variety of plants and animals coexist in peace and…" A loud screech filled the air. "…Harmony."

"Must be rough." Noah commented.

"Ha, don't worry about me," Blainley chuckled cockily, "Whatever's out here couldn't be half as bad as whatever Chris is gonna fill it with for a challenge."

As Blainley talked, a faint buzzing was heard. It began to grow louder and louder, until there was no ignoring it.

"All right, _what _is that?" Blainley demanded, "I want whoever's making that noise to come out here right now!"

A green and purple blur filled the screen, and when it was gone, so was Blainley. The camera shifted up, showing Blainley being carried off by a giant insect the size of a Volkswagen bug, looking like the love child of a hornet and a prawn.

"_AAAAUUUUGHHH!_" The reporter shrieked, "_IT'S GETTING POLLEN IN MY __**HAIR!**_"

The screen turned to static. Beth, rather slowly, swallowed her cookie.

Geoff looked uncomfortable. "Well, uh, that about wraps it up for Blainley…"

"I hope she turns out all right." Sadie remarked.

"Don't worry about it," Noah said, "Blainley's still a valued television personality. I'm sure the show's producers will send out a search party when they hear she's in trouble."

"Right, so we don't have to think about it," Geoff said quickly, trying to move the subject away from Blainley's apparent demise. "In the meantime, we've got a show to do, so let's get all of the eliminated Dramanauts out here for _TRIAL OR TROGGLE!_"

Fancy game show music played as LeShawna and Mr. 3 got out of the Peanut Gallery. They walked onto the stage where five booths had set up, with Dopey and Raticus already manning two.

"Where's Zeke?" Noah asked.

-TDP-

"I'm going to cut off your arm, for crissakes!" Eva yelled up to the rafters, "I just want to see if this thing will break that chain! Get down here!"

"No!" Ezekiel whimpered, "I'll just get hurt!"

"Quit whining!"

Sasquatchanakwa grunted something.

"Oh, shut up!" Eva shot back!

-TDP-

"Okay, here's how Trivia or Troggle works," Geoff began, "We'll give each of you a task, or trial. Do well, and you'll be sending a special gift to the team of your choosing. Lie, and you'll have to spend some time in the box with…the troggle!"

"With a _what?_" Leshawna asked, raising an eyebrow.

Geoff shrugged. "Beats me. But we're keeping it in there."

Geoff pointed to a large box the size of Sasquatchanakwa. It bounced and jolted as something inside tried to break free. Everyone stared at Geoff in incredulous shock.

"Hey, if it were up to _me_, it'd be full of kittens," Geoff defended, "Or pigs. I just follow the script, man."

Noah rolled his eyes. "Yeah, let's just get this thing over with," Taking out a set of flash cards, Noah shuffled through them for a minute before picking one. "Lord, there's one for each player…okay, here's one for you, Raticus. Just catch all of the fish in the tank…barehanded."

An intern pulled in a tank full of hornet-fish on a wagon. One gave the rat an evil smile. Looking very uncertain about his future, Raticus got off his booth and walked over to the tank. After a moment's hesitation, Raticus attempted to put his hand into the tank. However, the tank was taller than he was, and the enhanced rodent couldn't even get one claw over the top!

"Little help?" Raticus called out.

Geoff, not wanting to leave a poor animal helpless and have Bridgette chew him out for it, got up and walked over behind Raticus.

"Up you go, little dude," Geoff said, picking Raticus up and holding him over the tank. "Just say when."

Raticus tenderly put one hand into the water…

CHOMP!

"YOW!" Raticus yelped as one fish bit into his hand.

"Hey don't squirm!" Geoff protested as Raticus pulled his hand out of the water and waved it desperately, trying to shake the fish free.

Unfortunately, Raticus wriggled in pain too much, slipping out of Geoff's grip…

Splash!

…And into the tank.

"Augh!" Gurgled Raticus as the hornet-fish swarmed him.

"Ah! Don't worry, I'll get you out!" Geoff cried, and plunged his hands into the frenzy.

After a minute of struggling, Geoff pulled Raticus- covered with fish biting into his fur- out of the water.

"Did I win?" Raticus asked, his voice shaking and dazed from the lack of oxygen and blood.

Geoff looked back into the tank. "Sorry, man. But there's one left."

Raticus looked, and saw one hornet-fish resting in a corner of the tank. He was wearing sunglasses, preening.

"I'm ready for my close-up!" The fish bubbled.

"Looks like you gotta make a close encounter with the troggle," Geoff apologetically, "Sorry."

Opening a window on the box's front, Geoff dumped Raticus in. Turning to Noah, he asked, "What next?"

Noah was already flipping through the cards. "No…no…no…okay, here's one for Leshawna. You ready?" He asked the ghetto girl.

Leshawna punched her palm confidently. "Bring it!"

"Defeat Psy-Crow in hand-to-hand combat."

Leshawna stared. "I have to defeat _who?_"

"Ah-ah-ah!" Psy-Crow cackled, bouncing onto the stage. "You gotta beat _me!_ Don't worry, I'll go easy on ya!"

"What's _he _doing here?" Cody asked, worried.

"Chris liked him so much he gave him a job," Trent explained, "I think it's only for this challenge, though…"

"So, what'll it be, Leshawna?" Geoff asked, "Take on the space-fiend, or take a trip to…the troggle!"

Everyone looked at the box. It wasn't shaking anymore, but a _very _deep and throaty voice emanated from it.

"Oo's a fuzzy wittle uzzums? _Oo's _a fuzzy-wuzzums!"

"St-stop it!" Raticus wailed from inside. "That ti-ti-tickles!"

Leshawna didn't even blink. "I think I'll take on bird-boy here. I do _not _want to be tickled by some space monster."

"Oh, listen to the big girl talk!" Psy-Crow mocked. If looks were thermal, Psy-crow would have been vapor. "Hey, tell ya what, tiny. I'll give ya a free hit, just show you what a nice guy I am. C'mon, gimme your best shot!"

POW! Leshawna slammed her fist right into Psy-Crow's potbelly but _good_.

"Urg…good shot…" Psy-Crow moaned, clutching his stomach. He soon fell over. "I should _not _have had all that chili for lunch…"

"Way to go, Leshawna!" Geoff said, as everyone, including him, applauded. "_That _was an _awesome _jab! Now then, which of these prizes do you want to send to which team?"

An intern wheeled in a table with several boxes on. Each box, identical in size and colored white, had a club, spade, heart, diamond and star on their sides.

"You mean I won't know what I'm picking?" Leshawna asked, dismayed.

Geoff shrugged. "Sorry, gotta keep it interesting. Viewers eat up the concept of mystery boxes."

Leshawna sighed and stared at the boxes, frowning. After a few moments, she pointed at the club box. "This one, for my boy Harold and Gwen on the Robinsons."

Geoff lifted the box's top off and pulled out a card. After reading it, he said, "Well, Leshawna, you've chosen to send _cake _to the Danger Will Robinsons!"

Leshawna blanched. "_Cake?_"

"Pound cake, to be precise," Noah explained. Looking down at Psy-Crow, he added, "Actually, that feels appropriate."

"I think I've got some internal bleeding…" Psy-Crow moaned.

A pair of interns came in and dragged Psy-Crow off. Once he was gone, Noah looked through the cards again.

"Okay, I found Mr. 3's," the snarking teen said, and looked up. "By the way, has anyone found Zeke?"

-TDP-

"I still think this is a bad idea." Ezekiel whimpered.

"Just shut up and hold still." Eva ordered.

Somehow, Eva had gotten Ezekiel and Sasquatchanakwa down from the rafters. The two cuffed ones currently had their bound arms on a table, separated as far as the chain would let them. The lady- eh, _female _bodybuilder was busy revving up her chainsaw.

Sasquatchanakwa gulped and made some noises.

"That goes for you too, fluffy." Eva growled.

-TDP-

Back in the Aftermath studio, Mr. 3 was now covered in tar and feathers. Next to him was a pile of assorted gears, springs, and pieces of odd metal.

"Dude, I can't believe you messed that up!" Geoff laughed, slapping the side of his head.

"Even _I _saw where you went wrong." Justin grinned as the rest of the Peanut Gallery sniggered.

"Hey, I thought you were a criminal _mastermind_." Trent taunted.

"Yet another reason why crime doesn't pay." Noah commented, smiling subtly.

Mr. 3 gave all of them dark glares, pulling one feather off the space between his mouth and nose.

Wiping a tear of mirth from his eye, Geoff said, "Well, you blew it. Now you've gotta spend some time in the box with…the troggle!"

Mr. 3 glanced at the box, then at the front of the Peanut Gallery where Raticus sat. The rat now had his fur tied into _hundreds _of little bows, covering every inch of his body.

"He's not so bad once you get to know him," Raticus admitted, "No sense of personal space though."

"That's _such _a relief." Mr. 3 hissed.

Before the three-haired (His hair tied to look like a three) crook could say anything else, Geoff casually shoved him into the crate.

"Ooh!" The deep and _very _throaty voice squealed, "Oo gotta _fwee_-head!"

"_Gah!_" Mr. 3 could be heard shrieking, "Personal space! Personal space!"

Geoff nodded, satisfied. "Okay, time for Dopey's challenge. Which, unless we find out where Zeke is, will be the last challenge. Noah?"

"An A+ student, and I end up reading cue cards," Noah grumbled as he shuffled through the deck. "Hold on…found it," Clearing his voice, Noah read the selected card. "Break a rock in one minute," He looked up. "Are you kidding me?"

There came a soft grinding sound as a bunch of interns rolled a giant boulder onto the stage. It was roughly the size (And spookily enough, _shape_) of Owen. One gave Dopey a sledgehammer.

Noah stared at the Owen-rock before giving Dopey a pitying look. "Lotsa luck."

"Okay, here's how we'll do it," Geoff said, taking out a stopwatch. "I'll start the timer on the first swing. Do some serviceable damage to this big guy, and win a prize for the team of your choice. So, whenever you're ready…"

Dopey, for his part, did not look dismayed at his task. He did not seem bothered by the weight of the sledgehammer (The size, of course, was another matter). If anything, he looked a bit confused as to how or why anyone could bring a giant Owen-shaped boulder into a state-of-the-art space station. Nonetheless, the dwarf rolled up his sleeves and spat into both hands, rubbing them together. Taking hold of the handle of the sledgehammer, Dopey pulled back and swung.

KER-RASH!

The boulder had been effectively split in two. There was a fair amount of tiny shards of rock surrounding it, but it was ultimately rendered twain. Applause abounded as Dopey dropped the hammer and clapped his hands together and shook them in the air like a champion.

"Okay, forget what 'Shawna did," Geoff cried, "_That _was _awesome!_"

"Man, whodathunk so much striking power could be contained in that tiny body?" Cody wondered.

"All right, now that you've avoided the troggle, which gift do you want to send to which team?" Geoff asked.

Dopey walked over to the four unopened boxes. After several moments of consideration he took the off of the club-marked box. Reaching in, he pulled out a card.

"Well, what's it say?" Geoff asked.

Dopey stared at it, and rubbed his head in confusion. Looking up, he gestured at the card and shrugged. Raising an eyerbow Geoff took the card from him.

"_Please _don't tell me he can't talk." Noah sighed.

"Maybe he's just having throat issues like I did." Justin suggested.

"It says here that you've won a football helmet." Geoff announced.

"Now _that _is going to come in handy." Trent remarked.

"With the way Chris runs things, a helmet probably won't be enough," Noah pointed out, "But yeah, it'll help."

"O-kay!" Geoff said, tossing the card aside. "One football helmet set to planetside! So, which team is it for?"

The screen lit up, showing a white jagged line down the middle of a black background. The letters VS were printed in the middle. The Robinsons' team emblem appeared on the left side of the screen.

"The Danger Will Robinsons…"

The Scotties' emblem appeared on the right side of the screen.

"…Or the Beam-Me-Up Scotties?"

Dopey tapped his chin, his face screwing up as he put some serious thought into his decision. But before he could make sort of sign that he had chosen, a furious bellow shook the studio.

"_IIIIII'VE __**HAD IT!**_"

Eva stomped her way back into the studio and sat back in the Peanut Gallery. There was so much venom in her expression that the rest of the Peanut Gallery tried to keep themselves as far from her as they could without falling out of their seats.

"Do I even want to know?" Noah asked, his muscles tensing. His left knee twitched as he contemplated running from Eva's reprise.

Ezekiel and Sasquatchanakwa poked their heads in.

"The chainsaw's broken, eh." The homeschooled kid announced.

Sasquatchanakwa held up the power tool in question. Every single tooth on the saw part was either blunt or chipped off.

Geoff stared at this display before glancing at his watch. "Well, we are now officially out of time! Which team will Dopey give his football helmet to? What happened to Blainley? And _can _we get those handcuffs off of Zeke and the yeti? The answers might be ready for you next time…on **Total Drama Planet!**"

-TDP-

In the control room, the Drama Machine stared at a monitor showing the Aftermath.

"Sarda, huh…?" Alejandro muttered.


	7. Plight on Bald Mountain

Open to Chris standing on the balcony of a building in a city like something from _Tron._

"Last time, on Total Drama Planet," Chris began, "We took our Dramanauts to a lagoon for a little fishing trip, and you should have seen the one that got away!

"Some of our competitors found the idea of a giant lagoon monster easy to swallow, especially when it was swallowing _them._

"Bridgette overheard Ashley plotting, and our final swim-off was interrupted by another of Jim's enemies, Bob the Killer Goldfish!

"In the end, the Scotties voted off Dopey, sending another TD Newb packing, a trend Bender picked up on.

"What futuristic tactics will our rambunctious robot use to keep in the game? What _is_ Ashley up to? And _where _are the green-skinned space chicks? Seriously, that's the only reason I came…!" Catching himself, he said, "Find out right now, on **Total…Drama…Planet!**"

Episode 7: Plight on Bald Mountain

One night, the Beam-Me-Up Scotties were gathered around a campfire Bender had created with one of his belches.

"I can't believe we're stuck out here _again_," Heather growled, "Why does this keep happening, people? Why do we keep _losing?_"

"AW, power down," Duncan shrugged, "So we lost this time. It's not a big deal."

"Yes, it _is _a big deal!" Heather snapped, "How come our team, which _clearly _has better people, always ends up being defeated by those loser Robinsons?"

"Gee, isn't it obvious?" Fighter asked, "Between Duncan's delinquency, Izzy nuttiness, you're bossiness, Bender's amorality, Ashley's lack of concern for anything around her, and Lindsay and I"s child-like naivety, it's a wonder why we win at all. The only members of our team who aren't completely selfish or suffering from a mental disorder are Bon Bonne and Bridgette, and she's being too freaked out by Ashley, saying that she's sabotaging our team, to do anything useful at all. The Robinsons, on the other hand, have sane, socially compatible guys like Luigi and Shantae, and Chiyo's so cute and nice that everyone else acts nice just to avoid breaking her sweet little heart."

Everyone stared at Fighter, amazed at the intelligence in his statement.

"But more likely it's the lack of swords." Fighter mused.

Duncan and Bender rolled their eyes. Heather, on the other hand, looked very thoughtful. She tapped her chin as the gears in her head turned. Meanwhile, Ashley turned to look at Bridgette, who was doing her very best not to look guilty of anything.

"Is there room for a few more?"

The Robinsons walked in on the scene. Owen, his hair still showing signs of moisture, held a bag of chips in hand, occasionally popping one in his mouth.

"Sure, the more the merrier." Bridgette said, giving a welcome wave.

The Robinsons quickly integrated themselves into the campfire circle, Gwen and Tyler taking seats next to Duncan and Lindsay respectfully.

"Hey, shouldn't you guys be living it up in a carefully controlled environment?" Bender asked.

"Owen, Tyler, and Black Mage used all of the hot water and blew out the power." Gwen explained.

Heather blinked. "Wait, your water supply and electricity are linked?"

"It's a _steam-_powered generator." Courtney sighed.

"We saw you talking on our way here," Chiyo said, "What was it about?"

Heather smiled evilly as an idea came to her. "We were just expressing our awe at the solidity you guys have."

"We were?" Fighter asked.

Heather gave him a dirty look before continuing, sweetly saying, "I mean, Harold rigged the votes in season 1 to get rid of Courtney as revenge against Duncan, Gwen stole Duncan from Courtney in season 3, and Courtney got Gwen booted off afterwards. It's amazing you guys can stand each other after all that."

An uncomfortable silence followed.

_(Confessional)_

"_Oh, I know what that witch is up to," Gwen said, "She's trying to turn us against each other so we mess up the next event. Well, it won't work!" Gwen paused, uncertain. "Will it?"_

_-TDP-_

"_Ever since season 3, I've been getting tons of emails for me to 'take Duncan back' and 'kiss and make up' with him," Courtney said peevishly, "What will it take you people to realize that I'm done with him?" Calming down, she said, "Still, if Harold and Gwen think about giving me trouble, I won't hesitate to take them down."_

_-TDP-_

"_Why did Heather have to bring that back up?" Harold groaned, "Yeah, I know what I did to Courtney back then was pretty heinous, but I think I've since paid for it. I mean, she tied a prop lamp-post around me and Duncan kept tormenting me through season 2! _Gosh!_"_

_-TDP-_

_Red scurried around the floor. "I think I left my pitchfork in here…"_

_(End Confessional)_

The comfortable silence reigned as every watched Courtney, Gwen, and Harold exchange looks.

Then Fighter said, "Oh, so it's Duncan's fault all these great friends turned against each other?"

The 'three great friends' eyes popped open as they quickly looked at Duncan, whose eyes were also popped open. Heather slapped her forehead.

-TDP-

The following day, the Dramanauts were shuttled off to yet another exotic location on the planet. "Welcome, Dramanauts, and behold," Chris said, and gestured. "_Mt. Exexexexexexexel!_"

The two teams turned around. They looked up at the massive pillar of earth that had sprung up from the ground. And up. And up. Its peak seemed to vanish into the clouds, which were also dark and stormy.

"That's…tall." Was all Luigi could say as he stared up (And up and up) in wonder.

Black Mage forced himself to look away from the mountain towards Chris and asked, "Please tell me we're here to do something _right here _at_ the bottom_ and won't have to go anywhere near the foreboding pillar of doom you've just pointed out to us?"

"Oh, Black Mage, you should know better than that," Chris chuckled, "But before I describe your challenge in detail, I have something special for the Robinsons; Gifts!"

Chris passed out two boxes. Owen took one, and upon opening it, let out a gasp of delight.

"Cake!" The hefty teen cheered, "Oh, yes!"

"_Pound _cake, to be precise." Chris clarified.

Owen had already tossed the pastry into his mouth. As he chewed, something went clink. Confused, Owen paused and reached in, pulling out a wristwatch.

"Look, a prize!" He exclaimed, "Awesome!"

"Hey! I've been looking for that!" Chef Hatchet yelled, and grabbed the watch out of Owen's hand. After wiping it off, he put it back on his wrist.

"And a football helmet." Chris said, tossing the head cover out and tossing it to the Robinsons.

Chiyo caught it, stared at it, and put it on. "Thank you, Chris-san…"

"You're welcome, Chiyo-chan." Chris replied.

"How come _they _get free stuff and we _don't?_" Heather demanded.

"Because some of us _aren't _total jerks." Gwen replied, taking great joy from Heather's anger.

"What_ever_," Heather growled, looking away. "As if I wanted some crappy yard-sale junk…"

"If I can get us back on track…" Chris interrupted, annoyed, "I said, behold! Mt. Exexexexexexexel!"

"We 'beholded' it already," Duncan shrugged, "What do you want us to do, climb it?"

Chris merely grinned. A very numb feeling went up through the Dramanauts. DJ fainted.

"You're not serious, are you?" Shantae asked, shocked. "Look at that thing! It's huge!"

"Now, now, I never said you had to climb _all _the way up," Chris said, holding his hands. "You just gotta go about halfway up."

"Halfway? That doesn't sound so bad." Bridgette commented.

Bon Bonne nodded, going, "Babuu!"

"So…where do you suppose halfway is?" Gwen asked, shielding her eyes from the sun as she looked up the mountain.

"See that part where it vanishes into the heavens?" Chris directed, "Halfway's right about there."

Everyone groaned. DJ, just as he was regaining consciousness, fainted again.

"To help with your climb, here are some rope and rock picks," Chris continued as Chef passed these items out to each team. "You'll know you've reached the halfway point when the air starts to thin out. Chef and I will meet you there."

"Meet us there?" Lindsay asked, "Does this mean you're climbing too?"

"Unless they put an elevator in the mountain." Bender commented.

It was at that moment a loud 'Ding!' was heard, and a door opened up on the mountainside. The teams stared in shock as Chris and Chef boarded the elevator.

"Have fun." Chris said as a farewell.

The teams could only glare at the mountain in annoyance for all things Chris-related as the elevator doors closed.

**Danger Will Robinsons**

Owen gasped as he climbed. Reaching a ledge, he felt around for a grip. Taking hold of a rock, the hefty teen pulled himself up. Once this strenuous chore had been completed, Owen lay flat on his back huffing and puffing, desperately trying to put wind back in his sails.

"How…huff…much..huff…_further?_" Owen heaved.

"Well, you only went twelve feet," Shantae said, rolling her eyes. "So, we've only got several _thousand miles _left to climb."

Owen, still on his back, looked up at the mountain. He looked back down the ledge he climbed at his team. Groaning, he fell back.

"Jim, you've got a rocket," Courtney said, looking up at the super hero. "Let's just fly up."

Jim rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Yeah, the rocket. Funny story about that…"

_(Flashback!)_

_Chris walked up to Jim as the worm wipe-cleaned his pocket rocket._

"_Hey Jim, that's a pretty cool ride you got there." Chris complimented._

"_Isn't it, though?" Jim asked, "It came with the suit."_

"_That's convenient," Chris noted, and asked, "Mind if I give it a try?"_

"_Sure, go ahead." Jim agreed, stepping back._

_Chris wasted no time getting on. Within seconds Jim was left with a trail of exhaust going up into the sky._

_(End flashback!)_

"…And he hasn't given it back yet." Jim finished.

Courtney groaned. "Well, we'll just have to…"

"Don't say relay," Gwen interrupted, "Just _don't._"

"What?" Courtney asked, affronted.

"There is no way I'm letting you talk me into relay, just so you can harp and nag at my so-called 'bad form' _again_." Gwen said firmly.

"I do not _nag!_" Courtney protested, getting annoyed. "I only use constructive criticism to promote a more efficient game and a better way of living."

"Is _that _what you call it?" Gwen asked sarcastically, "Forget law school, you should be a used car salesman- woman."

Courtney's angry retort was cut off by Harold, who said, "Worry not! _I _will get us up this mountain! I have all the skills needed thanks to my time at Mountain Steve's Mountaineering Camp!"

"'Mountaineering Camp'?" Courtney repeated incredulously, "Are you kidding me?"

"Yeah, how many camps did this Steve guy set up?" Gwen asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yo!"

The Robinsons looked up. On a ledge much, much higher than the one Owen bravely climbed, Tyler looked down. He didn't even look winded.

"You guys comin' or what?" Tyler asked.

_(Confessional)_

"_You know, I wasn't worried when Chris told me we'd be mountaineering for the challenge," Tyler explained, "I'm like, a wiz at rock-climbing thanks to my wicked-strong fingers."_

_(End Confessional)_

**Beam-Me-Up Scotties**

The Scotties currently making better progress than the Robinsons were. One of the advantages of having less members on a team was that it meant less people to worry about. It helped that most of them, namely Fighter, Duncan, and Bridgette, were athletes.

_(Confessional)_

"_Yeah, it'd be a long haul, but I've tons of climbing experience," Duncan bragged, filing his nails with his knife. "The kind you get climbing over prison walls, of course."_

_(End Confessional)_

The mechanical muscles of Bender and Bon Bonne allowed them to keep up as well, especially Bon Bonne. While not as fast a climber as everyone else, the fact that the pirate baby could effectively dig his fingers into the solid rock with no effort on his part meant that all Bon Bonne had to do was keep going up. Lindsay, lacking any sort of physical ability, simply sat on Bon Bonne's head, gripping his horns.

"This is fun," the ditzy girl noted, "It's like riding a pony at the petting zoo!"

Heather and Izzy were also able to keep up. Izzy, in fact, was not only able to keep up, but also down, left, right, and diagonally. The crazed red-head kept getting distracted by various things on the mountain, and would often go off on her own to 'investigate.'

"Look!" Izzy at one point cried, "Someone put a pogo-stick in the mountain!"

BOOM!

"My mistake…just some dynamite."

But even stranger than Izzy was Ashley. The witch would just remain at the bottom of the pack, not moving an inch, even as everyone else went up. Then, just as soon as she was out of sight, they would find her waiting for them on the next ledge up.

"How does she keep _doing _that?" Bridgette wondered aloud, looking up as Ashley looked down on them. She was so busy looking up that she didn't notice the rock she holding onto breaking off. "Gah!"

Bridgette fell- fell right into Bon Bonne's outstretched palm.

"Babuu?" Bon Bonne asked.

"You should be more careful, Bridgette," Lindsay admonished, waving a finger. "It's dangerous up here."

"I'll…keep that in mind." Bridgette said, somewhat shaken from her near-plummet. She did something stupid and looked down. Upon realizing the great distance that was now between the Scotties and the ground, she felt her stomach tighten. Then she felt Bon Bonne's grip tighten.

Bon Bonne, acting with completely helpful intentions, threw Bridgette up the rest of the way.

"I coulda climbed!" Bridgette yelled as she went flying.

**Danger Will Robinsons**

The Robinsons' progress, though steady, was a bit slower than the Scotties. This was mostly due to the fact that had to stop and let Owen and Chiyo, the least physically fit of the team, pause and catch their breath. Tyler, meanwhile, kept shooting up the mountain like a human fly, to the point that the Robinsons lost track of him several.

"I can't believe he's good at his." Gwen commented, watching Tyler effortlessly make his way up.

"Isn't that a good thing?" Shantae asked, near where Gwen was.

"Yeah, but this is Tyler we're talking about, _Tyler_," Gwen said, "He once tripped over his feet at _thumb wrestling._"

"Ouch," Shantae winced, shaking her head. "That bad, huh?"

"Like you wouldn't believe…"

Other Robinsons were also marveling at Tyler's unexpected skill at climbing.

"Well, I guess he'd have to be good at _something_." DJ remarked to Courtney. He noticed that Courtney wasn't paying attention to him or the mountain. "What's up?"

"I'm keeping an eye out for flying pigs," Courtney answered, "Let me know if you see one."

Below her, Owen sniggered, before his gut began to churn. "Oh…thunder in the mountain!"

A soft PRRRT sounded off, but not from Owen. Confused, the fat teen looked around and saw…a pig with wings sticking out of its back, slowly gliding in the air. It glanced at Owen and went oink as he stared fish-faced at it.

_(Confessional)_

"_Fugam sus," Chris said, "Otherwise known as the flying pig. These air-born hogs, thanks to a highly complex bowel system, are able to propel themselves through the air at a speed of thirty miles per hour, using their cherubic wings to steer. Just one of the many interesting species discovered here on the Total Drama Planet."_

_(End Confessional)_

The pig flew over to where Black Mage was. Irritated at its flatulent propulsion method, the evil wizard took out a knife. Once the flying pig was close enough, he jammed the blade into the flying pig.

KABOOM!

When the smoke cleared, Black Mage's robes were covered in soot and scorch marks. His hat ad become disheveled, and his eyes were unfocused.

_(Confessional)_

"_Why would it _explode?_" Black Mage howled, "It's a pig! Pigs do not _explode!_"_

_-TDP-_

"_Despite being the size of normal Earth pigs, the flying pigs are only one-tenth their weight," Chris explained, "This is due to their bodies being filled with lighter-than-air gasses- _flammable _gasses." He chuckled evilly._

_(End Confessional)_

**Beam-Me-Up Scotties**

On another ledge, Bender grabbed Heather's hand and pulled her up.

"Up ya go!" The robot said.

"You're Mr. Helperbot all of a sudden," Heather commented, dusting herself off. "What's the scam?"

"Scam? Why, there's no scam," Bender said in a completely sincere tone, "I'm always ready to help my cherished teammates."

"Yeah, right." Duncan snorted, casually carving a skull onto a small tree.

"Name one moment when I wasn't completely helpful." Bender challenged.

Duncan rolled his eyes. "Well…"

_(Flashback!)_

"_Inexplicably-placed sinking hole!" Fighter yelled as he sank into the ground at the hub._

_Bender didn't look up from his crossword puzzle book. "Sure, got it. Hey, what's a four-letter word for 'to give assistance?'"_

"_HELP!"_

_(Second Flashback!)_

"_The cows are burying me alive!" Fighter yelled as the Killer Cows from Outer Space went at him with shovels._

_Bender was too busy bending a cowbell into a ball. "Whatever…"_

_(Another flashback!)_

"_Quicksand!" Fighter yelled as the desert consumed him._

_Bender casually emptied sand out from his arm. "Well, don't take too long."_

_(One more flashback!)_

"_Plague of locusts!" Fighter yelled as a buzzing black cloud chased him._

_Bender, lying out in a folding chair with his eye shield down, snored._

_(End of the flashbacks!)_

Bender rolled his eyes. "Oh, those don't count. They're barely flukes, if anything. Normally, I am a completely helpful robot full of futuristic technology that _any _team would love to have!"

"Uh-huh, _suuuure,_" Duncan shrugged, "What can you do besides drink beer?"

"Plenty!" Bender shot back, and said, "Watch!"

Bender's legs telescoped out, pushing the rest of his metal body up into the air until he towered over Bon Bonne. Once he had established the telescopic abilities of his limbs, Bender then took off his head and spun it around on his finger, humming the Globetrotters' theme. Is head rolled across his shoulders onto his other hand and back again, upon which he seamlessly refitted it back into its slot. Opening up his chest cabinet, Bender took out three white balls and began to juggle them.

"That's…not bad, actually." Duncan admitted.

"Can we get going, already?" Heather asked impatiently.

_(Confessional)_

"_Bender is the next to go if we lose again," Heather stated, "Not only does he make as many crude comments as Duncan does, but his stupid 'fire-burps' almost set fire to my hair! _Twice!_"_

_-TDP-_

"_My plan to remain in this game is as simple as it is elegant," Bender confided, "Step one; become an irreplaceable resource, which I believe I have done just that. Step 2 is to form an alliance with one of the stronger players. But who, you may ask, is a strong player?"_

_It was at that moment that Izzy burst out from Bender's chest cabinet, shocking the robot._

"_Whoa! It is so _roomy!_" Izzy said quickly, "It's like whoever built doesn't _care _about the laws of physics! Better watch out, or I'll have the physics police on you!" She laughed. "Naw, I'm just kidding. I would _never _rat out a teammate. I'd wait until after one of us were eliminated."_

_Bender narrowed his eyes at her. "Listen you, stay outta my…" He trailed off and began to chuckle slyly as an idea came to him. "So tell me…Izzy, was it? Do you, y'know, have any voting preferences…?"_

_(End Confessional)_

**Danger Will Robinsons**

"How…much…higher?" Chiyo asked, panting. Her cute little cheeks were turned red her tongue was hanging out like a cute little Pekinese dog, and even her cute little pigtails were drooping.

Gwen looked up…and up…and up…and _**up…**_

"Whoa!" DJ cried, catching Gwen almost fell over, "Careful."

"Sorry," Gwen muttered, shaking her head. "Just a little vertigo…"

"Doesn't anyone find the level of oxygen at this altitude a bit confusing?" Harold asked, "I mean, the higher you go, the thinner the air gets, doesn't it?"

"Is there a reason we should care?" Black Mage asked, reaching into his robes.

"Well, _obviously_, there is, gosh!" Harold retorted irritably. He didn't notice Black Mage pulling out a dagger, nor did he notice DJ restrain him. "The thinner the air gets, the harder it is to breath. And yet, not one of us is having trouble breathing."

A loud gasping and heaving called Harold's attention. Turning their heads, DJ, Black Mage, Gwen and Harold looked to see Earthworm Jim, Luigi, and Courtney try to pull Owen up onto the ledge. The chubby teen was sweating bullets, his face turning blue, and he continually made sounds like bicycle pump pushing air through an inner tube with a large hole and a poorly-done patch.

"And you want that to happen to us, do you?" Black Mage asked, subtly slipping out of DJ's grip.

"Well, it would make more sense…" Harold admitted.

A moment later, he was down on the ground with a knife sticking out of his head.

**Beam-Me-Up Scotties**

The Scotties were once again making their way the mountain, this time taking a series of ledges that seem to zig-zag up the mountain wall. Heather, trailing just behind Fighter, took one moment to look back down. Big mistake. As she tried to stave off the feeling of vertigo, Fighter stopped and looked out.

"Wow, would you look at this view!" He exclaimed, "We're so _high up!_"

"Shut up, Fighter." Heather hissed, shuddering.

"I don't think _anyone's _been this high up before," Fighter continued, "You can't even see what the ground looks like! And you _especially _can't see the little specks who would be people if you were looking at them from a high cliff that wasn't as high as this one!"

"Shut _up_, Fighter." Heather said in a pleading tone. She would've gone around him, but the path was just too narrow.

"I bet if you fell from here, you'd probably pass from boredom before even hitting the ground!" Fighter theorized excitedly.

"FIGHTER, WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND MOVE?" Heather screamed.

_(Confessional)_

"_What I hate most about this show, besides the utterly stupid teammates is the fact that we're always going up huge cliffs," Heather commented, "It's like Chris has this 'thing' about trying to give us acrophobia in each episode."_

_-TDP-_

"_What I like best about this show, besides all the new and interesting people we meet, it's all the new and interesting places we go to," Fighter said, "It's like Chris has this 'thing' about using a different location for each episode."_

_(End Confessional)_

Higher up from where Fighter and Heather were, Bender, Bridgette and Izzy were engaged in a little shop talk.

"I think it's _so _cool that you're from the future, Bender," Izzy chattered, "What's it like? I figure you could proofread me a little.

"Proofread?" Bridgette asked.

Izzy nodded eagerly. "At my aunt's Y2K party, I made a buttload of predictions on what's gonna happen in the future. Some haven't really worked out, but now I can find out whether or not I'm really psychic or was just too buzzed on caffeine!"

Bender rolled his eyes and kept going.

_(Confessional)_

"_One of the biggest problems with being from the future is all the groupies," Bender complained, "They're all, 'Hey, Bender! What's gonna happen next year?' 'Which team will win the superbowl?' and 'Oh, Bender! I'm about to go broke! Which company should I buy stock in?' I got my own problems, so leave me alone!"_

_(End Confessional)_

As they kept going, Izzy kept spouting one inane prediction after another. Bender kept silent more or less, and any replies he gave were short and succinct.

"So, first I thought that we might develop a way to harness cheese into a reusable resource…"

"Nope."

"…And that mice are gonna rise up against human experimentation…"

"That wouldn't be so bad…" Bridgette mumbled.

"Think again." Bender replied.

"Oh! Oh! And that aliens are gonna wipe us out cause we cancelled their favorite show!"

"_That's _gonna happen." Bender admitted.

"You're kidding." Bridgette said, gaping. It was strange enough finding out that Izzy was actually right about something was jarring enough, but it had to be something that sounded really _stupid…_

"But don't worry," Bender assured in a gloating tone, "Me and my friends will save the day with a daring plan _I _came up with."

"Oh…good." Bridgette mumbled, not sure what to say. For some reason, Bender's words didn't put her at ease.

**Danger Will Robinsons**

The Robinsons had made it up to another ledge, and as usual, Tyler was already on his way up to the next one.

"I know Tyler's excited about being good at something for once," Gwen said, "But would it kill him to wait for the rest of us?"

DJ cupped his hand over his mouth and yelled, "Tyler! Slow down!"

Not a moment after Luigi had spoken when a faint snap was heard from above. Tyler, yelling, fell down onto the ledge the rest of the Robinsons. One hand was clutching a broken branch.

"He said _slow _down, Tyler." Gwen said.

Earthworm Jim bent down and put Tyler back on his feet. "That's what you get for rushing ahead! It's dangerous up here, you know!"

"Does anyone hear a cracking noise?" Black Mage asked, looking at the bottom of his robes. His words were ignored.

Tyler shook his head, still dazed from his fall. "Sorry…"

Luigi noticed something and walked up the mountain wall Tyler had climbed. "Hmmm… Hey, check this out."

The Robinsons quickly gathered around where Luigi was, with Jim and Owen stuck in the back.

"What the heck are these little holes?" Courtney asked, bewildered.

"They almost look like…_fingerprints._" Shantae suggested, disbelieving.

"They can't be fingerprints," Black Mage scoffed, "You'd have to have some kind of absurd strength to make those kind of dents in rock with your fingers, and we all know Jim hasn't been near this part of the mountain."

"Hey, _I've _got wicked finger strength!" Tyler spoke up.

"_You _did this?" Harold asked, awed.

"Heck, yeah!"

"Gosh…"

Owen, from his place at the rear, leaned in for a better look. Unfortunately, this meant he ended up leaning on Black Mage, who didn't' like the feeling of a sweaty, bloated belly pressing down on him shoulders.

"Watch it, tubby." Black Mage growled, and pushed Owen back.

Owen, his balance thrown off, fell on his rump with a thud. The force of his impact caused the already weakened ledge to crack up, however…

"What's that noise…?" DJ wondered, turning his head. He turned pale when he saw the ground begin to give away. He gave a shrill shriek before yelling, "_Climb! Now!_"

The rest of the Robinsons were confused by this statement until they saw what the matter was. Yelling frantically, they scrambled up the mountain wall as quickly as they could manage, some trying to climb over others…

…Except for Jim and Owen, still stuck in the back. Unable to reach the cliff face in time, they fell, shrieking all the way.  
Meanwhile, the other Robinsons had reached the next ledge in record time.

"That was close," Tyler gasped, "Is everybody okay?"

Black Mage looked over the ledge. The sight of Jim and Owen plummeting to their deaths brought an unseen smile to his face.

"In a few minutes, we'll be better than ever." The evil wizard grinned malevolently. The other Robinsons looked over to see he was talking about.

As Jim and Owen, clinging to each other fell down to certain doom, the top of Jim's backpack opened up. Something green reached out and stuck onto the side of the mountain, and as Jim and Owen continued to fall, it began to stretch out. Soon enough, the substance began to tighten as it was stretched out further, until…

SPRRROOINNNGGG!

Like a rubber band launched by a bore high school student, the green stuff snapped back, sending Jim and Owen flying up the mountain faster than they were falling down it. The Robinsons gaped open-mouthed at their accelerated ascent.

"…I knew that would happen." Black Mage commented.

"…You _so _did not." Gwen retorted.

**Beam-Me-Up Scotties**

The Scotties were no longer walking up a mountain path. They were currently climbing up the mountainside, this time by a strange white substance that strewn about. Bender was busy regaling them with more 'tales of the future'.

"…And that's the story of how I became supreme ruler of the Earth for a few weeks." Bender finished.

"So, you only took over because everyone else left?" Duncan asked, smirking.

"Hey! I don't give personal interpretations to _your _epic conquests!" Bender snarled, "Shut up!"

Duncan shrugged. "Whatever."

The delinquent tried to go up another strand of white stuff, only to find that his hand had become stuck. After a few tries, he managed to pull it loose.

"What the heck _is _this stuff?" Duncan asked, half-complaining.

Lindsay, once again riding Bon Bonne, gently poked some of the stuff. "I dunno, but it sure is sticky. Ewww, I hope I don't get any in my hair! It would take _hours _wash out!"

Bridgette looked up and down at the parts of the strange substance that seemed to be spread out in odd patterns.

"It almost looks like a big spider's web…" She murmured.

"It _is _a spider's web." Ashley reported as she passed Bridgette.

"What makes you say that?"

"The spider."

"What spider?"

Ashley pointed down. "That one."

Everyone looked down. At the bottom of the web was a giant spider, roughly the size, shape, and judging from the way its eyes were narrowed, temperament of Chef. It was scrambling up at them, making furious rasping clicks.

"Why didn't you mention that earlier, you rotten…!" Heather began to yell when she realized that Ashley was nowhere in sight.

The Scotties looked around frantically, and upon looking up, saw Ashley looking down at them from the next ledge.

"How does she keep _doing _that?" Bridgette asked. An angry clicking reminded her of the situation at hand.

Whatever difficulty the rest of the Scotties had with navigating the webbings were quickly shunted aside as their survival instincts kicked in, and they shot up the web with great speed.

"THE SPIDERS ARE COMING!"

Except for Fighter, who flailed and writhed uncontrollably, as if he had already been caught.

"SWORDS, THOUGH SHINY THEY MIGHT BE, CANNOT STAND AGAINST THE DOOM THAT THE CHILDREN OF ARACHNIA SPELL IN THEIR SINISTER TAPESTRIES!" He raved, "LO, THEIR CONFUSING PATTERNS ARE BUT TRAPS TO LURE IN THE WEAK AND EASILY DISTRACTED, FOR IN THOSE TRAPS ARE CERTAIN DEATH, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE ALLERGIC…"

As Fighter carried on, Bon Bonne reached over and took hold of him with his right fist. The pirate baby slammed Fighter's head into the mountain several times before checking to see if the warrior was still conscious. Once he was sure that Fighter was out cold, Bon Bonne then _threw _the idiot the rest of the way.

_(Confessional)_

"_Some guy in a white coat told me I have arachnophobia, which is silly," Fighter commented, rubbing the bump sticking out of his red hair. "I'm sick, spiders just scare me."_

_(End Confessional)_

Up on the mountain, much higher up than where either team was, was a wide cliff. The mountain wall opened up, and out came Chris and Chef Hatchet.

"That had to be the longest elevator ride _ever,_" Chris complained, "Seriously, couldn't whoever had installed it could put in a turbo boost or something?"

Chef shrugged, and began to set up a barbecue. They still had a few hours until one of the teams showed up, which was more than enough time to cook up a good batch of ribs for lunch…

"Wait, do you hear something?" Chris asked, looking around.

Chef looked up from the grill he was attempting to lit and scanned the area. He _could _hear a faint noise, almost like a pair of voices screaming…

That was when Jim and Owen rose up in front of the cliff, clinging to each other.

"AAAAH- Hey, we're here!" Owen realized when he felt the force of their rise slow as they reached the apex of their ascent.

Jim also realized this. "Why, so we are! And look! Chris and Chef, here to welcome us! Hello there!"

As Owen and Jim cheerfully waved to a really weirded out Chris and Chef, they soon realized that Newton's Law of Gravity kicking in; what goes _up_ must go _down. _Their screams making a triumphant comeback, the pair plummeted back down, soon vanishing from sight.

After a moment, Chris and Chef looked over the ledge.

_(Confessional)_

"_It took us over an hour, but we found Jim and Owen on another ledge up," Chiyo said, no longer wearing the helmet, "Of course, it took us fifteen minutes to revive them…"_

_(End Confessional)_

**Danger Will Robinsons**

"So, how do ya feel?" Luigi asked as he steadied Owen, "You think you can walk on your own?"

"Cranberries are good in the fall…" Owen muttered. Not far from where he stood were two imprints in the ground, shaped like him and Jim in spread-eagle.

Jim, meanwhile, was doing a better job of shrugging off pain. "Well, I have good news, anyway. I think we won't have that far to go. Owen and I saw Chris just before gravity reared its ugly head. And once the little birdies go away, we can hop to it!"

Black Mage glared at a group of birds that looked like deformed parakeets and yelled, "You heard him, beat it."

Sniffing, the birdies flew off.

As the Robinsons prepared to begin the climb again, Chiyo noticed a pair of eyes peeking out from under the lid of Jim's backpack.

"Uh, Jim-_san_, what's that?" Chiyo asked awkwardly.

"What's what?" Jim asked, looking around.

"There are…_eyes_…in your backpack…" Chiyo told him hesitantly.

Jim screwed his face up in thought as he considered the underage college student's words. Then, he snapped his fingers as the answer came to him, smiling. Reaching into his backpack, he pulled out what looked like a basketball glob of green goo with eyes and a dopey smile on its face.

"You mean _this _little guy?" Jim asked, "This is Snot! He's lived in my backpack since the day I got my suit!"

Chiyo smiled uncertainly at the grinning green blob. She wasn't sure what to say…

"Hey! What's the hold up, guys?" Courtney demanded, walking up behind Jim. "We need to get moving or we're going to lose this challenge!"

"I was just showing Chiyo here my pet booger," Jim explained, turning around. He held Snot up to Courtney's face. "Isn't he cute?"

Courtney's expression could only be described as a combination of revulsion and emotional turmoil.

Then Snot licked her.

Instantly, Courtney's face froze into a state of shocked neutrality.

-TDP-

The view switched to that of a far off shot of the mountain.

"_**!**_"

The entire setting shook as various flying creatures bid a hasty retreat from the mountain.

**Danger Will Robinsons**

"It licked me! It licked me!" Courtney screeched as she ran around in circles, "It's disgusting, gunky, slimy and green and it _licked me!_"

"_Now _what?" Luigi asked, staring.

Tyler thought, tapping his chin as he looked between the hysterical former CIT and the earthworm-holding green blob.

Snapping his fingers, the wannabe jocked said, "Ohhh, right! Courtney doesn't like green, slimy stuff!"

"Really?" Gwen asked, raising an eyebrow. "I thought that was just jell-o. Wow."

Hearing this, Jim quickly put Snot back in the backpack, saying, "Maybe you should sit this one out, little fella."

While DJ tried to calm Courtney down, the rest of the Robinsons huddled.

"So, what do we do about Courtney…" Shantae began to say when the bossy girl's shrill wails were suddenly cut off.

Looking up from their huddle, they saw Courtney lying flat on her face, with a dagger sticking out of her back. Black Mage stood over her.

"_What!_" He demanded irritably.

"Dude!" DJ yelled angrily, "Would you stop with the _stabbing? _It's getting old, man!"

"Well, I'm sorry," Black Mage huffed, "But am I the only one concerned with this team's safety?" He paused. "Well, some of this team's safety," Another pause. "Okay, just mine."

Gwen rolled her eyes. "Whatever. What was that about safety?" She asked as DJ and Luigi attempted to treat Courtney.

"We're pretty high up on a mountain peak selected by Chris, and Courtney was getting pretty loud," Black Mage explained. While he was talking, small pebble fell on his hat. He didn't notice it, nor did he notice the Robinsons looking up. "If she kept screaming, she probably would've triggered an avalanche. I'm surprised a rock slide didn't happen yet anyway…"

CRASH! CRUN-CRUNCH!

Everyone stared at the pile of rocks that lay where Black Mage once stood.

"That'd be tragic if it happened to someone else." Gwen noted.

There were mutters of agreement.

-TDP-

Up at the finish point, Chris lay back on a reclining beach chair, casually filing his nails. Not far away from was Chef, working hard at the grill.

"…So, her _twin _suddenly shows up at the restaurant," Chris was saying, "And claims _she's _the one who had the date with me, and the other girl impersonated her."

"Dang," Chef said, "Sounds like something outta soap opera! So, what'd ya do?"

"Only thing I could do," Chris said, "Stood up, held out my hand and said, 'Check, please!'"

Chef sniggered, and before Chris could call him on this, a soft THUNK caught their ears. Looking out towards the ledge, they saw one of Bon Bonne's hands gripping it, shortly followed by the other hand. Then Lindsay's head popped p, looking around.

Spotting Chris and Chef, she looked down and said, "Here they are!" and daintily hopped onto the ledge.

As Bon Bonne slowly pulled himself up, Bender came up next, and began to deftly pull every other Scotty onto the ledge.

"Welcome, Scotties!" Chris greeted, clapping his hands as he walked to them. "Congratulations on being the first team up. We'll start the next portion of the challenge when the Robinsons show up, but until then, please help yourselves to a lovely rib barbecue banquet that Chef has graciously cooked just for you."

Chris gestured to a picnic table, where the banquet in question has indeed been set up. A large platter of ribs had been placed in the middle, while plates were placed all around it. Ashley unfolded a napkin onto her lap.

Chris blanched. "Where'd she come from!"

"Dude, don't ask." Duncan said, walking past the host.

As the rest of the Robinsons went to take their places at the table, Bridgette stood in front of Chris, looking uncomfortable.

"Um, Chris…" She began.

"Yes, Bridgette," The host sighed, rolling his eyes. "I'm well aware that you're a vegetarian who doesn't eat meat. And no, we have not prepared a salad. But, just to show what a nice guy I am, you can have this apple I snagged from this morning's breakfast fruit basket."

Chris pulled the fruit from his pocket and casually tossed it to the veggo(1). Bridgette caught it, fumbling for a moment. Regarding it and Chris, she shrugged, and lifted it up to her mouth to eat. That's when the sound rang out.

THUD.

Bridgette looked up.

THUD.

The Scotties looked up from the as-of-yet uneaten ribs, except for Ashley. She reached over for one.

THUD.

Chris and Chef looked to the entrance for the elevator. That's where the sound was coming from. The two exchanged meaningful looks before Chef picked up a rolling pin and began to inch towards the doors. Once he was close enough, he raised the weapon to strike at whatever was in there.

POW!

A fist shot through the door, hitting Chef square in the nose. As the big scary black man was sent flying, the doors to the elevator opened, and Earthworm Jim poked his head out.

"Hah!" The superhero exclaimed triumphantly, "Touchdown!" Stepping out, he looked back into the elevator and said, "We're here, guys!"

One by one, the rest of the Robinsons poured out, each voicing their thanks at finally reaching their destination, and complaining about the long climb. Owen, the last one out, had difficulty getting through the opening.

"Thank _god _we're here…"

"I think I've got blisters on my blisters…"

"Hey! Ribs!"

"Hold it," Chris said, stepping in front of the new arrivals before they could converge on the table. "What were you doing in there?"

"A landslide opened up the shaft for your elevator," Shantae explained, "We just climbed up the cable."

"But did elevator was in your way," Chris said, frowning. "How did you...?" A horrified look came upon his face. "You didn't."

"We found a trapdoor," Luigi put in, "But it was stuck. Now about those ribs…"

"Well, they _were_ for the firs team up, but since you got here before they could actually start eating them…" Chris grinned as an evil idea came to him. "I guess it's just gonna have to be first come, first served!"

There was a mixed amount of cheers and boos from the Robinsons and Scotties respectively, but the loudest cry came from Owen, still stuck in the elevator doors.

"_YEAH! Ribs, baby! __**Woo-hoo!**_" The fat teen whooped, and tried to break free. Much to his embarrassment, he realized that he was stuck but good. "Um, little help?"

Nobody heard him over the sounds of eating and competing to keep eating.

"Mm, ribs!"

"Hey! Those were mine!"

"You heard Chris! First come, first served!"

"Dudes, seriously! I'm stuck!" Owen cried, fidgeting. Unfortunately, the elevator would not release the death grip it had on his fat. "Anyone?" Owne could only watch in horror as the pile of ribs quickly diminished. "Come on, man! Throw me a friggen bone, here!"

_(Confessional)_

"_It was awful!" Owen sobbed, "I didn't want to watch, but I couldn't take my eyes away! No challenge conceived by Chris would ever be as torturous as that!"_

_(End Confessional)_

"You people are _monsters!_" Owen wailed, "Cold, inhuman _monsters!_"

The 'snack break' was now over, Chef had recovered, and Owen was now free of his bind. Unfortunately, not one rib had been left over. The Dramanauts that had eaten were quite hungry.

The teams followed Chris into a cave leading deep into the mountain.

"If Owen's done being a baby…" Chris began.

"I'm not!"

"I can tell you about the next half of your challenge," Chris continued, ignoring Owen. "You've successfully climbed up a mountain. Now, what comes next?"

The teams exchanged looks, wondering where Chris was going with this.

"Let me give you a hint," Chris said, "What goes up… Anyone?"

"Can go up even more?" Tyler guessed.

"Ehn! Wrong!" Chris buzzed.

"Can fly?" Lindsay suggested.

"Wrong again!"

"Ooh, I know!" Fighter cried, bouncing on his heels. "What goes up, must get really tired from lack of oxygen?"

"Down, people!" Chris cried, "What goes up, must go _down!_ You're goal, which completing first will win the challenge, is to get back to the bottom of the mountain."

"Surely you're not serious." Black Mage said.

"I _am _serious," Chris retorted good-naturedly, "And don't call me Shirley."

Eventually, Chris led the Dramanauts into a large room. At his direction, they all crowded into the center.

"Okay, but we're inside the mountain now," Heather pointed, "How do we get down? Fall down a hole or something?"

"Mayyybe." Chris grinned evilly.

It was then that the teams realized that while they were standing on a gigantic bulls-eye painted on the floor…while Chris was still standing at the room's entrance. As comprehension dawned, Chris pulled a lever on the wall, causing the floor to fall into an incline. Shrieking, screaming, and yelling in surprise and shock, the Dramanauts slid down into the darkness, out of sight.

"First one to the bottom wins for their team!" Chris yelled after them.

_(Confessional)_

"_The part I love best would be the moment of realization before impact." Chris admitted._

_(End Confessional)_

Rather than falling down an asinine pit, the teams found themselves tumbling down an elaborate giant slide, with various curves, forks, and other twists and turns. There were loops, bumps, and

And the ride wasn't a whole slide, either. The forks divided the Dramanauts up, mixing them into bizarre, normally unforeseen combinations.

"You know, I liked it better when he bragged about how we were going to suffer!" Luigi yelled.

Next to him, Duncan asked, "You too, huh?"

Some Dramanauts ended up in combinations more painful than others. Black Mage personally enjoyed watching Bon Bonne crush Bender as they hit a tight corner- only to squawk out in pain as they then hit an _opposing _corner. Black Mage, unlike Bender, was not made of a durable metal. Fighter ended up going down a different route than Heather, much to the mean girl's relief at being freed from his stupidity- only to feel a migraine come on when Gwen came out of nowhere and bumped into her.

"Hey! Watch where you're going, weird goth girl!" Heather spat.

"Hey, I'm not enjoying this anymore than you!" Gwen shot back.

Before the bickering could really get going, both girls fell through a trapdoor. Meanwhile, the rest of the Dramanauts kept up their wild ride down the mountain slide. Whoever had designed the entire set up must have taken a page from MC Escher's design book, as some of the paths the Dramanauts went down looked down right confusing on paper, and felt even more distorting to ride on. The only people not showing signs of nausea were Fighter, Tyler, Lindsay, Izzy, andOwen, who were having the time of their lives, ("It's more fun if you hold your arms in the air!" Izzy yelled as she passed Courtney and Luigi on a separate track) and Ashley, who showed no emotions whatsoever. The little witch just kept sliding down with a neutral expression on her face.

-TDP-

Heather and Gwen fell out from the ceiling into a giant glass box, with holes on the sides.

"Ugh, my butt…" Heather groaned, rubbing her landing pad. "Couldn't Chris have sprung for a pillow or two?"

Gwen, however, had other matters on her mind. She was staring out of the box, at the elaborate room with computer screens, terminals, and strange devices poking out of the floor and walls.

"Where are we?" The goth asked, confused.

The sound of maniacal laughter caught the girls' ears.

"At last, I have you in my clutches, Earthworm Jim!" A pretentious voice cackled, "Take a moment to look back on your life as I… _Hey!_ Who the heck are _you _kids?"

A figure stepped out from the shadows, and the two teen girls stared at it. It was a strange one, that was for sure. Maybe it was the purple lab coat with slightly ominous dark stains here and there. Maybe it was the expression of manic fury on its face. But it was probably the monkey that seemed grafted to his head, sharing his eyes.

"Who are we? Who are _you?_" Gwen asked.

"_What _are you?" Heather asked.

The stranger stood up proudly. "I am Professor Monkey-For-A-Head, Earthworm Jim's arch-nemesis!"

"You mean besides the bird guy and the fish?" Gwen asked.

The Professor glared as the monkey snickered. "Shut up! This was _supposed _to have been a trap for that insipid worm, but _you _two brats are here instead!"

"Well, don't blame us!" Heather retorted, "We didn't want to end up in this _loser-_hole! Just let us go!"

_(Confessional)_

"_As much as I hate to say it, but I kinda admire Heather's refusal to stop being…Heather…in the face of danger." Gwen admitted._

_(End Confessional)_

Professor Monkey-For-A-Head rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Well, I don't know…" A beeping from a computer caught his ear. Looking at it, he said, "Ha! Here's another one coming! I'll bet it's Jim this time!"

Sure enough, the next body dumped into the glass was Earthworm Jim. However, he was shortly followed by Bender, Chiyo, Courtney, DJ, Lindsay, Luigi, Shantae, and Red.

"Maybe I should lock the trapdoors down…" the Professor murmured.

-TDP-

Back on the slide, those still in the running had discovered that Chris had loaded the chutes with more than just twists and turns. Some parts of the slide had certain substances poured on them as they went.

"Tar-colored slime!" Bridgette cried, wiping her eyes.

"Itching powder!" Owen cried, scratching himself furiously.

"Ball bearings! Ouch-ooh-ack!" Black Mage groaned as his chubby wizard body was pummeled.

"Ahhhh yeah, lovin' it!" Izzy whooped.

As their chutes met up and regrouped into a single slide, Tyler noticed a distinct gap in the amount of sliders.

"Um, aren't we missing someones?" He asked.

"Oh, I bet they're fine," Fighter replied, "It's not like they're in the clutches of some deranged supervillain or something."

-TDP-

"I have you in my clutches now, Earthworm Jim," Professor Monkey-For-A-Head gloated, "And this time, there's no escape!"

"Oh, yeah? We'll see about that, simian-skull!" Jim retorted.

The wormy wonder pulled back and slammed his fist into the wall of the glass box that imprisoned him and the other Dramanauts. It shuddered, but didn't break.

"Wow, that's some pretty hard glass." Luigi commented.

The Professor chuckled evilly. "You're brute strength will do you no good here, Jim. That glass is strong enough to blunt the impact of a meteor! And now that you're suitably trapped, there's nothing to stop me from frying that puny worm body of yours!"

Pointed directly in front of the box was a giant, science-fictiony ray gun. Professor Monkey-For-A-Head rushed over to the controls and began to push buttons. The tip of the ray gun began to glow, signifying its activation.

"Wait! What about _us?_" Heather cried.

"I would love to help, but I'm a _loooooser_," Professor Monkey-For-A-Head snapped, "So just sit tight! It'll be over in a few seconds."

Then the Monkey gibbered something.

"What? Oh, fine." The Professor grumbled, and walked over to the box. Taking out a pen and paper, he slid the items through an airhole to Lindsay. "Would you mind signing this? It's for the monkey, he's a huge fan."

"Um, okay." Lindsay said, and took the pen and paper. After writing something down, she passed it back to Professor Monkey-For-A-Head.

"Now…" The Professor said as the Monkey waved the autograph like a flag, "…To business!"

As Professor Monkey-For-A-Head zipped back to the cannon, the Dramanauts began to panic. Luigi, Lindsay and DJ jumped behind Jim, who spread his arms out protectively.

"Isn't there _anything _we can do?" Gwen asked.

"Not unless we can shatter glass…" Harold said thoughtfully, and snapped his fingers. "…Which we can!"

Harold rushed over behind Jim, and stretched his arms over the crouching DJ, Luigi and Lindsay towards the backpack.

"What are you doing?" Bender asked.

"The only thing that could save us," Harold replied, "Sorry to do this to you, Courtney, but our lives depend on it!"

Harold opened the backpack and took out Snot. Without a moment's pause he tossed the green gooey alien onto the type A. The result was instantaneous.

-TDP-

For the second time, the mountain shook.

"_**!**_"

-TDP-

Amid a floor covered with shattered glass, Earthworm Jim held Professor Monkey-For-A-Head by the cuff of his lab coat.

"This is the part where you punch me into the stratosphere, isn't it?" The mad scientist gulped.

Jim was already winding up his fist. "You _are _smart!"

As Jim did the aforementioned stratosphere-punching, Chiyo saw a door marked 'EXIT'

"I found a way out!" She called, and opened it up. As she went into it, she suddenly dropped out of view, crying, "It's another sliiiiiide!"

-TDP-

Back on the slide, despite a few setbacks, Owen found himself pulling out in front of the other remaining Dramanauts. Years of engorging pizzas, French fries, hamburgers, and other greasy foodstuffs had given his body a natural slipperiness that would be envy of most fish. As he fluidly went down the chutes, he noticed a series of signs;

EXIT

UP

AHEAD

FATSO

"I'm almost at the end? Awesome!" Owen whooped, missing the insult in his elation. "And I don't see anyone else! Double-awesome!"

Sure enough, he could barely see a dot of light in the distance, signifying the end of the twisting tunnel.

"Yeah, score one more win for the Robinsons!" Owen cheered, "I'm so close to victory that I can smell it!" He sniffed. "And it smells like…" Sniff. Sniff. "Smells like…" Sniff-sniff-sniff. "Smells like…"

"Smells like what?"

Owen jerked his head to the left. Right next to him, albeit a few seconds behind, was Ashley! And in her hand she held…

"Ribs!" Owen gasped, staring. The hunger that the adrenalin rush had scared off returned with reinforcements.

Ashley watched as Owen stared. Curiously, she held up the ribs above her head. Owen's gaze followed.

"Do you want it?" the little witch asked.

Owen was too busy drooling to answer coherently. AS his stomach gurgled, he snapped out of it. "No! Must focus! Cannot be distracted by the…tender…" His eyes drifted towards the rib. "Juicy…"

Ashley began to wave the rib back and forth slowly, like the flag of an inattentive fan. Owen began to shake.

"You're _evil_…" He whispered, "_Eeeevil…_"

"You can have it." Ashley replied.

"_Really!_" Owen shrieked, causing a bit of dust fall from the ceiling.

"Really."

And with that, Ashley gave the rib a toss. Over Owen.

"_**Noooo!**_" Owen wailed, and _launched _himself after the projectile meat product.

CRUNCH!

Ashley slid out past the finish line and onto the ground. Getting up, she daintily smoothed out her dress.

"Congratulations, Ashley!" Chris said, walking over to her. "You are the first one down, which means the winners of this event are the Beam-Me-Up Scot- Whoa." Chris stared into the tunnel of the slide. "What happened to _him?_"

Owen, half-way burrowed into the wall of the slide tunnel, kicked his legs pitiably. A soft crunching could be heard.

"He's just hungry." Ashley replied.

_(Confessional)_

"_So, I lost the event," Owen sighed, "But, I mean, they're not gonna vote me off for it, right? I mean, we planned to vote off Black Mage first, right? Right." Owen's lip trembled before he began to bawl. "I don't wanna be voted off! This show is all that I'm good at! Baaaaaw!"_

_(End Confessional)_

By the time the Dramanauts had returned to the hub, night had fallen, so the Robinsons were forced to go straight to the dramatic elimination ceremony the minute the shuttle landed. While the Scotties went to go relax in the Delux-o-tron, the Robinsons voted in the confessional. Afterwards, they marched over to the transporter, where Chris was waiting with a plate of rocks.

"Okay, I don't wanna miss the late, late, late, late movie being aired tonight, so let's make this quick," the host said, "As you know, whoever doesn't get a rock will ride the Beam of Defeat off the planet. So, who will it be? The enemy-attracting Earthworm Jim…"

Jim gulped, rubbing the back of his head.

"…The guy who chose his stomach over his team, Owen…"

Owen tugged at the collar of his shirt, sweating.

"…Or, our stab-happy Black Mage?"

"Can we just get started?" Black Mage asked, "My head is starting to ache."

Chris shrugged, and began to toss out rocks. "Luigi…Shantae…Gwen…Harold…Tyler…"

_(Confessional)_

"_I know Owen lost the event, but I'm still voting for Black Mage. Why?" Tyler took off his top and turned around, showing a bunch of scars on his back. "Owen doesn't _stab _me!"_

_(End Confessional)_

"DJ…Chiyo…Courtney…" Chris paused, and tossed the second to last rock. "Jim…"

Jim caught the rocked and wiped his brow. Pocketing it, he flashed a thumbs up at the camera.

"And now, the last rock." Chris said, and held it up. A tense five seconds passed as Owen and Black Mage stared at it.

Owen bit his lip.

Black Mage tugged at his hat.

Chris closed his eyes, as if deep in thought. Finally, he gave the rock a toss.

"Black Mage."

Black Mage didn't bother to catch the rock. Instead, he pulled his hat down over his face, thankfully muffling a series of profanities both obscure and eldritch.

"Owen, my man, you were always one of my favorite ratings grabbers, but now it's time to go," Chris said, clapping the hefty teen on the shoulder. "Beam of Defeat, dude."

Owen sighed, and stood up. Walking over in to the teleporter, he looked back at his now ex-teammates. None of them looked particularly happy to see him go.

"Sorry, big guy." Gwen called out.

"We'll miss you." Luigi said.

"It was nothing personal," Courtney added, "Just strategy."

Owen looked down for a moment, then, looking determined, He stepped into the teleporter.

"I'll see you guys later, dudes!" He yelled as he vanished in a flash of light.

"It's gonna different without him around here." Jim sighed.

"It'll smell better, for one thing." Shantae giggled nervously.

_(Confessional)_

"_Owen's…likable, if you ignore his disgusting gluttony and flatulence," Courtney said, "But his appetite's sunk a team's win more than once. I don't think Ashley's a real witch, but she's smart. If she can trick Owen like that once, she can do it again."_

_(End confessional)_

"And so we end the episode with the loss of one of Total Drama's biggest rating grabbers," Chris sighed, and brightened up. "Luckily, we have _plenty _of wacky characters who can fill Owen's laugh-quota. Who will take his place as wackiest player? Find out next time, on **Total…Drama…Planet!**"

A/N: This chapter took a loooong time, due to a combination of college work, writer's block, and a big decision, namely whether or not to vote off Owen. I, personally, like the big lug, but I was conflicted as to whether or not I should let him go for the story. I didn't want to get rid of anybody else just yet, (I'd say why, but there's a no spoiler rule going on) so I ultimately decided 'screw it' and got rid of him. It was either this or Shantae, who would've been lost due to the Wheel of Elimination.

Give me your thoughts on this startling turn of events in your reviews.

From the _Dinosaurs_ TV show episode I Won't Eat For My Father; a rather unpleasant word for someone who's a vegetarian.


	8. Buggin' Out

Open to Chris, now floating in orbit in a space suit.

"Previously, on Total Drama Planet, we took the Dramanauts out for a little mountain climbing," He said, "Or, to be truthful, a _lot _of mountain climbing. Tyler defied his rep by proving he _is _good at something athletic, while Bender struck up an alliance with Izzy. On the ride down, Courtney's long-forgotten-but-recently-reintroduced fear of all things green and slimy came back and saved the day when one of Jim's enemies attacked- again. However, though the day was won by the forces of sorta-good, the challenge was lost for the Robinsons when Owen's appetite got the better of him, resulting in his elimination. Who will be next? Find out right now, on **Total…Drama…Planet!**

Episode 8: Buggin' Out

One night, a group of mysterious figures crept into the hub. Due to the lack of light, all that could be seen of them were their silhouettes. The group branched off into two smaller groups, one going towards the rat hole and the other towards the Delux-o-tron. The bunch at the Delux-o-tron slid a card key into the lock, deactivating it. Once the door opened, they slipped in. Meanwhile, the figures at the rat hole had set a small winch and were lowering one down. As a flying pig's shadow flew across the light of the moon, the door to the Delux-o-tron opened again, and its intruders popped out, each carrying a bundle over their shoulders. The trespassers at the rat hole were busy meanwhile pulling large things out from the hole and tossing them into a large sack. One trespasser snickered, only to be smacked quiet by an accomplice.

Once they were done, they crept away into the night…

-TDP-

"Courtney? Couuurtneeey!"

Chiyo's cute little voice rang out across the hub the very next morning, as she and Harold and Tyler, looked out and around the field.

"Hey, Jim! You there!" Tyler yelled, looking into a hollow stump. He stuck his head his inside, only to pull it out as a face hugger latched on to it! "_AAAAH!_

As Tyler ran around screaming, Gwen walked out of the nearby grove of trees. She stared at the flailing wannabe jock for a few moments, watching as he raced around trying to get the alien off him, before shaking her head. One emergency at a time.

"There's nobody in the forest," She reported to the youngest college student, "You guys have any luck?"

Chiyo shook her head sadly. "No, I'm really worried. Where could they have gone…?"

"Are you guys missing teammates too?" Bridgette asked, coming up.

Gwen nodded, and began to count off her fingers. "DJ, Luigi, Courtney, Jim and Shantae are all missing. What about your team?"

"By our count, we've lost Duncan, Bon Bonne, Ashley, Bender and Lindsay," Bridgette replied, "None of them were in their beds, and we've already searched the rest of the Delux-o-tron. It's like they mysteriously vanished."

"Mystery, eh?" Fighter asked.

The three girls jumped.

"Where the heck did you come from?" Gwen asked.

"Have no fear, Encyclopedia Fighter's on the job!" Fighter continued without preamble, "For only twenty-five cents, I'll put all of my crime-fighting, mystery-solving skills to the test, and solve the case of the missing teamsters in the heart of the downtown hublands in a galaxy far far away!"

The girls stared at Fighter, trying to comprehend how it was possible for him to come up with that statement.

"Um, okay…" Bridgette said, her eyes darting as she tried to find an escape route. "Just wait here while I get my…wallet, yeah…"

Bridgette took off, leaving Gwen and Chiyo alone with Fighter. Fighter looked expectantly at them.

"Y'know, I think we need to, uh, dredge the river…" Gwen muttered, slinking off. "…or something…"

Once Gwen was gone, Chiyo decided to give it a try as well.

"I just remembered, I need to, um, umma…" Chiyo racked her brains for a finish. "…feed Tadakichi-san! That's right! I need to feed him!"

Chiyo ran off, leaving Fighter alone.

_(Confessional)_

"_I can't believe I said that…" Chiyo sighed, "Tadakichi-san is my dog…but I left him on Earth! In America! I feel so stupid…" She began to hit herself. "Baka! Bakabakabakabakabaka!"_

_(End Confessional)_

It wasn't too long before Chris appeared, ready to explain the rules of the latest challenge. The Dramanauts seated themselves onto the benches before the matter transporter before the host. They still had no idea where their teammates were, and only a sneaking suspicion of who was responsible.

"I suppose some of you have noticed a subtle difference in your teams," Chris greeted, "Quite a mystery, huh?"

"Don't worry, Chris," Fighter chimed in, "Thanks to Izzy's contribution, Encyclopedia Fighter's _this _close to figuring out who dunnit!"

Everyone, most notably Bridgette, Chiyo, and Gwen, looked at Izzy in shock.

"You gave him a quarter?" Bridgette asked, stunned.

"What can I say, I loooves a good detective story!" Izzy giggled.

"So far, I've decided that Farmer Higgens was in fact using an animatronic saschmo to make it _look _like the pier was haunted," Fighter continued, "All I need to do is find out who's been printing counterfeit place mats and…"

That was as far as Fighter got, as Black Mage rushed over to where the warrior was seated and slammed a knife into his forehead. Fighter fell over. Black Mage turned back to Chris.

"I believe you were saying something…" Black Mage prompted as everyone stared at him in horror.

"Um, thank you, Black Mage," Chris replied uncomfortably. Regaining his steam, he said, "Today's challenge forces you to deal with the most difficult part about being stranded on an alien planet; Dealing with your new neighbors! You're instructions are simple: Infiltrate a nearby alien camp and retrieve a few certain-" He did a finger quote. "-'belongings' and get out. The first team to do so will win a stay in the Delux-o-tron, while the second-placers will be sending someone away."

"But Chris, what about the people who are missing?" Chiyo asked, raising her hand.

"Don't worry about them, you'll find them," Chris assured, "Because _they're _the 'belongings' you need to find!"

Gasps and cries of shock went up all around, except for Black Mage, who really didn't care, and Fighter, who was still on the ground with a knife in his head.

"In other words, in order to win, you've got to free your teammates," Chris summarized, and frowned. "And by that I mean, get them away from the aliens, not 'free' them from this mortal coil…_Black Mage_."

Black Mage snapped his fingers in annoyance. "Killjoy."

"The aliens are camped out about half a mile east of here," Chris said, pointing. "Now get moving! There's no time limit, but I wouldn't dilly-dally if I were you; no telling _what _do to their prisoners of war…"

The Dramanauts quickly got to their feet and left. Once they were gone, Chris turned to the camera, smiling.

"While the 'rescue teams' make tracks, why don't we see how our captives are doing?" Chris suggested, "Be nice to see what level of panic their new predicament is sending them to."

-TDP-

The camera cut to Earthworm Jim, still asleep, only this time without a suit. The mutant worm had coiled up as he dozed, occasionally muttering "Nutlog" under his breath. There were several bars jammed into the ground around him, forming a makeshift cage.

-TDP-

Chris grimaced. "Wake up!"

-TDP-

Jim eye's leisurely opened. Smacking his lips, he looked around at the big, red, bug-like aliens walking around his cage. Just as he was going back to sleep, his eyes shot open with realization.

"Huh? Insectakens?" Jim gasped, "Oh _no!_ While I've been getting a good night's sleep, these bug men must have attacked, and no doubt have taken the rest of my teammates and competitors captive! And to put a cherry on top, I've lost my suit! Oh, _why _does this keep happening!"

Jim began to cry, and as he cried he curled his wormy body around one of the bars.

"Wait a minute, I can't just lie here in my own personal pile of pathetic pity! I've got to do something about this!" Jim realized, "But first, I have to bravely engineer my own daring jailbreak! But how can I possibly escape from this treacherous prison without my suit?"

It was at that moment that Jim realized that he was already half-way out of the cage. With a somewhat mollified look on his face, he quickly crawled away.

_(Confessional)_

"_What I don't get is how come none of them bugs heard Jim yellin' like that," Chef Hatchet commented, "Freak's as loud as truck horn, and three-times more annoying!"_

_(End Confessional)_

**Beam-Me-Up Scotties**

At the edge of the Insectiken's camp, Bridgette, Izzy, and Heather popped up out of a large bush. They looked into the camp at all of the ramshackled buildings and tents, taking note of the bug-like aliens lurking about.

"Ugh," Heather gagged, "Would you look at those freaks? Of _course _Chris would find the ugliest monsters for us to deal with?"

"Let's try to sneak in quietly," Bridgette suggested at a whisper, "We're a small group, so they shouldn't notice us…"

"Hi, alien invaders!"

Both Bridgette and Heather stared as Fighter somehow materialized into the camp and began to strike up conversation with one of the guards.

"We're looking for some teammates that you might have captured," Fighter continued, "Are they in this campy-looking place somewhere?"

"Oh, sure," The guard replied earnestly, "We just brought some guys in just last night. You should be able to find them if you wander around enough."

"Thanks!"

"Problem is, now I've gotta capture you since you're an intruder. Hold on." the guard whistled, and several more guards came around, each one holding a nasty-looking spear.

Back in the bushes, Heather and Bridgette tried to come to terms with this latest development.

"Didn't we leave him _bleeding _at the hub!" Heather hissed angrily.

"I don't know!" Bridgette whispered back, "But we've got to do something before he gets hurt again! What do you think Iz- Where's Izzy?"

"Yeeeee-_haw!_"

Izzy came down from the sky, flipping and squealing giddily. She landed a drop kick on one Insectiken before landing an uppercut on another one. She then whirled about to give a third Zurg a roundhouse kick, sending him flying into another Zurg.

"_Vamonos, muchacho!_" Izzy declared, "_Viva la resistance!_"

"She's crazy!" The Zurgs cried, "Run for it!"

The Zurgs ran off, being chased by Izzy, who was yelling wildly.

_(Confessional)_

_Izzy, who now had some bandages on her head and her arm in a sling, said, "Well, I saw those buggies pickin' on my buddy Fighter and I thought, 'I've seen all I can stands, and I can't stands no more!'" She giggled. "Man, I loooves doin' stuff like that!"_

_(End Confessional)_

**Danger Will Robinsons**

At another part of the camp's edge, the remainder of the Robinsons were also scoping out their target. After staring at the big, red scary creatures patrolling the area, they ducked behind another bush for a pow-wow.

"Okay, we're outnumbered and in hostile territory," Tyler whispered, "But we gotta pull together if we wanna save Lindsay and the others," He pumped his fist. "We can do this!"

"Um, Lindsay's on the other team, remember?" Gwen reminded quietly.

"Luckily, I have a daring plan," Harold said, and reached into his pocket. Pulling out several sheets of tin foil, he folded one into a hat. "First, make yourselves a covering to protect your brain from mind-control rays."

Black Mage picked one sheet up and inspected it. "You want us to wear hats…made of aluminum."

"The _only _way to protect your brain!" Harold insisted.

"Who says you have one…" Black Mage muttered. Hearing this, Gwen suppressed a snigger.

"And now that our minds are control free," Harold said, "It's time to divulge the plan for our rescue mission! First, Tyler, you hold Black Mage so he doesn't stab me."

"Got it!" Tyler saluted, and put Black Mage in a hammer lock.

"Hey, leggo!" Black Mage protested.

While this was going on, Chiyo noticed something. Tugging Harold's pant leg, she said, "Um, guys…"

Ignoring her, Harold continued talking. "…After we initiate a delta scenario in a jackknife formation…"

"Guys?" Chiyo tried again, a bit more urgently.

"…We then move in with a sigma alpha maneuver…" Harold went on, only to be interrupted by Gwen.

"Harold, I have no idea what you're saying, and I'm pretty sure neither do you."

"Guys!" Chiyo semi-yelled. Everyone looked at her. "We've got company."

Looking up from their huddle, the remaining Robinsons saw that they were now surrounded by a plethora of Zurgs. The silent lull was filled with the clicking of weapons being cocked.

_(Confessional)_

"…_And we would never have caught them if Zmeltzer in B company hadn't smelled their tin foil." A Zurg finished._

_(End Confessional)_

While the rescue teams were spearheading their infiltration of the alien camp, a great psychological torture was being implemented.

"I have to go to the bathroooom… I'm _bored…_ I _hungry_…" Lindsay moaned from within a Lindsay-sized cage. In front of her, a zurg stood on guard, only the clutching of its weapon a sign of its mental duress. "I have to wash my haaaair… My lips feel dry…"

The zurg's left eye twitched. Then the right eye.

"My legs are tiiiiired… My throat is starting to huuuuurt…"

There was an audible snapping sound as the zurg's stress levels reached their limit.

"_Shut up!_" the zurg screeched, throwing his weapon down. "I can't take it anymore!"

Shocked, and maybe a little bit frightened, Lindsay shut her mouth. To her even greater surprise, the zurg undid the lock on her cage and threw the door open.

"There!" He yelled, pointing away from the cage. "Get!"

While Lindsay's mind wasn't developed enough to fully comprehend _why _this was happening, she managed to have enough grey matter to figure out what was _basically _happening.

"Thank you!" The ditz chirped, skipping off.

The zurg fell down onto his rear and sighed. "I'm gonna get a reprimand for this, I just know it."

-TDP-

Meanwhile, things were equally annoying in another cage elsewhere in the camp, but for an entirely different reason. That reason being Courtney and Duncan, whom neither of which were happy to find that they had been forced together again. Of the two, Courtney was most vocal in her objections to this arrangement, standing at the bars and yelling her head off. Duncan, meanwhile, lay on the other side, hands resting behind his head.

"…and the bars aren't even clean! Let us out!" Courtney yelled, "I'm going to say it again!"

"I'm sure he heard you the first six times, Courtney," Duncan commented sarcastically from his spot on the ground, "But why don't you give it another shot, just to be sure?"

Courtney gave Duncan a nasty glare before turning back to the zurg on guard duty. "Couldn't you _at least _put me in a different cage- away from _him?_"

The zurg, sitting on the ground and facing away from the cage, just ignored Courtney. The only sign it showed of actually hearing the type A's voice was turning the volume up on the portable TV set it watched. The _Celebrity Manhunt_ theme was heard. This act of casual defiance did little to deflate Courtney's ire.

"Grr- Arg- _Fine!_" Courtney hissed, and went over to where the cage's lock was. She reached into her hair, only to realize that she didn't have the kind of hairstyle that needed hairclips. Aggrivated, she tried to pick the lock with her finger, which resulted in a minor boo-boo. Upon hearing Duncan sniggering, she gave him another glare. "You _could _help, Mr. Audition-While-Breaking-Out-Of-Juvie!"

Duncan shrugged. "In due time. Right now…" He faked a yawn. "I'm gonna catch some Z's."

_(Confessional)_

"_Yeah, I couldn've busted out of that cage easily," Duncan explained, "But it was more fun to watch Courtney squirm." _

_(End Confessional)_

Despite the fake yawn, Duncan really did fall asleep. As the punk dozed, Courtney once again tried to pick the lock, this time using a small twig lying within arm reach of the cage. After a few minutes of work, a sharp snap was heard. Her face brightening, Courtney pulled the twig out…only to see that it had broken. Grimacing, she turned around to where the delinquent was lying.

"Duncan, if you're not going to help, could you _at least _give me your knife so I can…" Courtney trailed off.

Duncan had turned over in his sleep, revealing a recently-dug hole where his body had been. It looked big enough for a person to fit through. Outside the cage, a sharp gust of wind blew over a pile of leaves, revealing a second hole. Courtney, for her part, did not blow her top. She probably wanted to, from the way her face scrunched up, (As an added bonus, the audio department included the sound of a kettle whistling) but before she could actually put the her fury into action, it suddenly vanished. She looked over to where the zurg was, and saw a key lying at its waist. Her face became unnaturally calm before twisting into something very Grinch-like.

-TDP-

"Jailbreak! _Jaaaaillbreaaaaak!_"

Duncan woke up from the sound of Courtney's voice, groggy and confused. Whatever daze he was in quickly ended when he realized that he was no longer inside the cage. Rather, he was lying just behind the TV-watching zurg!

Unfortunately, the zurg had realized that at the same time. Calling upon his experience with prison guards on Earth, Duncan pursued the only avenue available to him- he bolted.

"Come back here!" The zurg yelled, chasing after him.

Courtney watched them go. Once they were out of sight, she opened the cage door, casually twirling the key.

"That was _so _worth the trouble of dragging Duncan's body out." She commented.

_(Confessional)_

"_After Izzy's little fit at the edge of camp, Bridgette and I lost track of Fighter," Heather reported, "Thank god…that moron is so stupid I can feel my own mind implode when he talks. Note to self: take back any dumb-cracks directed at Lindsay."_

_(End Confessional)_

Heather and Bridgette crept around the camp, darting between tents whenever they were sure that no one was watching. Luckily enough, there seemed to be some kind of disturbance, as the zurgs were too busy moving around to notice the two girls.

"What do you think is going on?" Bridgette asked, peeing out behind one tent.

"Who cares?" Heather grumbled, "It's probably the Psycho-hose beast. Let's just find the rest of our team and get out."

Bridgette peered around again, and then pointed. "Look!"

"What? You see someone?"

"Not exactly…"

Heather looked to where Bridgette was pointing and saw it. Jim's supersuit, standing upright in the middle of a clearing. There was no sign of the worm himself.

Heather smiled wickedly. "Perfect. Let's grab it."

"Grab it? What for?" Bridgette asked.

Heather was already tiptoing over to the suit. "Think about it. We're in a camp full of monsters hired by Chris. I'd feel a whole safer if I had some kind of protection, wouldn't you?"

While Bridgette had to concede to Heather's point, there was still one more concern. "Do you think you can work it?"

Heather shrugged dismissively. "Please. If that idiot Jim can wear this stupid thing, I'm pretty sure I can too."

It was at that moment that Heather was made aware of a dissenting opinion. The suit, with no head in the cockpit, stuck out one arm and pushed the mean girl aside, knocking her down. Before she or Bridgette could react or comment, the suit walked off, crashing through the wall of a shack nearby as it did.

"What just happened?" Bridgette asked, staring at the large suit-shaped hole that had been made.

"Hey! What was that noise?"

Bridgette gulped, grabbed Heather, and dragged her behind the shack. They managed to get out of sight just before a pair of zurgs showed up to inspect the area.

"What the…where'd the suit go?" One zurg asked, bewildered.

"I knew we shoulda had someone watch it." The second zurg sighed.

Annoyed, the first zurg waved around. "Spread the word! Search the camp! I don't wanna tell the queen we found and lost her suit in the space of a day!"  
As the two zurgs ran off to do their work, Bridgette and Heather exchanged looks.

"Queen?" Bridgette asked.

Heather shrugged. "With our luck, these freaks are more of Jim's weirdo enemies. But who cares? We need to…"

"Babuuuuu?" a voice mewed inquisitively.

The girls froze. It came from the shack!

"Bon Bonne, is that you?" Bridgette asked.

"Babuu!" the voice replied eagerly.

With catlike tread, Bon Bonne crashed his way out of the shack, making a second hole adjacent to the one the suit had made.

Bridgette smiled. "That's one down."

Bon Bonne, happy to see his friends again, pulled the girls into a hug.

Heather's eyes bugged out and began to tear up. "Spine…breaking…!"

**Danger Will Robinsons**

As one zurg led the Robinson rescue team deeper into the camp, Harold pulled his teammates together for a mini-huddle.

"I've got a daring plan to get us out of this," Harold said, "Do what I say, and we'll be home free."

Black Mage sighed, and reached into his robes. The others leaned in so they could hear what Harold had to say. While Chiyo and Tyler seemed ready to listen, Gwen had her usual unenthusiastic expression. She obviously wasn't expecting any brilliant tactics from the geek.

"First, Chiyo, you distract him with your innate precocious cuteness," Harold began, "And while the guard gushes about you, Gwen, you throw him off balance with some of your grim, gothic poetry."

"Cuteness and _poetry?_" Gwen asked, if only to see if such a combination of words could actually be said.

"With his mind reeling from the contradictions, I'll knock him down with a sweep kick, were Tyler will pin him, giving us time to get his weapons." Harold finished.

"Hey, guys, little help here." Black Mage interrupted. Everyone looked up to see that the zurg now had several knives jammed into his body. "I'm having trouble getting through his exoskeleton. If anyone wants to join in, now's the time."

The zurg advanced, looking slightly peeved off at Black Mage's murder attempt, a red blur tackled into him. The upshot of was that the force of the tackle pushed the blades in further, completing the kill. The downside of was who did the tackling…for Black Mage, at least.

"Hey guys, didn't see you there," Fighter greeted. He looked down at the dead bug and asked, "Is he okay?"

"I think…" Chiyo began when Black Mage cut in.

"He's fine," Black Mage said, "Just taking a nap."

"…He's bleeding."

"Bug-men bleed when they nap," Black Mage lied, "Didn't you know that?"

"No," Fighter admitted, "But then again, I don't know much about bug-men."

"So why _shouldn't _they bleed while napping?" Black Mage asked, throwing his arms out.

"That is completely logical!" Fighter exclaimed, with his 'I learned something new' face on.

"Fighter, have you seen our teammates?" Gwen interrupted.

"Nope," Fighter answered, "Haven't seen anyone except that belly-dancer with the pony tail, the green guy with the mustache, and the big black guy."

"Uh, that's good to know, thanks." Gwen replied awkwardly. She turned to the others and said, "Let's go."

As the Robinsons left, Fighter called out, "Oh yeah, and don't tell anyone because it's supposed to be a secret!"

"There he is!"

"Whoop!" Fighter cried, and ran off, chased by a pair of zurgs.

-TDP-

In another part of the camp, Duncan still was being pursued by some zurgs. In fact, several more had joined in on the chase; Every time the delinquent had ducked behind a tent in order to elude the insectikens resulted in stumbling upon another zurg. By now there was an even dozen of zurgs forming the mob behind him.

"What I wouldn't give for a weapon…" Duncan muttered, before realization hit. He smacked his forehead in annoyance. "Doy, I _do _have a weapon!"

Reaching into his pocket, Duncan stopped and faced the zurgs chasing him. He quickly whipped out Jim's ray gun and pointed it at the mob.

"All right bugs, listen up!" He yelled, "Unless some of you wanna get a few holes in your heads, I suggest you back off!"

The zurgs stopped, and regarded the gun Duncan held for a moment. Then, the zurg at the head of the pack pointed and clutched his head.

"Quick! Run for it, men!" It screamed, "Run for your lives!"

The zurgs did a one-eighty and fled, leaving Duncan somewhat confused at the speed the situation changed at.

"Oh…kay…" The teen muttered. He rebounded easily enough, yelling to the fleeing mob, "Yeah, you better run- Is that a cattle stampede?"

Duncan barely had time to comprehend the sound of heavy footsteps he heard when _another _pack of zurgs trampled him from behind. Not long after they passed, Izzy came bounding after them, snarling and whooping like a ranch-hand with rabies.

"Yah! Giddyap, little buggies!" She shrieked, "Ruff, ruff, Whoo! Oh, hey Duncan!"

_(Confessional)_

_Duncan, now sporting several bandages on his face, grumbled, "I don't know what hurts more- the footprints, or the fact that those bugs were more scared of Izzy than my gun! I mean, I know Izzy's pretty messed up- she blew up a mounties' camp, dude!- but seriously, this is a pretty big ray gun."_

_Duncan took out the gun and gave it a spin. As he did so, it went off, causing the screen to turn to static._

_(End Confessional)_

Bridgette and Heather were still on their own when they heard someone crying.

"Who's that?" Heather asked disdainfully, "Sounds like a little girl who lost her dolly."

Bridgette pointedtowards a shack. "It's coming from in there."

The two girls went into the structure. Once inside, they saw the source of the sobs- a disembodied robot head on a book shelf.

"_Bender?_" Bridgette asked, taking the head. "What happened to you?"

Bender's stifled his sniffling, looking up at the tofu-chick. "Oh, it was _awful!_ First they took my arms, and tossed them over _there! _Then they took my legs and tossed them over _there! _Then they took my torso and tossed it over _there!_"

"Which means you're even more useless than usual," Heather snorted, annoyed. "Perfect."

Bender stopped crying and shot Heather a glare from his place in Bridgette's arms. "Oh, bite my shiny metal ass!"

Heather, not about to take any lip from a head, grabbed Bender y his attena and held him up to her face. "I can't. You don't _have it_ anymore, remember?"

"Hey, who's talking to the robot head?" An unknown voice, but most likely a zurg's, asked from outside.

"Guys, maybe we should focus on staying alive and un-caught?" Bridgette asked, shoving Heather out the other door. "Just a thought?"

_(Confessional)_

"_We later found Bender's body parts in a workshop,"Bridgette explained, "His torso was being used as a stool, his arms were holding up a table, and his legs were acting as a carjack holding up someone's Studebaker."_

_(End Confessional)_

Meanwhile, at the camp beautician…

"…And then the Queen won the election because no one else ran against her." The beautician, who looked like a normal zurg, said, finishing up on Lindsay's nails.

Lindsay held up a nail for closer inspection, and smiled. "Democracy is _fascinating!_" she said, demonstrating the ability to pretend you understand the subject matter because it's good manners. A thought occurred to her. "But, if your queen is elected now, wouldn't that make her President?"

"She wants us to call her Queen."

"What if you don't?"

"Capital punishment."

"Ohhhh…" Lindsay nodded, somewhat mollified. She glanced at the ground. "Hey, Jim!"

"Hey, Lindsay." Jim replied, crawling past.

-TDP-

Elsewhere, Gwen, Tyler, Harold, Black Mage and Chiyo were once again sneaking around. So far, their search for their kidnapped teammates had amounted to the discovery of several open cages.

"This is stupid, it's obvious they don't need our help," Black Mage grumbled, "Let's go back to _our _camp and raid the deluxe-o-tron's fridge."

"Do you _want _to get voted off?" Gwen asked testily.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, _I would!_" Black Mage hissed, "Nothing would make me happier than to-"

"Hey, guys." Shantae greeted.

"Hey, Shantae," Black Mage responded casually, before saying, "Nothing would make me happier than to- Where did you come from!"

Shantae shrugged. "I picked the lock with my ponytail. Been looking for a way out, but all of the exits are guarded."

"What's that in your hair?" Chiyo asked, pointing at the end of Shantae's ponytail. There were several gears and such snagged in the strands.

Shantae glanced. "Yeah, couldn't really get my 'tail out of the lock that easily…"

Black Mage sighed, and pulled out a knife. Seeing this, Shantae shrieked, turned away quickly, and whipped her ponytail out. The end with the lock bits hit Black Mage in the face, causing them to shatter to tiny bits, falling out.

"I was going to cut your hair!" Black Mage groaned, rubbing the sore spots.

"Oh…sorry."

-TDP-

Courtney (Remember her?), meanwhile, had found DJ, stuck in a cage similar to the one Lindsay was in. Unfortunately, the key to the cage wasn't around. To that end, Courtney attempted to pick the lock while DJ tried to bend the bars apart. However, the bars were made of a steel alloy stronger than anything DJ had dealt with before, and the lock's gears were too strong for a mere hairpin.

"Oh, this is hopeless!" Courtney grumbled, throwing her umpteenth broken pin to the ground.

DJ had a similar opinion, falling back against one of the cage's walls. "Yeah, I can't do anything to this thing…"

Courtney pouted, trying to think. An idea came to her. Putting on a scared expression, she pointed inside the cage. "DJ, there's a snake in there!"

"_Augh!_" DJ shrieked, and smashed out of the cage. He fell to the ground from exhaustion.

Courtney patted his head. "You're out."

"Nah…not cool, woman…" DJ moaned.

"Now, I think I saw some of the others sneaking around," Courtney said, looking up. "We need to find them, create a united front (With me in charge, of course), and…"

Courtney trailed off when she saw Fighter ("Wheee!"), Izzy ("Yeehaw!"), and Duncan ("**(BLEEP)**!") Run by, chased by a small army of zurgs.

"…Yeah," Courtney said at last, "Let's just ignore that."

"Ignore what?" DJ asked, his face muffled by lying against the ground.

"Let's just go." Courtney grumbled, and began to drag DJ away- or try to, anyway. The Canadian-Jamaican was pretty heavy.

_(Montage song: Yakkety-Sax, by Boots Randolph)_

_Gwen, Harold, Tyler, Black Mage, Shantae and Chiyo are running around when they disappear behind an impossible skinny tree. A zurg walks past the tree, looks around, and walks off. The four poke their heads out from behind the other side of the tree, as if appearing from an extra-dimensional space._

_Another zurg, armed with a gun, is running past another set of tents. He comes across Bender, Bridgette and Heather. All three are wearing sunglasses. The zurg holds up wanted poster with a picture of Jim's suit on it, and the three point to their left. As soon as it leaves they start laughing._

_Somewhere else, Lindsay is running around looking very anxious. She sees an outhouse, and rushes towards it. She opens the door- and finds Ashley sitting inside, reading a newspaper. The little witch gives Lindsay an annoyed look and closes the door. Lindsay goes to a second outhouse right next to the first, opens it to find Red, also reading a newspaper. Now sweating bullets, Lindsay moves on to a third outhouse; This time there's an 'Out of Order' sign sticking out of the toilet. Desperate, Lindsay throws the sign away and shuts herself inside._

_We cut to two lines of three tents seen vertically. Izzy rushes out from the top tent of the left side and runs down to the bottom tent on the right. Then Duncan comes from the right-middle and runs towards the left. Then Fighter comes out from the left-bottom and heads towards the right-middle, as Duncan comes out from the top-tight to the middle-left, chased by a zurg. Pretty soon all four characters are running around, with more and more zurgs joining in. Soon the entire scene is filled with zurgs. No one notices Jim crawl by._

_Cut to Courtney and DJ sneaking around. They duck behind a barrel as a zurg passes by. Once it leaves, they pop up- only Jim's suit is with them. The suit pulls Courtney into a hug, putting her in intense pain. DJ tries to get the suit off, but has no luck. A sign reading 'Out of Order' hits Courtney in the face, and the suit lets go in confusion. As Courtney falls to the ground, DJ quickly grabs her and runs._

_(End montage)_

In the direct center of the camp was a large clearing. Shantae, Black Mage, Gwen, Harold, Tyler, and Chiyo ran into from the east. Bridgette, Bender, and Heather came in from the west. Courtney and DJ rushed in from the south. Duncan, Izzy, and Fighter went in from the west. Of note, none of the aforementioned parties were aware of the others.

CRASH!

And then they were. Of course, no one was concerned with this as they were with untangling their bodies from the pile-up that had occurred.

"Don't you people look where you're going?" Courtney demanded from somewhere under Shantae's hair.

"Like you're one to talk," Duncan grumbled, and then remembered what Courtney did earlier. With a sinister smirk, he pinched a lady's leg.

"Ow!" Bridgette shrieked, "Who did that?"

"Uh, oops," Duncan mumbled.

It took a few minutes of rearranging, like an intense game of Twister played in reverse, but eventually, the Dramanauts managed to get themselves upright.

"Hail, hail, the gang's all here!" Fighter cheered.

"Does that mean we can leave?" Black Mage asked.

"But…we still need to find Luigi…" Chiyo mumbled.

"Hey, paisanos." Luigi greeted, walking up.

"Luigi!"

"How'd you get out of your cage?" Harold asked.

Luigi waved a wrench. "They didn't take my tools. I broke the lock with old 7/8ths."

"_Now _can we go, then?" Black Mage demanded.

"Well, our team is still missing members, like Bon Bonne." Bridgette said.

"Babuu!" Bon Bonne popped out of nowhere and pulled DJ, Heather, Courtney, Duncan, Izzy, and Black Mage into a hug.

"Never mind, he's right there," Bridgette said, doing her best to ignore the sound of bones cracking. "We're also missing Ashley."

Silence followed, save the sound of Bon Bonne's hug victims falling to the ground.

"I _said_, we're still missing Ashley." Bridgette repeated, a bit confused.

"I heard you." Ashley said, making every jump.

Heather pulled herself up, trying to ignore the pain coursing through her body. "_Now _can we go?"

"Don't count on it!" A new, sinister voice said.

The Dramanauts looked to see who had spoken. To their shock and subsequent disgust, up crawled a giant fusion of bug, slug, and centaur, with the slug half squirming and writhing like water in a boiling pot. The image was not a pleasant one. The bug half upper-torso was humanoid, clutching a scepter in its right mandible. A zurg was next to it, standing to attention.

"Behold," The zurg said, "Our ruler, the great Queen Pulsating, Bloated, Festering, Sweaty, Pus-filled, Malformed, Slug-for-a-Butt!"

"That is…" Gwen gulped, trying to keep the bile down. "…_way _too descriptive."

Tyler slapped his hand over his mouth. "I think I just threw up in my mouth!"

"O queen," The zurg said, looking up to her…majesty. "These are the Earthlings we captured for that reality show."

"Indeed," Queen Slug-for-a-Butt said, and pointed her scepter at the group. "Tell me where Earthworm Jim and his supersuit is, humans, or I will have you thrown into the dungeon!"

Bender raised his hand. "Uh, I'm not human. Does this mean I won't get thrown in as well?"

"No, it means we'll fire you into it from a cannon!" The Queen snapped.

"Aww, crap." Bender muttered.

"We don't know where Jim is," Luigi spoke up, "We haven't seen him all day!"

"What a shame," Queen Slug-for-a-Butt gestured wildly. "Take them away!"

"_Not so fast!_"

Earthworm Jim, still bereft of his supersuit, crawled onto the scene and put himself protectively between the Dramanauts and Queen Slug-for-a-Butt.

"If you want to harm my fellow reality show contestants, you'll have to go through _me_, first!" Jim yelled.

Slug-for-a-Butt shrugged. "Fair enough."

As Queen Slug-for-a-Butt began advance on the assembled Dramanauts, Jim began to sweat.

_(Confessional)_

"_You know," Jim commented, "Leaping in to save the day is a _lot _easier when you really big muscles or a huge ray gun."_

_(End Confessional)_

The Dramanauts could only watch, frozen in fear and the knowledge that they were surrounded as Queen Pulsating, Bloated, Festering, Malformed Slug-for-a-Butt moved in for the kill.

"I knew this stupid show would kill me one day," Bridgette gulped, "But I didn't think it'd be like _this!_"

"Ye-heh-heah!" Izzy grinned, "An alien _bug queen? _Talk about a plot twist!"

Before the Queen could crawl another step, she stopped in a jerking manner. Confused, she looked back a saw a familiar set of hands on the end of her slug-butt. She had seen her assailant many times before, but usually it had an earthworm in it.

"Oh, _there _it is," Slug-for-a-Butt noted, staring at the supersuit. "I was wondering where it went to. Whover's in that thing, release my pulsating, bloated, festering, malformed, slug for a butt right now, or suffer the conseq-!" The Queen's tirade/threat was cut off by the supersuit effortless flinging her into the horizon. "AAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH!"

Both the dramanauts and the zurgs watched as Queen Slug-for-a-Butt became a speck in the distance.

"Quick!" Gwen hissed, "Let's run for it while they're distracted!"

With those wise words in mind, the Dramanauts and the super suit quickly shuffled away as quietly as they could. It wasn't until that they were off-screen did a zurg realize what was happening.

"Hey!" the zurg yelled, "Get back here! We don't know if we can let you go yet!"

-TDP-

As the Dramanauts fled into the forest back to the hub, a thought occurred to Bridgette.

"So," Bridgette said between strides, "It saved us."

Courtney, running next to her, responded with, "We're saved."

"The suit."

"The suit."

"The suit saved us."

"The suit saved us," Courtney replied, getting annoyed. "Do you hear _me _complaining?"

"But who's wearing the suit?" Bridgette asked, glancing at the suit as it jogged next to Courtney.

Courtney's response died in her mouth when she realized that Bridgette had a point. With Jim crawling just ahead of them (Making good time for a legless mutant), that meant there was no one else who could be wearing it. But before she could think any further on the subject, a green, gooey head popped out of the suit's collar and gave Courtney a lick.

"_AAUUGGHH!_"

-TDP-

The sun was beginning to set when the Dramanauts had managed to return to the hub. They would have been back sooner, but Fighter required constant explanation that the old adage of moss growing on the north side of a tree didn't necessarily count on alien planets.

"I can't believe Chris would _give _us to a bunch of aliens." Luigi complained as they entered the camp site. Gwen, who had much more experience of Chris' sadistic whims, gave a short, sarcastic laugh. _She _knew better.

"Well, at least we're all back in one piece." Chiyo said, falling to the ground in exhaustion. Being the smallest and youngest, she had great trouble keeping up with the rest of the competitors, and had almost collapsed more than once.

"Yup, we're all here," Fighter proclaimed, demonstrated the fascinating ability to ignore tiring effects of physical exertion. "Except Lindsay."

Everyone looked at him.

"What?" Gwen asked, because someone had to.

"Lindsay's not here. Didn't you guys notice?" Fighter asked back.

There was a quick look around to confirm Fighter's statement. Lindsay wasn't around.

"Oh my god, we must have left Lindsay back at the bug camp!" Courtney gasped, her voice scratchy from her phobic screech.

"W-w-we gotta go get her!" Luigi gulped.

"Get who?" Lindsay asked, walking onto the scene.

Everyone looked at her.

"Lindsay! You're alive!" Tyler cried happily.

"Don't worry, I can change that." Black Mage muttered, reaching into his robes. He was promptly restrained by DJ and Duncan.

"She got here _hours_ before any of you did," Chef Hatchet explained as he and Chris walked up, "Girl just wandered into camp without a care in the world."

"Or a clue." Chris added, exchanging a high-five with Chef.

Shantae pushed her way to the front of the pack. "Chris, did you _really _give us to those evil bug people?"

"Technically, it was more of a lend," Chris pointed out, holding up a finger. "And, before any of you get upset, I would like to have you read clause 23 on your contract."

Chris held out a stack of papers to Shantae, and the belly-dancer snatched it away with her pony tail. Taking it in her hands, she began to flip through the pages.

"All right, let's see here…" Shantae muttered, "Supposed to eat anything that isn't immediately fatal...eliminated at any known point, blah blah blah… Okay, found it, the challenge clause."

The Total Drama regulars, well used to Chris McLean's contractual machinations, could only grimace in anticipation.

"This is going to be so disheartening." Harold sighed.

"'All challenges contestant can survive…'" Shantae began to lose steam. "...'are perfectly fine so stop whining'?" She looked up at Chris and muttered, "You must feel very smug, don't you?"

"A little," Chris admitted cheerfully, and clapped his hands together. "Now it's time to decide the winners of the event."

"We've been through so much already," Bridgette pointed out, "Can't we…I don't know, call it a draw for once?"

"Yeah, let's just call it a mulligan or something." Luigi added helpfully.

"Nope!" Chris replied, "And now, for my ruling. Let's see…" He tapped his stubble thoughtfully. "The challenge was for one team to make it back first…Lindsay got back first, but without her team…and everyone else got here at the same time…I declare the Beam-Me-Up Scotties the winners of the event!"

The Scotties, save Ashley, cheered. They crowded around Lindsay, grabbed her, and began to throw her up in the air. The Robinsons just watched sullenly. The weight of another defeat heavy on their shoulders.

"Everyone, make some confessionals, and Robinsons meet me at the teleporter for the elimination ceremony," Chris said, raising his voice to be heard over the hullabaloo, "And those of you who were kidnapped for the challenge, please, take some showers! For god's sake, you stink of evil bug people!"

_(Confessional)_

_Shantae, fresh from the shower and drying her hair with a towel, said, "On this show, getting eliminated isn't so much a loss as it is a consolation prize."_

_(End Confessional)_

Inside the Delux-o-tron, Bridgette sat on the couch, watching as Bender pulled a seemingly never-ending supply of random odds and ends from his chest cabinet.

"Stupid insetikens, fill me up with their crap," The robot grumbled, tossing out one last gadget. "I'm glad they're gonna be extinct before the 31st century!"

Bridgette caught the tossed thingy, which looked like Cthulu's can opener, and asked, "Those bug things are going to die out?"

"Yup," Bender confirmed, shutting his door. "Right around the same time as your cows."

Bridgette grimaced. Knowledge of the future was a terrifying thing.

**Danger Will Robinsons**

It was night time, and as expected, the Robinsons were seated at the matter transporter of Failure, waiting to hear which one of them would be sent away. Chris stood before them, the tray of space rocks standing beside him.

"You've all cast your votes," Chris said, "But unfortunately, due to a freak accident in the shuttle's confessional, they were all lost."

"_What?_" Gwen asked, unbelieving.

"I know, I know," Chris said, holding up his hands appeasingly. "don't ask, couldn't tell ya."

_(Flashback)_

_Duncan stumbled out of the confessional, his face blackened by soot._

"_What happened?" Chris demanded, shocked._

_Duncan hastily shoved Jim's ray gun into his pocket. "Couldn't tell ya, don't ask."_

_(End flashback)_

"So, you're just gonna have to vote again," Chris said, and smiled. "But with a twist!"

On cue, Chef wheeled out the Wheel of Elimination. The Robinsons groaned.

"Not that stupid wheel again…" Luigi moaned, covering his face.

"Hey, statistics say viewers love wheels," Chris defended, "And who am I to argue with statistics?"

"You're not even pretending to care what we think anymore, are you?" Courtney accused.

"Now, calm down," Chris said, holding up his hands. "I wouldn't _dream _of denying the show its most dramatic sequence. Allow me to explain; You'll each be allowed to spin- and stop- the wheel however you see fit. The face it lands on will be your vote. So, you _do _have some control over your votes," He grinned. "Just not too much."

"If it helps, I would _love _to disqualify myself." Black Mage offered, standing up. Several of the other Robinsons voiced their approval.

"Sorry, dude, doesn't work that way," Chris replied, "Spin the wheel."

Grumbling, Black Mage took hold of the wheel's edge and gave it a spin. After a few minutes of spinning, he grabbed it again, only to be sent flying into the campfire. While the vile one screamed in burning agony, Chris observed what space the arrow was pointing at.

"Hmm…Looks like a vote for Chiyo," He noted, and gave the precocious girl a sympathetic look. "Tough luck, kid."

Meanwhile, Black Mage leapt up and began to run around, still screaming. His blue robes were now on fire.

Ignoring that, Chris said, "Who wants to g next?"

And so each Robinson went and gave the wheel a spin, trying to make it turn slow enough so they could control which space it landed on. That didn't work too well, as the wheel apparently had its own motor that caused it to build up speed. All the while Black Mage continued to suffer from the flames. By the time the last Robinson (Tyler) had spun and stopped the wheel, the murderous wizard had collapsed, still aflame. He still screamed, but his voice sounded weak and hoarse.

"Okay, that's…Black Mage," Chris said as the wheel stopped, "Which means we have a tie between him and the lovely miss Shantae. Which means…" He frowned and sniffed. "Does anyone smell bacon?" Glancing at the _still _roasting form of Black Mage, he waved. "Yo, Chef, Would you mind…?"

Chef Hatchet walked up with a large bucket in his hand. Tipping it over, he poured a large pile of sand onto Black Mage, smothering both him and the flames.

"…Thank you." Black Mage said, his voice muffled from the grains.

"'Kay, now as I was saying," Chris said nonchalantly, "We have a tie score of votes between Shantae and Black Mage, which means we need to have a tie-breaker. Luckily, we at Total Drama, inc. always have an special game ready for our special competitors."

Black Mage stood up from the sand pile. "We could kill you and the see who inflicts the most damage." He offered.

"I like the sound of that." Gwen commented.

Ignoring the two of them, Chris continued. "This one is quite simple. Since the normal challenge involved big bugs, the tie-breaker will have _little _bugs."

"Little? You mean normal-sized?" Black Mage asked, raising an eyebrow.

"For your given definition of normal, yes." Chris replied.

"Um, before we start, can I be excused for a minute?" Shantae asked, standing up. "I need to use the restroom."

Chris nodded. "Go for it. We need a minute to set up anyway. You have T-minus 180 seconds…GO!"

There was a sound of a starting pistol going off and Shantae bolted away from the matter transporter.

-TDP-

Shantae slowed to a walk as she reached the outhouse. Just then the door swung open, and Ashley stepped out. An instrumental version of her theme from _Warioware: Twisted _began to play.

"Oh, it's you," Shantae said, and looked around for the source of the music. Shrugging, she said, "I just needed-" Ashley stepped aside and held the door open for her. "Thanks."

As Shantae went about her business, Ashley sat down in the grass. Red came up and gave her a cup of hot cocoa. The witch hid it behind her back when Shantae came out, relieved.

"Well, I have to get back to elimination," Shantae said, "It's a tie-breaker between me and Black Mage."

"It's going to get worse from here." Ashley replied, and walked off.

Shatae stared after her, then looked at her feet.

**Danger Will Robinsons**

When Shantae got back to the matter transporter of failure, there was now a large tub on the ground. Inside the tub were hundreds, maybe thousands, of tiny black beetles. The air was filled with the incessant clicking noise they made.

"Took your sweet time, ponytail," Chris said as way of greeting. "I was just about to write you off as a no-show. But now that you're here, we can begin the EPIC _tie-breaker!_

"You see in this tub are about…1, 476 bugs. Somewhere amid this mass of creepy-crawlies is a single _red_ beetle. Find it, and you're back in the game. Don't, and it's the loser pit on the Total Drama space station."

"That doesn't sound very epic." Harold commented.

"And, if no one finds red beetle within three minutes, the tub will explode," Chris finished, and chuckled. "How's _that _for epic, huh?"

_(Confessional)_

"_I'll admit, I've got a thing for explosions," Chris admitted, "I try to stick as many detonations as I can in each episode."_

_(End confessional)_

"Bug hunt begins…" Chris chopped his hand down. "…Now!"

A counter at the bottom-right corner of the screen began to count down from three minutes, but neither Shantae nor Black Mage moved.

"I said 'Now'," Chris said, annoyed. "C'mon, hop to it."

"Yeah, that's going to happen." Black Mage muttered, glaring at the bug tub. He didn't mind insects, but wanted to be eliminated.

Shantae, meanwhile, began to tentatively feel around the bugs. The other Robinsons were quick to cheer for her.

"C'mon, Shantae!"

"You go, girl!"

"Find that bug!"

But Shantae didn't hear them. Ashley's earlier words were stuck firmly in her mind.

_It's going to get worse from here…_

Shantae bit her lip. _How _much worse?

"Two minutes left, and still no bug," Chris reported, "And while Shantae has begun her search, Black Mage has yet to even approach the tub."

"I take no chances." Black Mage replied, filing his nails on a knife.

Tyler looked at Jim in confusion. "Didn't we take his knife away?"

Shantae kept digging through the bugs, but was not making much of an effort. _Get worse… get worse…_

Out of the corner of her eye, she thought she saw something red.

"One minute left!" Chris announced.

Shantae stared. There it was; The red beetle. And it wasn't even moving. She could pick it up, and win the challenge. But as she reached for it, the word echoed in her mind.

_Worse…_

Shantae began to sweat.

"Thirty seconds!" Chris reported. Black Mage took a step away from the tub.

Shantae's eyes darted around as indecision stiffened her body.

_Worse…worse…worse…_

Her fingers twitched.

_**WORSE…**_

The counter reached 0:00.

"Annnd pop goes the beetles!" Chris declared, and pulled out a detonator. Grinning, he pushed the plunger down.

**Beam-Me-Up-Scotties**

BOOM.

"Whoa, what the hell was that?" Bender asked, looking up out the window. He was currently playing Parcheesi with Duncan and Izzy.

"Probably a bomb going off." Duncan shrugged.

**Danger Will Robinsons**

Beetles rained down from the sky. Shantae lay on her back, several feet away from where the rub had once been. In its place was a tiny, smoking crater.

"That was quite a blast," Chris remarked, "Now, anyone find that red beetle?"

He was ignored, as while the girls present were trying (And failing) to keep the bugs off their person, Luigi and Harold were trying to help Shantae up. Off to the side, Black Mage shook his head.

"All the more reason why not to bother," He said to himself. HE then notice that there was a red dot on his face and crossed his eyes trying to examine it. "What the hell?"

"We have a winner!" Chris announced, taking Black Mage's hand and raising it like a boxing champ's. The red beetle flew away from the wizard. "Black Mage, you will go on to the next challenge with the rest of your fellow Robinsons! Shantae, sorry to say, but you're outta here."

Shantae, with some help, stood up. Shaking her head, she walked over to the matter transporter.

"Well, it was fun while it lasted," the half-genie said, "But, maybe it's better I get out now. After all, it's going to get-"

No one would know how Shantae planned to finish that sentence, as the transporter activated and shot her into the stars.

"That should be me." Black Mage muttered as the Robinsons began their walk back to the rat hole.

"You and me both, dude." Tyler replied.

Chris watched them go before turning to the camera. "What caused the normally energetic Shantae to pause? Can the Robinsons bounce back from this defeat? And will Black Mage _ever _succeed in getting himself eliminated? Not likely! But find out the answers to the first two questions next time, on **Total…Drama…Planet!**" One of the beetles landed in his mouth. "Glaah!"

A/N: Sorry it's been such a long time until now to update. A combination of writers block and a lack of interest sorta slowed things down. But now, after…wow, eleven months, I'm ready to this wild ride started again. The new season of Total Drama probably helped. Keep sending reviews, I'll need LOTS of them to feel motivated!


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